Monthly Archives: January 2011

Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret”

Dear Frank,

So it doesn’t surprise me at all that you’ve never enjoyed the sublime pleasures of this particular novel, given that you are a boy, and thus you probably spent your tween years reading boy books and not worrying about when you were going to get your period. But now that you are a man, I think you are exceptionally clever for wanting to discover what you missed. After all, Judy Blume novels were downright formative for young ladies of our generation. I can only imagine that knowing what happens in Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret is part of some Machivelllian tactic for understanding and thus wooing women, and a brilliant one, at that. Read the rest of this entry

Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Uncanny X-Men: ‘Days of Future Past'”

Dear Frank,

Whoof! We’ve had a rough two weeks, haven’t we, between cross-dressing weirdos and John Travolta… Wait, no — I’ve had a rough two weeks, because I had to watch the damn movies. You’ve gotten off pretty light.

Which is why I want to take it relatively easy this time, focus on something non-painful, print-based and fun. In short, I wanna read a comic book, and as you’ve never read the classic Uncanny X-Men storyline “Days of Future Past,” well, there we go!

The catch, of course, is that this is a comic written initially in 1980. As you know, Frank, I consider myself a pretty big fan of the comic book medium, but while I enjoy superheroes as much as the next girl, most comics prior to the modern era of writers and artists have always struck me as a bit silly. The trade paperback I found Uncanny X-Men #141-142 in, for example, includes some other issues surrounding the classic storyline, and, look, I don’t want to make too much fun of old-school comics, because I know how many people still have fond memories, but, lemme just show you this… Read the rest of this entry

Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Battlefield Earth”

Dear Frank,

So remember that whole not-drinking thing I mentioned last time, Frank? Well, over the subsequent week, I decided that maybe instead of quitting drinking entirely for a month, I would instead work hard to practice moderation. I won’t lie to you — knowing that Battlefield Earth was on the horizon was a factor in that.

You might be surprised to learn, however, that I didn’t drink a lot while watching the film. That was due to some innate sense of self-preservation, knowing that if I did drink too much, I’d black out and forget what had happened, which would be a good thing in the long term but bad in the short term, as I’d then have to watch it AGAIN. Because OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD, Frank, I know that saying that Battlefield Earth is a bad movie is hardly a revolutionary concept, but I don’t know if I can fully describe how fucking terrible this film is. It’s really truly amazingly the worst. Read the rest of this entry

Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Madea’s Family Reunion”

Dear Frank,

First, an important administrative note: For a number of reasons, I have pledged to spend the next month abstaining from alcohol, which means that until February 7th, all Liz Tells Frank subject matter will be reviewed stone cold sober. Given that a refreshing vodka soda or two in the past has helped dull the pain of child incest and born-again Christianity, I anticipate full mental breakdown around Week 3.

Especially with friends like these! Frank, I have received some excellent suggestions of things to tell you about in the future, though by excellent I mean excrutiating. I’m taking the bull by the horns here, though — that’s the cliche you use when you decide to watch a Tyler Perry film, right? Right.

I picked the wrong month to quit drinking, Frank.

Madea’s Family Reunion is the first Tyler Perry movie I have ever seen (and will, hopefully, ever see). According to Laurel, Kara and Aimee, who came over to watch with me and said many funny things that I’ll try and include in this letter, it was not quite as randomly violent and batshit insane as Diary of a Mad Black Woman, the film that launched the Tyler Perry empire. But that turns out to be a very very high bar for crazy indeed. Read the rest of this entry

Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift”

Dear Frank,

So this week, we have a VERY SPECIAL REQUEST, from a VERY SPECIAL YOUNG LADY. Your girlfriend Lauren (whose many wonderful qualities are not limited to, but do include, being a vocal fan of Liz Tells Frank) asked me a couple of weeks ago if I would tell you about a certain movie which she adores — one you’ve apparently resisted watching with her? For shame, Frank. For shame.

Okay, to be honest, I also haven’t seen this installment of American cinema’s most enduring and popular car-racing franchise. But this is Liz Tells Frank and Liz Tells Frank is all about keeping an open mind. Or is it all about being snarky and dismissive? Hmm. One of the two of those, definitely.

Anyways, let us begin The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (or, for sequel titling purists, 3 Fast 3 Furious), which opens with an introduction to the most American high school that ever was a high school in America. I mean, a bunch of football players slaughter a Indian pinata. The only way it could be more American is if they were simultaneously chugging high-fructose corn syrup and not voting. Read the rest of this entry

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