Category Archives: All the Spoilers
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Head of State”
Dear Frank,
Because you’re a politically aware sort of person, you’re likely aware that the United States is dealing with some financial drama right now. You also might be aware that when our current president, Barack Obama, held a fundraiser to celebrate his 50th birthday last week, Fox News covered the event like so:
I don’t want to get too deep into politics today, Frank, but here’s the thing — I have a theory. There’s only one rational explanation for that headline, which is that the folks at Fox News have confused reality with the events of the political comedy Head of State, directed by and starring the very funny Chris Rock.
Head of State is an important film for one very specific reason — it is a historical remnant of an era when the concept “What if a black guy ran for President?” was a successful pitch for a comedy. For history’s sake, let’s get the timeline straight: Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Southland Tales”
Dear Frank,
Let’s get right to it. It is hot, I have had two drinks and what I know about Southland Tales at this moment is that I am glad to have had those two drinks before starting to watch it. So here we go!
For the record (she wrote while Netflix Instant loaded), I actually like and respect writer/director Richard Kelly to some extent, largely thanks to the same instincts that lead me to seeing Sucker Punch opening weekend. Short version: I respect crazy when it operates in cohesion with creativity. This, like many of my other annoying habits, hasn’t done me a tremendous amount of good.
Opening scene: A children’s party in Texas is interrupted by nuclear bombs. Whoops! Then it’s time for a dramatic exposition/news report hybrid: In the not-too-distant-future of 2008 (this movie was released theatrically in 2007), the draft gets reinstated, World War 3 has begun and everything is the worst thanks to the Middle East and our dependence on oil. On the plus side, things go well for the Republicans. Short version of all this exposition — American has disintegrated and we’re all fucked. Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Mass Effect”
Dear Frank,
As you know, every once in a while I reach out on Facebook and Twitter to ask people what they think you need to know about, because as a great philosopher once wrote, “true enlightenment comes from complete submersion into the unknown.” Okay, that great philosopher was me pulling some words out of my ass just now, but the concept is sound, right?
Anyways, a friendly fellow by the name of Woody Tondorf suggested that you needed to know about the video game series Mass Effect, which is a video game I have heard a lot about, but have never played, because as previously mentioned, my gaming abilities are pretty sub-par. However, I knew of someone who had played it: Kate Cox, of the video game criticism blog Your Critic is in Another Castle. Not only is the name of her blog AWESOME and her analysis of the video game industry from a feminist/media perspective very smart, but we went to summer camp together. Which makes her a most trusted expert.
So this week it’s less Liz Tells Frank and more Kate Tells Liz What to Tell Frank. But to be honest about it and show my work, below please find the chat conversation in which Kate reveals the first Mass Effect‘s secrets, I ask a lot of stupid questions, and we learn how complicated sexytimes in space can be. Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Sweet Valley High”
Dear Frank,
It only took about thirty years, but I think the young ladies of today have stopped reading Sweet Valley books. To which I say — oh, THANK GOD.
See, Frank, when I told you what happened in Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret, I mentioned that I was giving you one of the true secrets to understanding women. Sweet Valley High is another one. It’s not because it has any real insight into the reality of being a teenage girl — Buffy the Vampire Slayer offers a more realistic portrayal of high school life — but the genius of Sweet Valley is that it had nothing to do with reality. instead, it preyed on the deepest insecurities of young ladies, simultaneously coming off as aspirational and soul damaging. Reading these books could fuck you up for life. Let me explain how. Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In the 1996 “Doctor Who” Back Door Pilot
Dear Frank,
As you may be aware, the history of Britain’s classic science fiction series Doctor Who is epic — we’re talking about a show that premiered the day after Kennedy was assassinated and is still on the air. But the show hasn’t been running non-stop since 1963; between the “classic” Who years and the Russell T. Davies relaunch, the franchise experienced a fallow period. A very long fallow period. During which some truly crazy shit happened.
See, in between the show’s initial cancellation in 1989 and the recent reboot, the Fox Broadcasting Company got the idea that maybe Doctor Whowould work for American audiences. This was the year 1996, at which time Fox had established a proud tradition of airing crazy sci-fi shows, including The X-Files, Strange Luck, M.A.N.T.I.S. and VR.5, so the idea of them picking up Who isn’t as bizarre as one might think.
Hedging its bets, Fox pulled a pretty common network move, commissioning a back door pilot to be shot in Canada (another proud ’90s Fox tradition!) and starring a new (younger and presumably hotter) Doctor — if it worked, then Fox would continue the series, and if it didn’t work, all that would happen is an embarrassing memory for all involved. (GUESS WHICH ONE HAPPENED GUESS!!!!) Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In the U.S. “Life on Mars” Finale
Dear Frank,
Oh, the tragedy of the great British TV series, pure and original and beautifully executed — and then adapted into something completely different and strange for American consumption. Well, I say it’s a tragedy, and it is — but sometimes it leads to hilarity.
Frank, today I am not going to tell you about the very very good BBC drama Life on Mars (or its 80s-set sequel, Ashes to Ashes), in which a cerebral police detective from the 21st century finds himself inexplicably thrust backwards in time, and is forced to deal with the rough-and-tumble nature of police work in the 1970s (as well as the fashion and lack of iPhones). You should watch it yourself if you get a chance, because if you do you will get to meet Gene Hunt, the chief detective of Sam’s new 1970s precinct, one of modern television’s great alpha male characters and a perennial delight.
Instead, Frank, we’re talking about the American remake of the show, for a very specific reason. See, the central mystery of the British series is the question of what has really happened to Detective Sam Tyler — per the opening credits, is he in a coma, going crazy or traveling through time? The series slowly but confidently reveals the truth over two seasons, and then Ashes to Ashes continues things by asking the question of who Gene Hunt really is, and that takes THREE seasons, but you better believe it was a deeply satisfying conclusion.
Meanwhile, what happened with the American Life on Mars was as follows: Show premieres, fails to really grab an audience despite starring Harvey Keitel and Christopher from The Sopranos, slowly starts to circle the drain. However, ABC did a relatively decent thing, and gave the showrunners a big heads-up that there would be no season two, which gave them permission to end the story in season one.
That alone would be interesting, but several months ago, I got accidentally spoiled for what that ending entailed and HOLY SHIT, FRANK, IT WAS THE CRAZIEST SHIT I EVER HEARD. Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In... 