Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In “Top Model All Stars” Ep 9
Liz, this is not my only project tonight. I’ll try to keep it brief. Only six ladies left!
We open with Shannon admitting that she’s the only girl left who hasn’t won best photo. Hey, she’s right! She interviews that “thousands” of girls have emailed her to tell her she is their role model. Their role model in nonsensical underwear/bikini standards, I’m guessing.
The girls have lunch. The editors try and make it out like there’s tension between Dominique and Angelea, but I’m not buying it and neither should you.
Back at the house, Andre Leon Talley shows up at the front door, once again dressed as Raiden. I guess that’s just his regular day-wear. Or perhaps he REALLY IS RAIDEN. Anything is possible in this brave new world of ours, I suppose. He’s here to bring the girls dinner, and two “waiters” come in the front door, each carrying a stack of plates in each hand. The “waiters” mince about in the foyer until one runs into the other, knocking one of his plate stacks to the ground, shattering it. The “waiters” snipe at each other, and smash their remaining plates on the ground. They then dash past the girls and into the house.
Andre is “shocked”, but says that there is a country in the world where that is tradition. “Like in Greece! Where we’re all headed.” If you can imagine a more underwhelming introduction to the whole out-of-the-country trip, I’d like to hear it. Anyway, there is confetti and the girls screech and dance around (Allison does NOT dance around, because she is an adult with dignity and self-respect). The waiters return, now dressed in togas, and dance with the girls. That’s good. I was worried they had hidden themselves in a closet or a cupboard somewhere and would sneak out at night to steal everyone’s valuables. The girls all get to smash some plates of their own, which seems legitimately fun.
And now we’re in Athens! Miss J greets the girls, accompanied by the host of Greece’s Next Top Model. I love it when they talk about the show as an international franchise. I mean, can you believe that shit? Hilarious. The girls will be flying to Crete, where they will have to give a one-minute speech at a press conference. The speech should include some personal information, some info on Greece, and some actual Greek. It’s like a middle school presentation, really. Whoever does best will win some swank jewelry. On the flight over, everyone writes their speech except Angelea, who wants to be spontaneous. I think she mostly just wanted to listen to her iPod.
The plane lands and there’s a crowd of people outside, including the mayor of Crete! I don’t know why I think that’s so funny, but boy, do I think “the mayor of Crete” is EXTREMELY funny. Laura reminds us all that she is dyslexic AND she has a thick Southern accent, which is like being double dyslexic, I guess. Lisa speaks first, dressed in a small top and a micro skirt, and a little “ding!” sound effect is added for each successful talking point she hits. She concludes her speech with “Wooooo! Let’s rock and rooooll!” which gets her an “ENNNNNNH!” sound effect from the editors. Great work, guys.
Lisa interviews that Allison’s speech probably won’t be much fun. Lisa has correctly scouted Allison as her biggest competition, and is getting in some preliminary shit-talk. Allison’s speech goes very well, because Allison is Godzilla, and this competition is Japan. Everyone else speaks, too! Afterwards, the girls head to a swank spa where they’ll be staying. Miss J gives critiques, and the only interesting part is when he criticizes Lisa for being inappropriately dressed for visiting dignitaries. In an interview, Lisa points out “Politicians really like minimal clothes. If you watch the news.” She really has a low opinion of the mayor of Crete.
The winner of the challenge is… Allison! Yeah, I’m thinking an Allison/Lisa final two here, Liz. Maybe Angelea or Laura in the final three. Allison wins one of Wonder Woman’s bracelets.
The next morning, Mr. Jay shows up to tell the girls that for the final runway challenge, the girls will get to collaborate with a designer to create their final runway gowns. Will the designers be from Project Runway? Wouldn’t that be the best Project Runway challenge ever? (That’s a trick question, Liz. The best Project Runway challenge that there has ever been or ever will be was when they designed for the WWE divas. This is not up for debate.)
Jay tells the girls that the designer they’ll be working with is Michael Cinco. And the trend of guest-stars looking like weirdos continues, because Michael Cinco looks like Robert Blake in Lost Highway. Also, why are we designing final runway gowns now? Won’t only two of these girls compete on this runway? I guess we need to kill time somehow. The girls each have some design time with Cinco.
The next morning, Laura feels really sick, but she soldiers on because she’s of hearty Southern stock. The girls meet Jay on the beach, where he explains they will be modeling in an enormous Greek salad bowl in their underwear. It’s like some perverted Double Dare challenge. I’ve watched this show for so long that this photo concept didn’t even phase me. Anyway, Shannon is of course upset about posing in underwears.
The underwear actually looks more like swimsuits. I should also mention that Laurel is having NONE of Shannon’s anti-underwear stance, since she’ll pose in swimsuits that cover less of her body. Laurel says Shannon is like a person who goes to a steakhouse and complains there are no vegetarian options. Laurel’s right! Shannon’s stance is totally nonsensical! You don’t want to get undressed, that’s fine. But it’s completely weird to think one tiny scrap of cloth covering your vag is “okay” while another tiny scrap of cloth is “inappropriate”.
Meanwhile, some guys fill the salad bowl with actual salad. There’s a flag in there somewhere and the girls will have to find it in less than a minute if they want to complete the Physical Challenge.
Jay goes over to talk to Shannon about underwear. Shannon tells him how bad she wants to win the competition. Uh, NO YOU DON’T, SHANNON. You want to win some other competition where you will never have to take off your clothes. There are many such competitions out there. Perhaps you should try one of them! Jay, much like Laurel, is totally over Shannon’s arbitrary underwear/swimsuit distinctions. Shannon ultimately declines to participate.
So now we get a bunch of shots of girls writhing around in an enormous salad bowl, occasionally pouring olive oil on themselves. Liz, I am normally in favor of girls in bikinis (or underwear that looks EXACTLY LIKE BIKINIS), but this is not even remotely sexy to me. I’m sure there’s some salad fetishist out there who will never stop jacking it to this episode, and more power to him. It’s just not my thing.
The girls all have shoots. When it’s Allison’s turn she gives the weirdest interview (even by Allison standards): “Since I have vampire vision and I’m not meant to be in the daylight, I literally can’t open my eyes and when I do? Tears.” WAIT IS VAMPIRE VISION A THING? Okay, Google says no. Urban Dictionary says maybe. I’m on a few beers here, Liz, and I’m very susceptible to suggestion. The next bit is also gold: “Getting into the bowl, it kind of feels like you’re stepping into someone’s… organs.” ALLISON FOR PRESIDENT. Allison thinks she did not have a good shoot.
Judging! The only interesting bit is when the judges tell Shannon that her nonsense semantics are nonsense. Shannon will be judged by her entire portfolio.
Elimination! Best photo this week is Dominique! Sure, okay. Allison is runner-up, meaning her fears were unfounded. The bottom two are Laura (who was sick, remember) and Shannon. I’ll be pissed if Laura goes home. Tyra talks about each of the girls’ brands and my mind wanders. The girl who’s safe is… Laura! GOOD. But also the definition of anticlimax. Shannon says she stayed true to herself. True! People contain multitudes and sometimes those multitudes are weird!
Next time! The girls drink! Then they have to give one another critiques and Angelea loses her shit! It was only a matter of time, I suppose.