Liz, I know this is a day late. Last night I went to The Meltdown show where a certain former roommate of yours was performing, along with several other funny folks. The power went out so they had to steal electricity and light the stage with a construction floodlight. Plus, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles co-creator Kevin Eastman was there! I bet that night was way more fun that whatever I’m about to experience. I could be wrong, but those are long odds.

Only four girls left! In descending order of Jeff’s affections: Allison! Laura! Angelea! Lisa! Right off the bat Tyra promises that tonight we’ll see the “world premiere fashion film” based on Tyra’s NY Times best-selling novel, Modelland. Well that sounds like a nightmare right off the bat! I’m going to grab a beer, even though my dinner has not arrived yet. (Also, Liz, never ask me to tell you what happened in Modelland, unless you want an emergency termination of our friendship.) [BUT NOW I WANT TO KNOW. –Liz]

We open with Angelea reveling in Dominique’s dismissal. You will recall that Angelea hated Dominique but Dominique seemed completely unaware of it. You will also recall that Dominique said that Angelea was not strong enough to be a Top Model and Angelea’s rebuttal was to burst into tears and run from the room. Lisa thinks that Angelea’s last outburst is just one in a series of many to come. The producers certainly hope so!

Laura reminds the viewers at home that she was the runner-up in the Top Model short cycle, losing to my beloved Nicole. I had completely forgotten she had gotten so far! Here is a picture of Nicole and Laura lounging in a field:

And now back to the action. Laura goes on a bit about how far she’s come, and how she can’t believe she’s made it so far, what with coming from a farm and all. We get some footage of Laura back on the farm, and this retrospective either means Laura’s going all the way or she’s getting eliminated this episode. Lisa considers Laura her biggest competition, but Lisa believes she has more experience than Laura.

The girls meet Nigel at a clothing store. One of the prizes this cycle is that the winning girl will get to write a blog for Vogue Italia, so today the girls will be auditioning for the editor-in-chief. The challenge is to write a blog about Crete’s culture and fashion. And it consists of many parts, because I guess the producers hate me. The girls need to 1) pick an outfit from the store, 2) meet a driver outside, drive around Crete, and find a location that inspires them, 3) take some photos of their location, and 4) head back to the hotel and write their blog. (My buddy Kip would be upset that Nigel referred to a “post” as a “blog”, and he’d be right to do so.) [NO! A “blog” is made up of “blog posts” AKA “posts”! Jeff, we’ll have to fight about this later in person. — Liz] I guess we’re getting this nonsense instead of go-sees this cycle. Could no one line up some go-sees, or are we just that divorced from anything resembling modeling this cycle? Anyway, the winner wins a trip to Crete. A second one, I mean. Later.

The girls put together some outfits and go their separate ways. Lisa is pitching her blog basically as a “What To Do In Crete” kind of thing. Laura arrives at her preferred destination only to find that Allison is already there. Angelea seeks out a more urban locale. The girls head back to the house for some light typing. Nigel announces that the winner will be declared the following night, because apparently if you are the editor of Vogue Italia it takes 24 hours to read four blog posts.

The next day, the girls arrive for their “motion editorial” directed by Tyra. Tyra pops up to plug her novel, which is apparently about a modeling school (Modelland, natch) that is on top of a mountain? I get the idea that it’s basically modeling Hogwarts. And the main character (“Tookie”) is totally a Mary Sue of Tyra! The girls will be representing different versions of Tookie. “Not be confused with tooching your booty,” Laurel points out. Noted!

Apparently the shooting of this “motion editorial”/awful-book-promo will take a whopping TWO DAYS, and the finished product will not only be shown at this week’s judging, but at next week’s as well. Such is the glory of Tyra. The outfits for this shoot were all designed by Michael Cinco, who showed up a few episodes ago, and they actually look pretty cool. I’m almost sorry I said that Michael Cinco looks like Robert Blake in Lost Highway.

Tyra makes the girls run a lot. “Go go go!” is yelled by several people. Tyra yells at Angelea, “Run like a normal person!” Each girl gets an individual moment. Lisa has to cradle a doll. Laura has to root through some garbage, and then has to spray whipped cream in her mouth in what must take the prize for “Most Inadvertently Pornographic Shoot in Top Model History”, which is really saying something. Tyra, from the sidelines: “Don’t swallow, don’t swallow, don’t swallow, spitspitspitspitspitspitspit!” And then Laura spits whipped cream in a cup. That’s what happened, Liz. What you do with that information is up to you.

We get a montage of more shooting, and BOY is this thing ever weird. The girls frolic in a fountain, then they’re wielding nunchaku. Allison’s individual shoot comes up, and she is dressed like Catwoman and holding a kitten. It is both insane and INSANELY ADORABLE. And, uh, let me just dictate how Tyra describes this shoot: “So, in Modelland, Catwalk Corridor is where all the bad “intoxibellas”, otherwise known as supermodels, get sent, and they get turned into cats.” WHAT THE HOLY LIVING FUCK. Liz, I hereby rescind what I said about Modelland. Get me a copy for Christmas. [DO YOU HAVE A KINDLE? Love, Liz.]

Allison declares today’s shoot “a dream come true” since she loves cats so much. The kitten looks like our cat, Sherlock! Allison nails it by saying “I can definitely relate to some of the bizarre concepts that are going to be happening in this editorial video.” Allison can smell what Tyra is (insanely) cooking. Then Allison has to shoot with blood oranges (because that is what Modelland smells like OBVIOUSLY) and then has a shoot where her mouth is has been cut, incorporating Allison’s favorite thing: blood. Laura interviews that this whole shoot is right in Allison’s wheelhouse. Angelea has to be Tookie’s fear and sadness, and Angelea gets emotional. She cries on camera, and Tyra thinks it’s great. Lisa still thinks Angelea is too fragile.

Meanwhile, Nigel phone conferences with Franca Sozzani, editor-in-chief of Vogue Italia, about the girls’ blog entries. Nigel thinks Allison’s attempt was “high-fallutin'” because she mentioned Persephone. I GET THAT REFERENCE, NIGEL. We don’t get to hear which blog Franca liked best. That will have to wait until… right now! Nigel arrives at the girls’ flat to announce the blog winner. Angelea wins! That’s really nice for her. Lisa is baffled that dumb ol’ Angelea could win.

Shooting, DAY TWO! Jay announces that they’ll have a new co-star, but it won’t be another kitten. Allison does a great “darn it!” snapping motion. No, as anyone who saw a promo or the title of this episode knew, it’s Tyson Beckford! And as I predicted, Angelea has a cow. As everyone gets ready for the shoot, Tyson allows Angelea to give him a hug, and she does so, letting out a low “o-o-o-oooh.” Tyson interviews that Allison was quieter than the rest. Will he give in to her charms like Game before him??? Stay tuned.

The girls arrive on the beach with Laura crowing “300… WOMAN STYLE!” She’s so great. The girls sprint across the beach. The next shot will be the reveal of the eventual All Star winner.

Each girl holds a mask in front of her face and whips it down to reveal her face. That seems like a pretty anti-climactic way to announce the winner. “Well, obviously here is Allison holding a mask in front of her face, and the winner is.. ALLISON!” That’s just some fantasy booking (wrestling terms, Liz), but you get the idea.

Panel! And here’s part one of Tyra’s crazy-ass vision.

Liz, I think I can say with confidence that we are all Tookie. Also, why is all of Laura’s footage in reverse? The whipped cream going back in the can is somehow filthier. I will say that Angelea’s crying totally plays. Nice one, Angelea.

Laura gets criticism for making spraying whipped cream in her mouth too sexy. Really??? What happened was basically like a shoot where Tyra says “Okay, we’re gonna have this guy splooge on your face, but don’t make it sexy. Make it soft and vulnerable. Okay, here it comes… NO, TOO SEXY!” What I’m saying is that Laura was put into a no-win situation. Nigel loves Allison’s work, but Tyson disagrees. Guess he resisted Allison’s charms. Lisa gets raves.

Judging! Andre Leon Talley is totally sick of Laura’s hick shit (he resists saying “gauche”), but Tyra admires her commitment. Tyson approves, as well. However, he finds Allison too quiet. That’ll teach Allison for not dissolving into giggles at the very sight of Tyson Beckford! Nigel notes that Allison is not super personable, but he still loves her camera work. Backstage, Allison believe she’ll be in the bottom. We cut back to the judges with a title card of “1.5 hours later”. Tyra, Nigel, and Tyson are all on their feet, debating. It’s like Act III of 12 Angry Men. Everyone bickers back and forth. We actually get a shot of heretofore-unseen executive producer Ken Mok yelling “Make a decision!” Tyson says Tyra will have to override and make an executive decision, but Tyra says she doesn’t do that. Not on camera, anyway.

Elimination! Lisa is first called. Okay. Not surprising, but I can’t say I’m psyched. Angelea is next, which means the bottom two is Allison and Laura. Bye, Laura! I mean, she’s great, but I refuse to give her up over Allison. And Laura is indeed going home. Awwww! Tyra tells Allison to push her personality. In her exit interview, Laura tears up, saying, “I could never be disappointed in my life because at 22 I’ve came [sic] so far. I mean, people know my name all around the world!” We get some footage of Laura’s music video. Laura, you were a worthy contender. I salute you!

Next time! The finale! Masks! Tears! Wire work! BE THERE!