Category Archives: America’s Next Top Model

Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In “Modelland”

Gaaaaaze into the power of my eeeeeeevil eye!Boy oh boy, Liz,

You may recall that when I was recapping Top Model for you, there was a challenge based on Tyra’s new young adult novel Modelland. At the time, I expressed semi-interest in reading Modelland and telling you about it. You took me up on that offer, and purchased me a copy for my brand new Kindle. “No sweat!” I thought. “This’ll be fun!”

Liz, when I wrote the recaps for the Top Model episodes, you and your readers no doubt guessed that I knocked back a few drinks and just wrote the recap as I watched, which saved me time and effort and allowed me to uphold my absolute standards of unprofessionalism. Sadly, I could not take this approach in reviewing Modelland, since rather than being a breezy 45 minutes of stupid reality show, Modelland is an aimless novel for teens that clocks in at a staggering 563 PAGES. THAT IS SO LONG. IT IS TOO LONG. To compare, the Pulitzer-Prize-winning novel A Visit from the Goon Squad is only 340 pages, and that book spanned a time period from the 70’s to the actual FUTURE. So Modelland… pretty long. Too long. Just like these opening paragraphs! Here’s what happened in it! Read the rest of this entry

Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In the “Top Model All Stars” FINALE

Well, Liz, this is it! Angelea! Lisa! Allison! ONLY ONE WILL WIN. Rum in hand, I face this, the end of all things.

Before we begin in earnest, let’s relive the opening credits for this cycle one last time. As I mentioned before, I kind of love them.

We open with each girl talking about how they should win in turn. Lisa says she’s overcome childhood abuse (news to me, explains a lot) and is in a good place. She thinks winning will be a great platform to sell her album (hopefully it includes her “Pot Ledom” single). She also wants to help her charity, which is for abused children. Well, that probably trumps the other two girls’ motives.

Angelea interviews about how she’s overcome her rough upbringing to make it this far. Allison interviews how she’s overcome her introversion. Preeeetty sure that of these three girls, Allison’s hurdle was the lowest to the ground. Although she did lose her father. Let’s not discount that. Read the rest of this entry

Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In “Top Model All Stars” Ep 11

Liz, I know this is a day late. Last night I went to The Meltdown show where a certain former roommate of yours was performing, along with several other funny folks. The power went out so they had to steal electricity and light the stage with a construction floodlight. Plus, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles co-creator Kevin Eastman was there! I bet that night was way more fun that whatever I’m about to experience. I could be wrong, but those are long odds.

Only four girls left! In descending order of Jeff’s affections: Allison! Laura! Angelea! Lisa! Right off the bat Tyra promises that tonight we’ll see the “world premiere fashion film” based on Tyra’s NY Times best-selling novel, Modelland. Well that sounds like a nightmare right off the bat! I’m going to grab a beer, even though my dinner has not arrived yet. (Also, Liz, never ask me to tell you what happened in Modelland, unless you want an emergency termination of our friendship.) [BUT NOW I WANT TO KNOW. –Liz]

We open with Angelea reveling in Dominique’s dismissal. You will recall that Angelea hated Dominique but Dominique seemed completely unaware of it. You will also recall that Dominique said that Angelea was not strong enough to be a Top Model and Angelea’s rebuttal was to burst into tears and run from the room. Lisa thinks that Angelea’s last outburst is just one in a series of many to come. The producers certainly hope so! Read the rest of this entry

Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In the “Top Model All Stars” Clip Show

Liz, it’s the clip show episode. There’s always a bit of new footage in here, so I’ll just give you a rundown of any interesting bits.

-During the first photo shoot, Sheena asked Lisa if she was a lesbian because Lisa could not stop staring at her.

-Isis had to answer a LOT of questions about her gender reassignment.

-Alexandria dreamed that this cycle would be different from her last one, where all the other girls hated her. Alexandria calls the other girls her “13 best friends”, because they are together 24/7. It’s like being in prison and declaring your cell mate to be your BFF. Do you get the feeling that Alexandria came back on this show not to win a competition, but just to prove that she can be likable? I’m getting that feeling. After Alexandria got into it with Bianca, Allison had a talk with her. In what seems like a wildly-out-of-context interview, Allison says “it’s like watching some strange car accident.” Allison admits that talking to Alexandria is hard, “I was just trying to be nice, but that doesn’t work here.” Allison knows the rules of Top Model prison. She’s like Morgan Freeman to Alexandria’s Tim Robbins. Read the rest of this entry

Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In “Top Model All Stars” Ep 10

Liz, I have made myself a rum and Coke to help things along. Let’s do this.

We open this episode by establishing intense, one-sided rivalries. Angelea wonders why Dominique got first picture last week when Angelea felt that hers was better. Angelea does not think Dominique deserves to have made it this far. Dominique is completely oblivious to Angelea’s animosity. Meanwhile, Lisa interviews about how the judges (correctly) fawn all over Allison. Lisa thinks Allison looks “dead”. Uh, okay. Lisa says she is the total package, and that she should win. You just might, Lisa! If you could win any cycle, this would be the one. Yes, I’m still predicting an Allison/Lisa final two.

No one has a secret rivalry with Laura, because awwww, Laura! Laura does get a bit of interview time to explain that Angelea seems to be having confidence issues.

Don’t forget that we’re still in Greece! The girls get a Tyra Mail telling them that they will meet with the judges tomorrow. The next day, the girls meet with Miss J. Miss J explains that there’s a TWISTEROO and the judges the girls are meeting are EACH OTHER. The girls will be criticizing (constructively, supposedly) one another’s walks and portfolios.

On Dominique’s first photo, Laura says “Your face looks amazing, but I don’t like your legs. Kinda looks like you’re fartin’.” Laura, y’all! And ugh, all these critiques are chopped up and edited into a big critique salad, cutting between all the girls, making recapping difficult. Laura gets up for some grilling by Miss J, and he asks which of the girls doesn’t deserve to be the winner. Laura, class act all the way, tells Miss J that even if her answer costs her the challenge, she would never say that any of the remaining girls don’t deserve to win. When it’s Allison’s turn to answer the same question, she too refuses to name someone. So does Lisa, probably since she knows Allison is her only serious competition and putting her down now would tip her hand. Read the rest of this entry

Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In “Top Model All Stars” Ep 9

Liz, this is not my only project tonight. I’ll try to keep it brief. Only six ladies left!

We open with Shannon admitting that she’s the only girl left who hasn’t won best photo. Hey, she’s right! She interviews that “thousands” of girls have emailed her to tell her she is their role model. Their role model in nonsensical underwear/bikini standards, I’m guessing.

The girls have lunch. The editors try and make it out like there’s tension between Dominique and Angelea, but I’m not buying it and neither should you.

Back at the house, Andre Leon Talley shows up at the front door, once again dressed as Raiden. I guess that’s just his regular day-wear. Or perhaps he REALLY IS RAIDEN. Anything is possible in this brave new world of ours, I suppose. He’s here to bring the girls dinner, and two “waiters” come in the front door, each carrying a stack of plates in each hand. The “waiters” mince about in the foyer until one runs into the other, knocking one of his plate stacks to the ground, shattering it. The “waiters” snipe at each other, and smash their remaining plates on the ground. They then dash past the girls and into the house.

Andre is “shocked”, but says that there is a country in the world where that is tradition. “Like in Greece! Where we’re all headed.” If you can imagine a more underwhelming introduction to the whole out-of-the-country trip, I’d like to hear it. Read the rest of this entry

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