Liz, I have made myself a rum and Coke to help things along. Let’s do this.

We open this episode by establishing intense, one-sided rivalries. Angelea wonders why Dominique got first picture last week when Angelea felt that hers was better. Angelea does not think Dominique deserves to have made it this far. Dominique is completely oblivious to Angelea’s animosity. Meanwhile, Lisa interviews about how the judges (correctly) fawn all over Allison. Lisa thinks Allison looks “dead”. Uh, okay. Lisa says she is the total package, and that she should win. You just might, Lisa! If you could win any cycle, this would be the one. Yes, I’m still predicting an Allison/Lisa final two.

No one has a secret rivalry with Laura, because awwww, Laura! Laura does get a bit of interview time to explain that Angelea seems to be having confidence issues.

Don’t forget that we’re still in Greece! The girls get a Tyra Mail telling them that they will meet with the judges tomorrow. The next day, the girls meet with Miss J. Miss J explains that there’s a TWISTEROO and the judges the girls are meeting are EACH OTHER. The girls will be criticizing (constructively, supposedly) one another’s walks and portfolios.

On Dominique’s first photo, Laura says “Your face looks amazing, but I don’t like your legs. Kinda looks like you’re fartin’.” Laura, y’all! And ugh, all these critiques are chopped up and edited into a big critique salad, cutting between all the girls, making recapping difficult. Laura gets up for some grilling by Miss J, and he asks which of the girls doesn’t deserve to be the winner. Laura, class act all the way, tells Miss J that even if her answer costs her the challenge, she would never say that any of the remaining girls don’t deserve to win. When it’s Allison’s turn to answer the same question, she too refuses to name someone. So does Lisa, probably since she knows Allison is her only serious competition and putting her down now would tip her hand.

Dominique gets the same question, and answers that honesty is important to her, so she chooses Angelea, due to her lack of confidence. Angelea throws up her hands in exasperation. Dominique says that she sees a lot of herself in Angelea, and thinks Angelea should own being an All Star. Dominique starts to get a bit emotional, like she’s been wanting to say this stuff for awhile. Angelea does not take it well.

Dominique: “I see so much more in you. And I love you and I care about you.”
Angelea (in an interview): “I feel like I’m being attacked. Where is this coming from? How unprofessional of you. How inconsiderate of you.”

Yeah, Dominique, save your perfectly valid critiques of your competitors for the interviews, where they can’t respond! Miss J asks why Dominique is getting emotional, and Dominique reiterates that it’s because she loves Angelea. I wonder how much love she’ll feel once she sees Angelea running her down in interviews the last few episodes. Laura jumps in, telling Angelea that they all care about her, but Angelea doesn’t see it because she’s so guarded.

Lisa nails it on the head and sets the stage for what’s about to happen in an interview: “Angelea, if you tell her anything, she’s going to take it as some form of attack and it’s difficult to communicate with her. She’s like a ticking time bomb.” And lo and behold, Angelea reacts poorly, telling everyone to get their two cents in. She tells them “I don’t need to be schooled by none of y’all”, which actually PISSES LAURA OFF MAJOR. “Angelea, I’m saying this because you need to hear it! This is me mad! ‘Cause you are a beautiful woman! You can sing, you have talent, but you DON’T! KNOW IT!” She’s like a pissed-off, Southern lady version of Vince Vaughn in Swingers.

Miss J figures now is a good a time as any for Angelea to stand up for critiques. Laura keeps trying to plead her case, which again, is that SHE THINKS ANGELEA IS GREAT. Not sure if Angelea is reacting so poorly because this was brought up by her secret enemy Dominique, or that she just has super-huge issues due to her upbringing. Just kidding, I am totally sure that it’s the latter. Angelea gets up and yells a bit. Laura yells that Angelea should listen to her. Angelea yells that Laura should let her speak. Angelea finally just walks out of the room, fighting back tears as she says “Y’all bitches, I know what y’all are trying to do. Stupid bitches. Fuck all y’all. Kiss my ass!” Back at the table, Laura is totally crying.

Woof! An emotional 15 minutes!

Back from commercial, and Dominique correctly points out that this is exactly what she’s talking about. Angelea just isn’t ready to be a Top Model All Star because she falls apart so easily. (Are any of us ready, really?) Angelea sulks outside until Miss J comes out to get her. Angelea rails on all those “sneaky bithces” until Miss J points out that by reacting as she did, Angelea made it all about her, so Angelea now has all the power. That seems somewhat dubious to me, but Angelea buys it and heads back inside. And that’s all we get of the interviews, as we cut right to Miss J asking the girls to fill out a flyer rating each of them on runway walk, portfolio, and “overall star quality”.

After tallying the votes, Miss J tells everyone that the girl with the lowest scores is… Allison. Well, I imagine “runway walk” and “overall star quality” sunk her. Also, Lisa probably just gave her a 1 in every category. And the girl with the highest scores is… Laura! Awwww! Laura interviews that she’s a dark horse. Lisa downplays it in an interview, saying that of course everyone put Laura first, because no one’s threatened by her. Ha! Lisa TOTALLY gave Allison low marks on purpose.

As a reward for their “grueling” challenge, the girls get a night on the town with “Former model/Crete socialite” Twylem Pyper, who I have never heard of but who certainly looks okay in a bikini top and short-shorts. She takes the girls out on a yacht for some cove swimming. Back on land, the girls head to a club, and apparently Twylem is a total boozehound. Allison interviews that Twylem keeps bringing her shots, but she just throws them over her shoulder really quick. We get some hilarious footage of this. Meanwhile, Angelea gives an interview where she says “My biggest obstacle is me.” YES. THAT’S WHAT EVERYONE WAS SAYING. AND YET YOU HATE THEM.

Photo shoot! Jay Manuel tells the girls that they’ll be posing with fashion accessories that “recreate” certain Olympic events, like discus, hurdles, etc. Okay, sure. And the photographer is Nigel! Well, the perv-o-meter on this photo shoot just shot into the red. Dominique is first, wielding a javelin. The first words out of Nigel’s mouth are “You look amazing.” PERV PATROL. Liz, perhaps your readers do not know my opinion of Nigel Barker. My opinion of Nigel Barker is that he wants to bang all the contestants. He better not try anything funny with Allison, or else Game will be totally jealous.

(It occurs to me that I might be being too hard on Nigel, since he is the only straight dude with a regular presence on the show. I mean, I might sound as pervy as Nigel were I a judge on this show. Also, I should be a judge on this show.)

Allison gets discus, and her discus is… a purse. Listen, I know I’m no fashion expert, but that seems dumb as hell. Allison starts out rough, but improves towards the end. Lisa gets hurdles, and her “hurdle” is a turned-over column with some jewelry thrown on top. That seems lazy even by Top Model standards. Lisa is worried about jumping, since she’s been jumping in two of her previous photos. But Nigel insists on jumping, and Lisa delivers. Laura comes out, dressed to represent archery. “You look amaaaaaaazing!” Nigel croons. He’s just planting seeds, Liz. Laura tells Nigel that her sister is very good with a bow and arrow, leading to this amazing exchange:

NIGEL: Why am I not surprised that your sister is good with a bow and arrow?
LAURA: We gotta eat!

So basically Laura just admitted that her sister is Katniss Everdeen. Laura does very well. She’s very Athena. At the end of the shoot, Laura comes up to Nigel and says, “My sister can kill with a bow… soooo best photo, right?” Liz, you know I’m Team Allison, but Laura is right up there.

Angelea has shot put, and her shot put is a shell. DUMB. Angelea is awkward and her shoot is not great. Nigel basically has to pose her himself. To her credit, Angelea recognizes that her shoot was poor. Meanwhile, Dominique points out in an interview that in her last shoot with Nigel, she went home. Reason enough to be nervous, I think!

Panel! Allison’s photo turned out pretty good. That’s really all I was worried about. Dominique’s shot is weak, and Nigel makes excuse for her. Andre Leon Talley is having none of it, saying this is the first time he’s EVER heard of a photographer making excuses for a model. Nigel gives a tight-lipped smile and thinks about banging Dominique.

Elimination! Laura is first called! She just killed it this episode. Both with the judges and with yours truly. And Allison is second, so good has triumphed. The bottom two, to no one’s surprise, are Dominique and Angelea. The girl who’s going home is… Dominique. Wait, what? I seriously wrote a eulogy for Angelea before Tyra’s announcement. Anyway, Angelea is safe for another week. I smell a “she makes good television” save. Perhaps she’ll storm off once or twice again before inevitably being eliminated!

Next time! Tyra directs the girls in what appears to be a remake of Immortals! Tyson Beckford shows up and I assume Angelea pretends to faint or fans herself or something!

Love,
Jeff