Category Archives: TV
In which Liz tells Frank about TV episodes or entire shows he’s missed.
Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In Modelland
Boy oh boy, Liz,
You may recall that when I was recapping Top Model for you, there was a challenge based on Tyra’s new young adult novel Modelland. At the time, I expressed semi-interest in reading Modelland and telling you about it. You took me up on that offer, and purchased me a copy for my brand new Kindle. “No sweat!” I thought. “This’ll be fun!”
Liz, when I wrote the recaps for the Top Model episodes, you and your readers no doubt guessed that I knocked back a few drinks and just wrote the recap as I watched, which saved me time and effort and allowed me to uphold my absolute standards of unprofessionalism. Sadly, I could not take this approach in reviewing Modelland, since rather than being a breezy 45 minutes of stupid reality show, Modelland is an aimless novel for teens that clocks in at a staggering 563 PAGES. THAT IS SO LONG. IT IS TOO LONG. To compare, the Pulitzer-Prize-winning novel A Visit from the Goon Squad is only 340 pages, and that book spanned a time period from the 70′s to the actual FUTURE. So Modelland… pretty long. Too long. Just like these opening paragraphs! Here’s what happened in it! Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In Dance Moms
Dear Frank,
Today, by reader request, I shall tell you about something that I bet you wish you had never even heard of. There is this show on Lifetime, a show I’d always thought of as The Moms Who Scream At Each Other Right After “Project Runway”. But this show is actually called Dance Moms. And Frank, WHAT THE FUCK.
Going into this, I assumed that Dance Moms is like Millionaire Matchmaker but even more awful, because there are human children involved. FRANK, I AM A FUCKING PSYCHIC. I watched the first two episodes of this current season, which is about all I could manage without going on a murder spree. At least with Matchmaker, you know that everyone involved is a legal adult, which is not the case with Dance Moms. And as a result YIKES.
Dance Moms “documents” a dance team of young girls, taught and led by this crazy lady named Abby Lee, who spends a lot of time screaming at the girls and their mothers and, I don’t know, God? God is suspiciously quiet in response, but the moms occasionally shout back. And then there’s a road trip to some competition, and then the girls dance, and then there’s some more shouting. If you’re saying to yourself “This sounds like Sparkle Motion without any of the dark comedy or Mary McDonnell,” you would be completely correct! (Who knew Donnie Darko was a documentary?) Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In the House of Lies Pilot
Dear Frank,
Show me the person who doesn’t like Don Cheadle and I’ll show you a liar. I mean, seriously, what could you object to? Do you not think that Boogie Nights is awesome? Was his performance in Hotel Rwanda TOO heart-breaking? I mean, sure, his accent in the Ocean’s Eleven movies is a little silly, but it’s SUPPOSED to be silly. C’mon now.
Thus, Frank, because I am a person of sense and taste, of course I decided to take advantage of Showtime’s generosity and sample the first episode of House of Lies, Showtime’s new dramedy series starring Don Cheadle. And not just because I love me some Cheadle — the supporting cast is also pretty good! Veronica Mars! Jean-Ralphio! Some random guy who I don’t recognize from other TV shows but doesn’t trip over himself terribly! Thus, worthy of 34 minutes of my time.
At least, I hope it is.
It’s worth noting that because what I am watching is a free download from iTunes, the episode is edited for content, which means lots of muted four-letter-words and censored nakedness. As a result, here is the tableau presented in the opening shot of this pilot: Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In The CW’s Nikita (Sorta.)
Dear Frank,
Like most of Los Angeles, I came down with a bit of a cold this weekend, which means that I failed to properly deal with my Liz Tells Frank responsibilities. I accept my shame! (I also blame Speed 2.) But I did do what I usually do whilst lying in bed willing my body to get better — watch a bunch of TV! Specifically, the CW series Nikita, which recently became available on Netflix. And Frank, Nikita? It’s faaaaaaaaaab.
I mean, it’s fab in a very specific way — basically, it’s Alias, but without a lot of Alias‘s mistakes, and a far superior lead in Maggie Q. (Sorry, Jennifer Garner, but Maggie Q is THE BEST). I know there have been many other incarnations of this tale before (and that the La Femme Nikita series has a certain fascination for some folks), but with having seen both the French and American films and without having seen the TV show, I feel comfortable saying that this is my favorite version of the story. Frank, let me break it down for you in a nice vague way, with only one major twist from the pilot revealed: Read the rest of this entry
Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In the Top Model All Stars FINALE
Well, Liz, this is it! Angelea! Lisa! Allison! ONLY ONE WILL WIN. Rum in hand, I face this, the end of all things.
Before we begin in earnest, let’s relive the opening credits for this cycle one last time. As I mentioned before, I kind of love them.
We open with each girl talking about how they should win in turn. Lisa says she’s overcome childhood abuse (news to me, explains a lot) and is in a good place. She thinks winning will be a great platform to sell her album (hopefully it includes her “Pot Ledom” single). She also wants to help her charity, which is for abused children. Well, that probably trumps the other two girls’ motives.
Angelea interviews about how she’s overcome her rough upbringing to make it this far. Allison interviews how she’s overcome her introversion. Preeeetty sure that of these three girls, Allison’s hurdle was the lowest to the ground. Although she did lose her father. Let’s not discount that. Read the rest of this entry
Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In Top Model All Stars Ep 11
Liz, I know this is a day late. Last night I went to The Meltdown show where a certain former roommate of yours was performing, along with several other funny folks. The power went out so they had to steal electricity and light the stage with a construction floodlight. Plus, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles co-creator Kevin Eastman was there! I bet that night was way more fun that whatever I’m about to experience. I could be wrong, but those are long odds.
Only four girls left! In descending order of Jeff’s affections: Allison! Laura! Angelea! Lisa! Right off the bat Tyra promises that tonight we’ll see the “world premiere fashion film” based on Tyra’s NY Times best-selling novel, Modelland. Well that sounds like a nightmare right off the bat! I’m going to grab a beer, even though my dinner has not arrived yet. (Also, Liz, never ask me to tell you what happened in Modelland, unless you want an emergency termination of our friendship.) [BUT NOW I WANT TO KNOW. --Liz]
We open with Angelea reveling in Dominique’s dismissal. You will recall that Angelea hated Dominique but Dominique seemed completely unaware of it. You will also recall that Dominique said that Angelea was not strong enough to be a Top Model and Angelea’s rebuttal was to burst into tears and run from the room. Lisa thinks that Angelea’s last outburst is just one in a series of many to come. The producers certainly hope so! Read the rest of this entry
