Okay. So. This guide, officially, has been available in eBook form (along with others!) for a little while. But now was the time, with the revival coming towards us like a freight train, and with friends making an effort to rewatch hung up on misadvised installments, to release it to the people. Because now is the time, for the people to know that they maybe should not watch (or rewatch) all 201 episodes of “The X-Files” that have already aired. That maybe, just maybe, this seminal show, this series of delights, had some rough patches over its nine-season run.

Also, allow me to preface this guide with the following disclaimer: This guide is subjective. This guide is heavily influenced by my personal history with this show. This guide has a crush on Mulder and little patience for Reyes. This guide is at least 70 percent focused on identifying all the super-flirty episodes, and 30 percent focused on avoiding the really stupid stuff. This guide will be ignoring the existence of The X-Files: I Want to Believe.

This guide is here to help.

UPDATE: At long last, in celebration of the show’s official 30th anniversary (Sept. 10th, 2023), I have finally added Seasons 10 and 11 to this list. Spoiler alert — expect a lot more skipping than watching.

SEASON 1
1. “Pilot”: Must see. Say it with me, kids — YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO WATCH THE PILOT. Also, this pilot is AMAZING, both on a nostalgia level (1993, you guys!) and as a set-up of our heroes and their adventures to come. Plus, it rates a score of 8 on the Flirt-o-meter. It’s genuinely one of TV’s great pilots.

2. “Deep Throat”: Watch it. Conspiracy funtimes! A major player is introduced! And Mulder does something stupid and gets arrested! (A proud tradition begins here.)

3. “Squeeze”: Watch it. Another proud tradition begins here — the mutant of the week episode! And our buddy Tooms does kick things off with a bang.

4. “Conduit”: Watch it. The main mystery failed to make an impression on me at the time, but there’s some big character stuff with Mulder here.

5. “The Jersey Devil”: Maybe skip it. I am perversely fond of this pretty cute episode. Scully goes on a date! Mulder does something stupid and gets arrested! But it falls under the category of “non-essential.”

6. “Shadows”: Skip it. For many episodes, I use this litmus test — can I even remember what the hell happened? “Shadows” is an example of an episode where I cannot remember what the hell happened, even after rereading the episode summary on Wikipedia. Expect to see the “Shadows” rule applied a fair amount going forward.

7. “Ghost in the Machine”: Skip it. I do remember what happened in this episode. And it was really bad. Spare yourself the trouble.

8. “Ice”: Watch it. Oh, this one’s great. And I’m not just saying that because Felicity Huffman shows up and there’s a big ol’ “The Thing” homage. Really cool and creepy.

9. “Space”: Skip it. Nope. Just, nope.

10. “Fallen Angel”: Watch it. Hey, Mulder does something stupid and gets arrested! Introduces a character who’ll reappear down the line, and includes some important additions to the mythology.

11. “Eve”: Watch it. A cool mystery with some good twists.

12. “Fire”: Maybe skip it. Reasons to watch — Mark Sheppard guest-stars; Mulder’s ex-girlfriend shows up and Scully gets adorably pissy about it; Mulder wears both a tuxedo and black silk boxers. Reasons not to watch — it’s kind of silly. I leave it up to you.

13. “Beyond the Sea”: Must see. A really important episode for Scully, and a solid serial killer story. Definitely worth checking out.

14. “Gender Bender”: Skip it. Meh. Unless you have a major hard-on for Nicholas Lea, and there’s a lot more Nicholas Lea to come, never fear.

15. “Lazarus”: Skip it. I mean, unless you’re really invested in the tale of Scully’s ex-boyfriend.

16. “Young at Heart”: Skip it. Another monster-of-the-week episode that’s unmemorable.

17. “E.B.E.”: Watch it. Lots of mythology stuff, plus the introduction of the Lone Gunmen, who are the best.

18. “Miracle Man”: Skip it. A rule of thumb — anything religious cult-related probably isn’t gonna be very good. You’re fine without this one.

19. “Shapes”: Skip it. The “Shadows” rule applies here.

20. “Darkness Falls”: Watch it. This is a monster-of-the-week episode I remember really digging. Perhaps you will dig it too!

21. “Tooms”: Watch it. Our old friend Tooms is back! I dig how this follows up on “Squeeze” — it’s an example of thoroughness that will not be a hallmark of later seasons, so let’s appreciate it here.

22. “Born Again”: Skip it. This is like the third fucking reincarnation episode this season. ENOUGH WITH THE REINCARNATION ALREADY.

23. “Roland”: Skip it. A telepathically-controlled janitor! Oh, joy.

24. “The Erlenmeyer Flask”: Must see. Big things happen! X-Files season finales are reliable that way. And it’s pretty exciting, too.

SEASON 2
1. “Little Green Men”: Watch it. Picks up where “Erlenmeyer Flask” left off. And full of exciting Puerto Rico action!

2. “The Host”: Watch it. One of the most notorious monsters-of-the-week, with a highly enjoyable amount of grossness.

3. “Blood”: Maybe skip it. There are some memorable moments, but non-essential.

4. “Sleepless”: Watch it. It’s time to meet our new friend Agent Krycek, and remember that 20 years ago, Vietnam vets were, y’know, 20 years younger than they are now. With the exception of the last scene, a standard monster-of-the-week, with some highly enjoyable Scully bitchery.

5/6. “Duane Barry”/”Ascension”: Must see. Oh damn this two-parter is super-super-important. I won’t say anything else about it, but DAMN.

7. “3”: Skip it. Okay, I enjoy mopey Mulder as much as the next girl, but vampire cultists? Move along, nothing to see here.

8. “One Breath”: Must see. Essentially a sequel to “Duane Barry” and “Ascension,” and features some truly breathtaking Mulder Cry Faces.

9. “Firewalker”: Watch it. This episode is a lot like “Ice” and “Darkness Falls,” except with bonus Bradley Whitford. In case it’s not clear, that’s a good thing.

10. “Red Museum”: Watch it. Not only is this the episode where Mulder wipes barbecue sauce off Scully’s chin, but there’s a good mystery combined with some mythology plot. (Which Mike, who offered some notes on this guide, reminded me about.)

11. “Excelsis Dei”: Skip it. The “Shadows” rule in action, once again.

12. “Aubrey”: Skip it. Meh.

13. “Irresistible”: Watch it. This episode is pretty fucked up, especially for 1995 network television — but I mean that in a good way.

14. “Die Hand die Verletzt”: Watch it. I had nightmares for weeks after watching this episode. IT IS TERRIFYING. You will enjoy.

15. “Fresh Bones”: Skip it. The Haitian voodoo episode. Pretty inconsequential.

16/17. “Colony”/”End Game”: Must see. A pattern emerges in Season 2 when it comes to the structure of X-Files seasons: While most episodes are stand-alone in nature, two-parters in the fall and spring serve up major amounts of plot. That is very much the case here. Exciting stuff happens!

18. “Fearful Symmetry”: Skip it. “Invisible elephant rampage.” Seriously. Pass.

19. “Dod Kalm”: Maybe watch it. There’s some silly-bad old age makeup in play, but also some nice bonding between Mulder and Scully, so you KNOW I’m tempted to recommend.

20. “Humbug”: Watch it. The first episode Darin Morgan ever wrote for the show. Don’t know the name? Learn it. Darin Morgan wrote only a handful of episodes, but each was brilliant in their own special way.

21. “The Calusari”: Skip it. I’m invoking the “Shadows” rule again.

22. “F. Emasculata”: Watch it. The exploding boils episode! I remember the exploding boils episode! It’s so gross AKA awesome! If you are not a fan of exploding boils, you might want to avoid.

23. “Soft Light”: Skip it. Not only am I invoking the “Shadows” rule, but I am invoking it on an episode which appears to be about shadows coming to life. Sorry, guest star Tony Shalhoub.

24. “Our Town”: Maybe watch it. A fine example of early-days X-Files not being afraid to get gross and weird in a fun way. Not essential viewing, but like I said, gross and weird in a fun way.

25. “Anasazi”: Must see. Yay for finales! Especially balls-to-the-wall insane finales.

SEASON 3
1/2. “The Blessing Way”/”Paper Clip”: Must see. Shit, son, time to resolve some cliffhangers! And also dig even further into the show’s mythology.

3. “D.P.O.”: Maybe skip it. Features Jack Black and Giovanni Ribisi, but also your standard-issue monster-of-the-week, and I don’t think Mulder and Scully do one single cute thing.

4. “Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose”: Must see. Darin Morgan strikes again! This won an Emmy for writing. Peter Boyle won an Emmy for being Peter Boyle. It’s just an awesome hour of television.

5. “The List”: Skip it. Yawn possessed serial killers on death row yawn.

6. “2Shy”: Skip it. Yawn fat-sucking serial killer yawn.

7. “The Walk”: Skip it. Yawn quadruple-amputee vengeance killing yawn.

8. “Oubliette”: Watch it. A monster-of-the-week, but an emotionally intense one. Guest starring Jewel “Kaylee on Firefly” Staite!

9/10. “Nisei”/”731”: Watch it. Sets up some big mythology things for Season 4. And Mulder jumps on a moving train!

11. “Revelations”: Maybe skip it. Unless you’re really super-into an hour of Scully fretting about her religious beliefs. I could live without it, personally.

12. “War of the Coprophages”: Watch it. Darin Morgan, you magnificent bastard. The thing to love about Darin Morgan is that his episodes are funny; by Season 3, this will become a thing to treasure.

13. “Syzygy”: Watch it. Oh, this episode is silly but it makes me laugh. Mulder and Scully getting super-pissy with each other = comedy gold. And bonus very very young Ryan Reynolds! (Briefly.)

14. “Grotesque”: Watch it. I initially wrote this off as “the gargoyle serial killer” episode, but upon re-examination (per Mike’s suggestion) found it to be a dark and complex mystery layered with some interesting back story for Mulder. Mulder does a LOT of staring at stuff, though. Be prepared for that.

15/16. “Piper Maru”/”Apocrypha”: Watch it. Mythology two-parters, as mentioned before, tend to be “Watch it”s, and this one does introduce some key stuff.

17. “Pusher”: Must see. This might be one of my favorite episodes of all time; it’s certainly the episode that made me realize how much I liked the show. The last ten minutes are INTENSE.

18. “Teso Dos Bichos”: Skip it. The one where Scully gets attacked by a rabid cat. Let us not speak of this one.

19. “Hell Money”: Skip it. If only because I’m pretty sure it’s pretty racist.

20. “Jose Chung’s From Outer Space”: Must see. Darin Morgan keeps the hits a’comin! This is maybe a perfect hour of television. Just brilliant and funny and sad and perfect.

21. “Avatar”: Skip it. Unless you’re, like, SUPER into A.D. Skinner’s sex life. To be fair, those people do exist. I do not happen to be one of them.

22. “Quagmire”: Watch it. There’s some great stuff in this one — probably because Darin Morgan did some scripting work on it. Anchored by a really great scene between Mulder and Scully that basically defines their relationship up until that point. Also, sea monsters!

23. “Wetwired”: Watch it. Kind of similar to “Blood” from Season 2, but with a little bit of mythology and 100 percent more Scully and vastly superior as a result.

24. “Talitha Cumi”: Watch it. Arguably the least-exciting season finale in X-Files history, but hell, it does set up a few things.

SEASON 4
1. “Herrenvolk”: Watch it. Not super-exciting, but it sets up things like the Consortium’s use of bees — AKA MY MORTAL ENEMIES. (Bees, that is. Fuck you, bees. You suck.)

2. “Home”: Watch it. One of the show’s most famous installments, mostly for how fucked up it is. It’ll haunt you, that’s for damn sure.

3. “Teliko”: Skip it. Black people are getting “de-pigmented”? Yeah, it’s a pass.

4. “Unruhe”: Maybe skip it. Oh, Scully, serial killers sure do love kidnapping you. A kinda cool X-File, though.

5. “The Field Where I Died”: Skip it. You know, I don’t think I’ve actually ever seen this episode, but from what I understand I’m not really missing out. Past lives regression and cult suicides. And some lady claims that Scully is not Mulder’s soulmate! Fuck you, lady! (Mike thinks I should watch it because it is “kind of amazingly bad,” which makes me directly question our friendship and/or think he understands me too well.)

6. “Sanguinarium”: Skip it. Witchcraft and plastic surgery. Life is short, you guys.

7. “Musings of a Cigarette-Smoking Man”: Watch it. Billed as the “anti-Forrest Gump,” this is a surprisingly funny look at the Smoking Man’s back story, and after four seasons of watching him skulk in the shadows, it couldn’t come too soon.

8/9. “Tunguska”/”Terma”: Watch it. The fall mid-season mythology two-parter! And a pretty gripping installment. Plus, there’s a really good Mulder and Scully hug!

10. “Paper Hearts”: Watch it. A serial killer stand-alone, but a relatively fresh one with some good character stuff.

11. “El Mundo Gira”: Skip it. The Mexican goat sucker episode. NOPE.

12. “Leonard Betts”: Watch it. Historical note: This was the big X-Files post-Super Bowl episode, and thus a watershed moment for the series. It also totally explodes the show for the rest of the season, thanks to the final twist.

13. “Never Again”: Hmmmm. So this episode is relatively controversial — at least, we sure did talk bunches about it on the message boards, back in the day. Here is what you need to know if you decide not to watch: Scully goes on a solo investigation, and runs into this guy from Space: Above And Beyond, and it’s not totally clear whether they have sex or not, but Jodie Foster plays the voice of a tattoo and Scully has a major fight with Mulder. None of these things ever come up ever again. (I’m kind of grateful for this.)

14. “Memento Mori”: Must see. Oh holy shit this episode, you guys. This episode. The revelation of “Leonard Betts” goes nuclear here. Just watch it.

15. “Kaddish”: Skip it. Yet another “religious fable used as source for monster” episode, and not essential viewing.

16. “Unrequited”: Skip it. Yawn invisible assassin yawn.

17/18. “Tempus Fugit”/”Max”: Watch it. Mythology time! Mythology time! Also, Mulder gets Scully a birthday present.

19. “Synchrony”: Maybe skip it. This is a really fucking weird episode — X-Files does time travel! — and the execution isn’t great. But the approach to time travel is intellectually pretty interesting, so if you like unique approaches to time travel, I’d give this one a look.

20. “Small Potatoes”: Watch it. Darin Morgan alert! Well, he’s only acting, not writing (Vince Gilligan wrote this one, more about him in a bit). But still, Darin Morgan is in this light-hearted shapeshifter romp with tons of great moments. (Though, um. With modern attitudes towards sexual consent, this one has a rougher appreciation.)

21. “Zero Sum”: Watch it. Okay, Skinner fans, I’ll give you this one. Just this once. And it sets up some mythology stuff, plus back story that’ll matter when we get to The Only Movie We’ll Discuss Here.

22. “Elegy”: Maybe skip it. Actually vaguely ties into the narrative in play, but otherwise your pretty standard stand-alone.

23. “Demons”: Maybe watch it. I mean, it’s a bit over the top, but if you like Mulder Cry Face and Scully going all nurturing, it’s worth checking out.

24. “Gethsemane”: Watch it. Oh so much drama and a classic X-Files cliffhanger. Part of me feels that you should have to endure the three-month wait between this episode and the Season 5 premiere that we humble fans did, back in the day. That would be the sadist part of me. We’ll just ignore her.

SEASON 5
1. “Redux”: Watch it. I am not a fan of how much stalling occurs in this episode, but it does address the Season 4 cliffhanger and a bunch of other important stuff. Sometimes, it does so using a montage of stock footage. Alas.

2. “Redux II”: Must see. Aside from the terrible name, this episode is super-key in resolving old arcs and starting new. Plus, TWISTS! And Mulder and Scully being super-adorbs.

3. “Unusual Suspects”: Watch it. It’s 1989! Let’s meet the Lone Gunmen! It’s a delightful episode.

4. “Detour”: Watch it. Ostensibly a stand-alone, but definitely worth watching for the part where the needle on the Flirt-o-meter gets buried in the red. Seriously, so much fucking flirting, your mind will be blown.

5. “The Post-Modern Prometheus”: Watch it. Speaking of flirting… Oh, and Cher, and monsters, and black-and-white cinematography, and all sorts of other things. A super-weird episode, but unless you’re dead inside (or deeply offended by Cher covers of Marc Cohn songs) the ending will put a smile on your face. (But also, the consent issues mentioned with “Small Potatoes”? Yeah. Trigger warning.)

6/7. “Christmas Carol”/”Emily”: Watch it. This is a bummer of a two-parter, but it’s key to the mythology. Mulder makes a funny face at one point, if you want something to look forward to.

8. “Kitsunegari”: Maybe skip it. A follow-up to “Pusher,” but one that suffers from comparison. Though the ending is pretty solid.

9. “Schizogeny”: Skip it. “The Killer Tree Episode.”

10. “Chinga”: Skip it. Stephen King may have co-written it, but that doesn’t make it essential viewing. Scully has a cute little speech about witchcraft, but you can just look that up on YouTube or something.

11. “Kill Switch”: Watch it. Meanwhile, William Gibson steps up to co-write an episode and it is RADSAUCE. A really cool cyberpunk-themed adventure.

12. “Bad Blood”: Watch it. This episode improves with age. One of the funnier installments, featuring Luke Wilson, vampires, and the theme song from Shaft.

13/14. “Patient X”/”The Red and the Black”: Watch it. More mythology, bringing in some new characters and big reveals.

15. “Travelers”: Skip it. Not a bad episode, but doesn’t really tie into anything beyond the promise of investigating “the first X-File.”

16. “Mind’s Eye”: Skip it. We’re hitting a run of episodes where Mulder and Scully are largely separated to accommodate filming X-Files: Fight the Future. I’m not really a fan, even with Lili Taylor guest-starring.

17. “All Souls”: Skip it. In case you couldn’t tell, I don’t have a lot of patience for the more religious-themed episodes, and this is no exception. Angels, guys! Angels!

18. “The Pine Bluff Variant”: Watch it. I liked this episode! Mulder going undercover is a relatively fresh storyline, and many exciting things happen!

19. “Folie a Deux”: Watch it. Do you like your stand-alone episodes with lots of flirting and sappy bedside confessions? Then do I have an episode for you!

20. “The End”: Must see. Surely by now you’ve sensed a pattern when it comes to finales and premieres, but this one’s big, because it tees things off for…

THE MOVIE (THE ONLY ONE WE TALK ABOUT, ANYWAY)

The X-Files: Fight the Future: Must see. Mulder gets to swear, and there are like a metric ton of helicopters, and the last act is just hilarious, in its weird wacky way. But it is a huge moment for the franchise. Even if fucking bees fucking fuck shit up. Fucking bees.

And then we’re off to…

SEASON 6
1. “The Beginning”: Watch it. Isn’t exactly Shakespeare, but it does set up the new direction for the season.

2. “Drive”: Watch it. If only because Bryan Cranston’s appearance here eventually paved the way for Breaking Bad (which was created by X-Files co-EP Vince Gilligan, if you didn’t know). It’s also a pretty tight adventure.

3. “Triangle”: Watch it. This episode is fucking bonkers, mostly in a good way. And there are some cool filmmaking tricks on display.

4/5. “Dreamland”/”Dreamland II”: Watch it. Season 6 marked a distinct rise in comedy for the show, and this two-parter co-starring Michael McKean and Nora Dunn is a major part of that. Things get weird, y’all.

6. “How the Ghosts Stole Christmas”: Maybe watch it? Ed Asner and Lily Tomlin are a treat, of course. And of course it’s delightful to see Mulder and Scully celebrate Christmas together. But it’s basically an hour of talk talk talk. I wouldn’t consider it essential viewing.

7. “Terms of Endearment”: Maybe skip it. Bruce Campbell aside, “Rosemary’s Baby in reverse” lacks appeal.

8. “The Rain King”: Watch it. A weirdly charming episode, with lots of fun Mulder and Scully stuff. Even Victoria “Crazypants” Jackson can’t ruin it.

9. “S.R. 819”: Maybe watch it. Again, my interest in Skinner is pretty minimal, but this is a big Skinner episode with mythology implications, so I guess you should care.

10. “Tithonus”: Watch it. This is a pretty cool X-File, with some good Mulder/Scully interaction.

11/12. “Two Fathers”/”One Son”: Watch it. Yep, it’s mythology time again, with an important change to the status quo by the end.

13. “Agua Mala”: Skip it. Just kinda meh, despite the reappearance of Darren McGavin.

14. “Monday”: Watch it. Oh, this episode is great. I mean, it’s in the proud tradition of Star Trek: The Next Generation‘s “Cause and Effect,” which is to say that you’ll experience some… DEJA VU? (Jokes!) But the execution is solid.

15. “Arcadia”: Watch it. It seriously took until Season 6 for there to be a “Mulder and Scully go undercover as a married couple” episode, but it was worth the wait. For me, anyway.

16. “Alpha”: Maybe skip it. I mean, how high is your tolerance for dog puns? Because HOLY SHIT Mulder does not let up on those dog puns. Aside from the dog puns, there is some relatively clever dialogue, but the only thing of note in this episode is that Mulder gets a new “I Want To Believe” poster at the end.

17. “Trevor”: Maybe watch it. I upgraded this one after publishing! Some cute banter and way more entertaining than I remember.

18. “Milagro”: Maybe watch it. This episode, about a murderous novelist, features Deadwood star John Hawkes, but also some of the silliest writing Chris Carter ever inflicted on X-Files viewers. There is a bunch of gooey Mulder/Scully stuff, though. It’s one I’d watch again, but while occasionally stifling laughter.

19. “The Unnatural”: Watch it. One of three episodes David Duchovny directed for the series, and while the primary mystery isn’t the most engaging, all of the Mulder/Scully scenes will put a smile on your face.

20. “Three of a Kind”: Watch it. Were you expecting a follow-up to “Unusual Suspects” from Season 5? I bet you weren’t! But here you have it anyway.

21. “Field Trip”: Watch it. I initially was on the fence about recommending this one, but then I rewatched it and found it really charming! It’s a surprisingly subtle and sweet character study.

22. “Biogenesis”: Watch it. Oh, hey, a finale. Well, of course you’re going to watch it, right?

SEASON 7
1/2. “The Sixth Extinction”/”The Sixth Extinction II: Amor Fati”: Watch it. Okay, be forewarned — some truly ridiculous stuff happens in “Amor Fati.” (This is about when Chris Carter got a major hard-on for Jesus metaphors, which get way over the top way fast.) But, y’know, it’s the premiere. We forgive it as much as we can.

3. “Hungry”: Watch it. A stand-alone, but an interesting experiment in POV.

4. “Millennium”: Watch it. Technically, this episode is a coda to the other Chris Carter series of the same name. Even if you didn’t watch Millennium, though, it’s still a decent zombie adventure. And the ending scene is top-notch.

5. “Rush”: Maybe skip it. Flirt-o-meter gets a workout during this episode, but it’s otherwise a pretty average stand-alone.

6. “The Goldberg Variation”: Watch it. Rube Goldberg devices! Stanford from Sex and the City! Always a pleasure.

7. “Orison”: Skip it. Blargh. Another case of X-Files trying to bring back an old villain, resulting in an episode that suffers by comparison.

8. “The Amazing Maleeni”: Watch it. I like magic, I like Ricky Jay, I’m gonna recommend this one.

9, “Signs and Wonders”: Skip it. Ugh, yet another religious cult episode. There’s a cute bit where Mulder teases Scully about “snake handling,” but you can live without it.

10/11. “Sein und Zeit”/”Closure”: Watch it. It’s mythology time again, and as the title of Part 2 promises, these episodes resolve one of the show’s biggest mysteries: What happened to Mulder’s sister? (Note: You may not find said resolution terribly satisfying. But IT’S AS CLOSE TO AN ANSWER AS YOU’RE EVER GONNA GET.)

12. “X-Cops”: Maybe skip it. An interesting experiment with form, but gets a bit silly.

13. “First Person Shooter”: Watch it. Kind of a follow-up to “Kill Switch,” and also written by William Gibson. It’s weird, but some of the video game stuff is pretty cool and Scully gets to kick a lot of ass.

14. “Theef”: Skip it. The ass genie episode. NOPE NOPE NOPE. I WAS WRONG ABOUT THIS ONE. I can’t even remember what the fuck happened. “Shadows” rule.

15. “En Ami”: Skip it. The “Smoking Man pervs out on Scully” hour, and doesn’t really add anything to the narrative.

16. “Chimera”: Skip it. Nothing good happens when Mulder and Scully split up. (Get ready for this to become a theme of Season 8.)

17. “all things”: Watch it. Boy, I hope you like Moby, because you’re gonna hear some Moby in this episode! It is written and directed by Gillian Anderson, and there’s really nothing I can say about it that will make it make sense. But you’ve come this far with me on the schmoop train, you might as well see it all the way through.

18. “Brand X”: Skip it. Not a terrible episode, but not really a winner.

19. “Hollywood A.D.”: Watch it. David Duchovny’s second writing/directing adventure, and more than a little self-indulgent. But also a ridiculous amount of fun: Worth it just for the scene where Scully runs in heels.

20. “Fight Club”: Skip it. FUCK YOU EPISODE, YOU FUCKING SUCK. I FUCKING HATE YOU. YOU’RE THE WORST.

21. “Je Souhaite”: Watch it. A very sweet stand-alone — not essential viewing, but I’m fond of it.

22. “Requiem”: Must see. Ahahahahahahah it’s the episode of television that ruined the summer of 2000 for me. But decidedly essential viewing.

SEASON 8
A note: I don’t really care about Doggett. If you care about Doggett, you’re probably gonna want to find another Skip It/Watch It Guide. Good luck with that.

1/2. “Within”/”Without”: Watch it. Well, let’s meet John Doggett and get it over with.

3. “Patience”: Skip it. Ahahahaha MANBAT NOPE.

4. “Roadrunners”: Maybe watch it. Here’s the deal — this episode is stand-alone, it features a religious cult (never a good sign) and the phenomenon in question is one of the weirdest in X-Files history. But Mike said I should give it a second chance, and to its credit, it’s not badly executed. So if a largely solo Scully adventure with some weirdly fun gross moments appeals, I’ll go ahead and say check it out.

5. “Invocation”: Maybe watch it. Well, there’s no banana slug being worshipped as the second coming of Jesus Christ — instead, Doggett gets mopey about his dead son. So I guess if you’re interested in Doggett, give it a watch?

6. “Redrum”: Maybe watch it. Hey, it’s Joe Morton and a timey-wimey-ish murder crime! You could do worse.

7. “Via Negativa”: Skip it. OH BOY A RELIGIOUS CULT YOU DON’T SAY.

8. “Surekill”: Skip it. Definitely invoking the “Shadows” rule here.

9. “Salvage”: Skip it. A cyborg episode? Seriously?

10. “Badlaa”: Skip it. Only eight seasons before they got around to a legless Indian mystic? Color me shocked.

11. “The Gift”: Watch it. Hey, Mulder shows up! In flashback form, but still, it’s something. And here, it’s an episode also featuring Doggett! See how fair and balanced I’m being?

12. “Medusa”: Skip it. “Shadows” rule! “Shadows” rule!

13. “Per Manum”: Watch it. Guys, I don’t even know how to describe what happens in this episode, I just know that it is essential viewing for you passengers on the Schmoop Train.

14/15. “This is Not Happening”/”DeadAlive”: Must see. Oh, Season 8. These two episodes are just ridiculous, and the way they bend space and time is enough to drive you insane. But hey, you’re at Season 8 now, AKA SAP TOWN POPULATION SAP. You’re pretty much pot-committed.

16. “Three Words”: Watch it. The three words are not “I love you, Scully, let me take you away from all this.” (Well, you know what I mean.) But, hey, Mulder’s back, we might as well watch him do shit, and some more mythology gets dropped in.

17. “Empedocles”: Watch it. More stuff about Doggett’s son, and more Reyes. (Oh, Reyes.) But Mulder also gets to investigate stuff, so maybe we’ll forgive it.

18. “Vienen”: Maybe watch it. Ugh, fine, I guess. “Mulder and Doggett investigate” isn’t a premise that really sets my panties on fire, but some plotting gets underway.

19. “Alone”: Watch it. The super-meta fan service episode! Well, maybe not SUPER meta. But meta enough, especially at the end.

20/21. “Essence”/”Existence”: Must see. At the very least, there’s a certain special agent who’s got a special delivery to make. At the most… Well, welcome to the new X-Files, in all its glory.

SEASON 9
A note: Oh, man, let the skipping begin…

1/2. “Nothing Important Happened Today”/”Nothing Important Happened Today II”: Maybe watch it. Hey, Lucy Lawless shows up! David Duchovny does not. But we begin to painfully abuse the phrase “super-soldiers” learn about super-soldiers!

3. “Dæmonicus”: Skip it. Oh, hey, satanic ritual murders! THAT’S NEW.

4. “4-D”: Skip it. I love Cary Elwes, but he has not aged well.

5. “Lord of the Flies”: Skip it. From Wikipedia: “the culprit was apparently a swarm of killer flies hidden in the victim’s brain.” NOPE.

6. “Trust No 1”: Watch it. Hey, Mulder might stop by! And a lot of weird stuff happens. Including the most ridiculous email ever seen on this show, ever.

7. “John Doe”: Maybe skip it. An entire episode all about Doggett! Be still my beating heart! But it’s also the directorial debut of Michelle MacLaren, and there’s a lot of visual interest to it. MAYBE worth watching. MAYBE.

8. “Hellbound”: Skip it. Even better, an entire episode all about Reyes!

9/10. “Provenance”/”Providence”: Watch it. You might as well. Some important plot developments ensue.

11. “Audrey Pauley”: Watch it. I actually like this episode, despite the fact that it’s a big Doggett/Reyes adventure. It’s sweet.

12. “Underneath”: Skip it. “Shadows” rule in play here.

13. “Improbable”: Maybe skip it. I think I missed this one when it aired originally? But Burt Reynolds plays God? Sure, fine, whatever.

14. “Scary Monsters”: Skip it. I mean, I liked the junior nitpicking agent from last season’s “Alone,” but did I like her enough to watch a whole other episode featuring her? No. No I did not.

15. “Jump the Shark”: Watch it. It will make you make the saddest faces. But yeah, you gotta watch it.

16. “William”: Watch it. If only so that you’re not confused by what happened to the magic baby.

17. “Release”: Skip it. Unless you’re super-invested in Doggett’s dead son. Which I don’t think you are.

18. “Sunshine Days”: Maybe watch it. So this is the penultimate episode of The X-Files. The second-to-last episode EVER. And… It’s a Brady Bunch homage? It’s a Brady Bunch homage. It’s almost worth watching just to see for yourself.

19/20. “The Truth”: Must see. Don’t you want to see how it ends? Don’t you want to experience some of the most nonsensical writing of the show’s history? Don’t you want to see Chris Carter try to make the past nine years of convoluted mythology seem like it actually made some sense?

Well, here you go. Maybe pour yourself a nice glass of wine or moonshine while you watch it. You deserve it.

Editor’s Note (Sept. 10th, 2023): Here is where our 2023 update begins! First up…

OKAY, LET’S GO AHEAD AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE EXISTENCE OF THE OTHER MOVIE

The X-Files: I Want to Believe: Skip it. Boy, is this laughably bad. There are many ways in which this film is just flat-out terrible, but the memory that has stuck with me the most is Chris Carter has completely forgotten what people sound like when they talk, which proves to be an issue, especially when writing key scenes in which two characters try to talk to each other about their lives. It’s just really really bad. The mid-credits sequence in particular is just nonsensical fan service, to the point where even my stupid brain flat-out rejects it. I think I’ve maybe seen this movie twice, and I regret both viewings.

SEASON 10
1. “My Struggle”: Skip it. So, here’s the deal. There are four episodes in these seasons entitled “My Struggle” — they ultimately form the crux of the mythology arc featured in these seasons. They are all terrible, and (spoiler alert!) I will be telling you to skip all of them. Remember the later seasons of the original run, and how it felt like the mythology was being held together with paper clips and chewing gum? Well, Chris Carter has run out of paper clips and gum, and all the clip montages in the world can’t properly explain whatever stupid convoluted ideas he’s trying to include here.

2. “Founder’s Mutation”: Maybe watch it. Written and directed by James Wong, it doesn’t hold up great under scrutiny, but in comparison to the premiere, this actually feels like an X-Files episode, one with some properly gross moments.

3. “Mulder and Scully Meet the Were-Monster”: Watch it. This isn’t the best Darin Morgan episode ever, but the best Darin Morgan episodes ever are some of the best television ever made. So we’ll settle for this fun caper featuring a very engaged Kumail Nanjiani. Plus, doggos!

4. “Home Again”: Watch it. I keep forgetting which episode this is, because it’s not titled “The One Where Scully’s Mom Shows Up and Everything Is Sad and Also There’s a Gross Trash Monster Thing Happening.” While it’s not X-Files at its best, it’s at least a watchable episode with strong character moments. Also, weirdly Scully calls Mulder “Fox”? I dunno, man, but it’s a rare enough occurrence for me to point it out.

5. “Babylon”: Skip it. So a fun fact about our world in the year 2023 is that if you search for X-Files GIFs on Giphy and similar services, most of them will be GIFs from this episode, thanks to a hallucination Mulder has that is maybe one of the worst things I’ve ever seen. To quote the kids today, it is cringe on a level previously unknown to man. And the rest of the episode is also quite bad — like, I want to support the induction of Robbie Amell and Lauren Ambrose as young plucky FBI agents who could inherit the X-Files, but also, after seeing Chris Carter make Ambrose dress up in bondage gear for that aforementioned hallucination, maybe I’ve been wrong all these years, when I’ve complained about the lack of women besides Scully on The X-Files. Maybe womenkind is better off.

ONE MORE THING: This episode has a cold open which is just embarrassing, like Chris Carter mimeographed the script for the most cliche possible suicide bomber short film he could find. (I say mimeographed because that’s how fucking archaic it feels.)

6. “My Struggle II”: Skip it. Yeah, again, I cannot state how bad these “My Struggle” episodes are. Fun fact: I once got Chris Carter, in a post-Season 10 interview, to admit that he ended the season on a cliffhanger as a dare to Fox to greenlight more episodes. There are times I sincerely wish Fox hadn’t taken the bait.

SEASON 11
1. “My Struggle III”: Skip it. Maybe now’s the time to mention that “My Struggle,” is, of course, English for “Mein Kampf.” Why did Chris Carter want to invoke the spirit of Adolf Hitler’s memoir not just once but multiple times across this show’s return? It certainly doesn’t make any sense in the context of the story. I should have asked him, during that interview, but to be honest I think I was a little afraid of the answer.

2. “This”: Maybe watch it. Some of my favorite episodes — because they were some of the best — involve Mulder and Scully on the run, and this conspiracy-rich installment is packed with that. Plus, while the central storyline is kinda nonsensical, Mulder and Scully themselves have a great loose banter going on, and hey, Langley shows up! (Sorta.)

3. “Plus One”: Maybe watch it. I think it’s fair to say that Seasons 10 and 11 are being evaluated here on a bit of a curve. Like how, when you get towards the bottom of a bag of chips, all that’s left are the broken fragments, and they aren’t as satisfying as a whole chip in your mouth, but at least there’s still some of the flavor?

Anyways, this episode features a less-than-great X-File. But also, Chris Carter finally gives in and writes scenes that acknowledge that two attractive people who have been passionately connected for over 20 years might, just might, enjoy the occasional trip to Pound Town. The only downside is being aware of why he decided to do that — to set up shit in (please god let it be) the series finale that doesn’t bear discussion. (Right now, at least.)

4. “The Lost Art of Forehead Sweat”: Watch it. It’s probably Darin Morgan’s least successful episode, and it leans so hard on latent nostalgia for the show that it could honestly be considered a little alienating. Still, it’s goofy fun, especially for anyone who’s gotten this far through this humble guide, and character actor Brian Huskey gets a feast of a role.

5. “Ghouli”: Skip it. This episode is stealthy, because at first you think it’s just a spooky casefile involving the creepypasta phenomenon and a real fuckboi of a teenager. Then you find out that said teen fuckboi is Mulder and Scully’s long-ago-adopted son William, and it’s been a mythology episode this whole time. Technically, watching “Ghouli” is important if you’re trying to follow the overall storyline this season, but I am telling you, from the bottom of my heart, that you do not want to do this because it is not great. (Like Roger Ebert, I believe in wielding spoilers for the reader’s own good.)

6. “Kitten”: Skip it. Skinner gets one final spotlight in an episode that involves both Haley Joel Osment and Vietnam War flashbacks. It’s not very good, hence the skip, but worse is coming.

7. “Rm9sbG93ZXJz”: Watch it. This was the only Season 10 or 11 episode I chose to include in my recent ranking of the best 30 episodes ever, because it remains a lot of fun to see a strong narrative experiment like eschewing dialogue in play.

8. “Familiar”: Maybe skip it. There are some good spooky casefile aspects to this one, but it feels disconnected from the show’s mythology at large — at the very least, it totally features a little girl named Emily without remembering that that name has a lot of meaning for Scully. Honestly, here’s my best argument for skipping it — the end of the previous episode is a much better ending for the series as a whole. It’s certainly a lot better than the garbage served up by the actual finale. So maybe stop there, while you’re ahead.

9. “Nothing Lasts Forever”: Skip it. There’s some clever banter throughout this episode, but it’s also incredibly gross, and Mulder makes a comment to Scully about how “You can’t know how many times I imagined a scenario where you left that basement office before I ever needed glasses” — despite the fact that he was wearing glasses the first time they met. Here are the receipts — honestly, it’s hard to forgive that sort of oversight.

10. “My Struggle IV”: Skip it. This one just leaves the worst taste in your mouth. Gillian Anderson likely felt the same way — it’s the simplest explanation for why she was very firm and clear about how this would be her last time playing Scully. There’s a huge thing from the season premiere which gets explored here, and “Plus One” also plays a role as well, but all of these things happen in the worst possible way. I have not rewatched it since 2018, but horrible memories still lurk: Monica Reyes is now evil? Skinner’s head gets run over by a car so it pops like a balloon? Mulder goes on a full-scale murder spree that I’m pretty sure isn’t legal even if you are an FBI agent? And let’s not even touch on what’s going on with Scully. Just… Spare yourself. Remember The X-Files as it was at its best. Do not dwell on what it became.

Enjoy what you just read? Trying to forget that there’s more to come? Well, maybe you’ll enjoy the other Skip It/Watch It guides! Or the Liz Tells Frank Live podcasts! We have a good time.