Blog Archives

Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “SeaQuest DSV”

Dear Frank,

SeaQuestDSV_S1_OuterBoxIt’s funny, to remember the year 1993, and the minor civil war that broke out between television-loving nerds: Specifically, the rift between those who chose to watch the premiere of Lois and Clark at 8 PM Sunday nights on ABC, and those who chose to watch SeaQuest DSV during the same time slot on NBC. Funny, because it’s a battle now made irrelevant by DVRs, and funny, because I’m pretty sure neither show was actually very good.

I know you were a Lois and Clark person, Frank, because of your deeply held Superman alligence, but I definitely fell on the SeaQuest side of things, for reasons that we’ll get into over the course of this retelling. However, it has been close to 20 years since I’ve seen an episode of this show, and I suspect that it doesn’t hold up. Let’s find out!

This thing opens with what I think is an old speech by John F. Kennedy and some stock footage of whales and dolphins, which, yay. How to win a pre-teen Liz’s heart, right off the bat? Motherfucking WHALES AND DOLPHINS. When I was a kid, I either wanted to be a marine biologist or a writer, and the major reason I went down the latter path is that I suck at doing actual science. Read the rest of this entry

Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “The Following” Pilot

Dear Frank,

poster-the-followingOh, ugh, she said in advance. What have I signed up for?

Tonight’s viewing of The Following‘s pilot comes by reader request, and even though she immediately regretted making that request, I remain a slave to our loyal readers. It’s only 44 minutes long, Frank! How bad could it be?

Sigh. Time for gross serial killer drama seen fit to be aired on a major broadcast network!

We start off in prison. Not so fun (despite what Orange is the New Black might have you think) especially after a whole bunch of guards get murdered! Poor guards. Read the rest of this entry

Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Space: Above and Beyond”

Dear Frank,

space above and beyond posterEvery once in a while, there’s the occasional question of how much longer the LTFWHI project can be sustained — we’re coming up on three years now, Frank, and well over 150 entries. (Not to mention two books!) That’s an awful lot of telling, right there.

But before this blog ever turns in its gun and badge, there are certain frontiers we have yet to explore. Certain things I have promised to tell you about that you should never be denied. Space: Above and Beyond is one of them.

Frank, as we’ve long since established, if you were a science fiction show made in the 1990s, I at least watched one or two episodes of you. And if you aired on Fox, I probably watched the full damn season you were allowed to air before getting canceled.

Pile on top of all that the fact that Space: Above and Beyond was created by X-Files producers Glen Morgan and James Wong, and I was SIGNED UP. Attractive young space marines dogfighting aliens in space? SOUNDS GOOD TO ME. Read the rest of this entry

Liz Tells Frank What Happened In the “Arrow” Pilot

Dear Frank,

arrow_posterI come to you bitter and jaded, a woman who has survived the worst that DC Comics television adaptations have to offer.

I refer not just to the unaired Wonder Woman pilot, which, to its defense, was never technically thrust upon the world. I also refer to Birds of Prey, the failed-but-actually-aired attempt to adapt the Chuck Dixon/Gail Simone comic for the WB. I have been through the wars, Frank. I have seen beloved characters betrayed. So let’s see what the CW has done to Green Arrow!

The first scene, in which a guy on a desert island with a lot of hair (head and face) shoots an arrow to set off an explosion that alerts a passing fisherboat that he’s been shipwrecked — that at least feels like a thing that should happen if the main character of the show is called Green Arrow.

Why isn’t he allowed to be green? I REALLY DO NOT KNOW BUT IT IS CONFUSING AS FUCK. Read the rest of this entry

Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “The Newsroom” Pilot

Dear Frank,

I think I’ve been doing it all wrong. See, I have been having this one-sided fight with Aaron Sorkin for almost — oh, god, it might be ten years at this point — largely through the medium that he, ironically, takes less seriously than any other in the world: internet blogging.

Maybe, instead of writing lengthy posts about how much I loved Sorkin as a yute and then later felt betrayed by his piggish attitudes towards women, I should be writing complex post-modern two-act theater works about how much I loved Sorkin as a yute and then later felt betrayed by his piggish attitudes towards women. Maybe THEN he’d– Okay, I have no idea what he would do. Change? Unlikely. But an internet girl can dream.

Sorkin’s new “I am awesome, hear me roar” series, as has been frequently discussed already, is The Newsroom, which combines Sorkin’s love of writing about live television (Sports Night, Studio 60 on the Sunday Strip) with his love of being really self-important about The Issues That Matter Today (The West Wing) with his love of swears (thanks, HBO!).

And Frank, here is what happens in it! Read the rest of this entry

Liz Tells Frank What Happened In (Parts of) “Touch”

Dear Frank,

So things have been kinda busy lately, but I am taking a break from the chaos for a short update because FRANK, IT IS SUPER-IMPORTANT THAT YOU KNOW ABOUT SOMETHING STUPID THAT HAPPENED ON TELEVISION.

In case you’re not aware, Kiefer Sutherland is back on Fox as the star of Touch, which was created by Heroes creator Tim Kring and BOY HOWDY can you tell that that is the case. Because BOY HOWDY is this show terrible in all the ways that Heroes was terrible, but sans superpowers and with the added bonus of having a terrible pilot, so you don’t suffer under any illusions that the show might actually be functional down the line.

I don’t really want to go into detail about the whole Kiefer-and-his-autistic-son-who-Kiefer-is-raising-alone-because-of-9/11-wife thing, or the whole autism-gives-you-magic-powers thing because, c’mon, heavy sigh. Really, Frank, I just want to tell you about this thing with the cell phone. Read the rest of this entry

%d bloggers like this: