Monthly Archives: November 2010

Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Flowers in the Attic”

Dear Frank,

So I can understand why you wanted me to tell you about V.C. Andrews’ Flowers in the Attic, because you probably have the same memories I do of seeing other girls read that book in elementary school and talk about how it was sooooo sexy but they wouldn’t tell you what it was about when you asked them at lunch because they were stupid bitches who can suck it. I mean, I’m assuming that’s what it was like for you. But now, having read the damn thing, I wish I could travel back in time and tell little Liz that she really wasn’t missing out on anything. Because, ugh. Ugh, this book. Ugh. Read the rest of this entry

Liz Tells Frank What Happened In the “Family Ties” episode “A, My Name Is Alex”

Dear Frank,

Let’s establish something right up front — I never watched Family Ties as a kid and have no real knowledge of the show aside from the bare-bones premise (hippie parents have an ultra-conservative son!). But it’s a family sitcom from the 1980s; I feel comfortable about my ability to wade through it. And you’ve mentioned a couple of times that you wanted to know what happened in this one fifth season episode, which has always struck me as strange, so here we go!

“My Name is Alex” is a two-parter (that you can watch on YouTube), and starts off with a pretty funny scene between this kid Andy and his babysitter, who’s explaining that Michael J. Fox (it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to think of him otherwise) and his parents are at a funeral for MJF’s friend Greg, which leads to her having to explain death to a toddler. (It’s funnier than it sounds, Frank, I promise.)

Then the rest of the family gets home, and start talking about the funeral (this is all pretty en media res — nice stuff). MJF is dealing with the fact that he should have been in the car that killed Greg by going totally upbeat and manic; it’s actually kind of an incredible performance, because you can tell how close he is to breaking apart and aren’t I supposed to be watching a sitcom from the 1980s? Jesus. Read the rest of this entry

Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Wall Street”

Dear Frank,

You know, for over twenty years I’d experienced absolutely no interest whatsoever in watching the Oliver Stone film Wall Street — until, of course, you asked me to tell you what happened in it. I don’t know why I was so disinterested; perhaps my vague phobia of shoulder pads was a factor. But let me just say that having now seen it, I don’t really feel like I was missing out on anything.

This is a movie about baby-faced Charlie Sheen and how he wants to have lots of money because of his blue collar roots. Right now, he’s working the phones at a brokerage on (you bet) Wall Street, but he has big-time ambitions to play with the big boys — and the biggest boy appears to be Gordon Gekko, a deal-maker and stock-buyer and business duder. Read the rest of this entry

Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Ladyhawke”

Dear Frank,

TWIST! Change in plan. While I have seen Wall Street, your most recent request, and taken a great deal of notes on its specialness, I am also dealing with a crazy week at work, thus necessitating the use of a pre-written post on another of your requests. Oh, and this movie, man. This movie will fill the 1980s hole in your heart.

I mean, you never saw Ladyhawke as a kid? Really? I mean, sure, your mom wasn’t my mom, which means that your mom didn’t have a weird crush on Rutger Hauer and thus sat you down to watch this movie at least two or three times before you were 12 years old. But I’m still glad that I have a chance to fill in this grave oversight in your education. Read the rest of this entry

Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Gargoyles”

Dear Frank,

Okay, we’re doing something a little different with this week’s installment. First off, we’re two days late. (Sorry about that! Change in work schedule = bad thing. Will prepare better in the future.) Second off, because I want to make sure that this gets done, this time I’ll attempt something entirely new.

Using the best application ever, I’m going to attempt writing the bulk of this week’s installment in a half hour, without Wikipedia, without video, without references of any type — just me, my time-damaged memory, and 30 minutes to write 1000 words. This will probably go badly.

So let’s talk about Gargoyles! Read the rest of this entry

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