Well, Liz, this is it! Angelea! Lisa! Allison! ONLY ONE WILL WIN. Rum in hand, I face this, the end of all things.

Before we begin in earnest, let’s relive the opening credits for this cycle one last time. As I mentioned before, I kind of love them.

We open with each girl talking about how they should win in turn. Lisa says she’s overcome childhood abuse (news to me, explains a lot) and is in a good place. She thinks winning will be a great platform to sell her album (hopefully it includes her “Pot Ledom” single). She also wants to help her charity, which is for abused children. Well, that probably trumps the other two girls’ motives.

Angelea interviews about how she’s overcome her rough upbringing to make it this far. Allison interviews how she’s overcome her introversion. Preeeetty sure that of these three girls, Allison’s hurdle was the lowest to the ground. Although she did lose her father. Let’s not discount that.

Lisa interviews that now Angelea is her biggest competition. Angelea interviews that Lisa is her biggest competition. They do seem to both be competing for the same “slightly-unhinged outspoken girl” spot. As she’s mentioned before, Lisa notes that Angelea is too fraglie. Allison points out that all the girls have different strengths and weaknesses and it will really depend on what the judges and clients want. In other words, who knows what arbitrary horseshit they’ll be judged on. You never know when you’ll be the girl who’s cursed with spitting up whipped cream.

Time for the Cover Girl commercial, plus the beauty shot that will be used for the winner’s national print ad. The girls get a teleprompter for their commercial. Well, we wouldn’t want anything interesting to happen during the shoot! Lisa does well on her photo, but has a bit of a hambone problem with her commercial. She eventually gets a take that pleases Jay.

Allison’s photo is great, but in the commercial, she is once again felled by her enormous anime eyes. The lights are too bright for her to open her eyes for a key close-up. Eventually she gets a good shot with her eyes closed. When it comes time to run lines, Allison unsurprisingly struggles at first, but eventually brings enough energy to please Jay.

Angelea’s super-nervous, but her photo comes out great. She also brings a lot of energy to her lines. Well, that was easy. Boy, is this episode dull so far!

And we go right in to the Vogue Italia photo shoot! No time for stuff that’s fun to describe! As Allison gets made up, Angelea tells her she looks really great. In an interview, Angelea decides that Allison is actually her biggest competition. Make up your mind, Angelea! At the photo shoot, everyone seems to do well. WILL THIS INSANE ROLLERCOASTER OF AN EPISODE EVER END??? Just kidding, I am basically asleep.

The girls get ready to walk in the runway show. What, no mid-episode elimination as per usual? Jay confirms that all three girls will be walking in the big runway show. I’m hoping at the end of the runway show the girls will all need to fight to the death to appease Ares, god of war. A BOY CAN DREAM. In the most ADRed description that was ever ADRed, Jay explains the runway show: “You’re going to descend down into a pool of water. This represents your transformation from mortal to goddess. It’s just like your transformation into all stars.” Ooh, they’re taking a page from the Ovid playbook. The girls will also be involved in some light wirework. In a nice touch, each girl will walk to the song they recorded earlier in the cycle.

Jay lets the girls know that a few previously-eliminated folks will be joining them on the runway, specifically Shannon, Dominique, and Laura. Always nice to see Laura, even though she is dressed like an 80’s streetwalker. Designer Michael Cinco is also on hand to show the girls the dresses he helped them design a few episodes ago. Lisa’s dress is, as requested, covered in sparkly garbage. Angelea’s dress has some awesome shoulder wing-thingies that make her look like she belongs in God of War. I approve. Allison’s is very lacy, closer to a wedding dress. I think I like Angelea’s the best.

And now the traditional check-in with the eliminated girls to see who they think should win. Laura says that she is rooting for Allison. Or as she puts it, “GO ALLI CAT!” God bless that delightful hayseed. Shannon seems to be on Team Lisa. Dominique seems to be on Team “I don’t want to endorse anyone on camera.” She thinks the judges will have a tough decision. I think I will have another drink.

Runway time! Miss J is wearing a flowing red dress, plus a gladiator helmet. SHEESH. And now, a miniature play.

LAUREL: Do you think J owns all these outfits, or do you think he makes the show buy them for him?
JEFF: That’s a good question. I think it’s 50/50.

Angelea is nervous about getting in the water because she doesn’t know how to swim. She starts tearing up (again) because she’s so nervous (again). I’ll take her over Lisa any day, but Angelea is really a broken record at this point. Do you think at the end of this episode Angelea will realize that her actual biggest competition was… herself? (Probably, as we’ll see later)

The runway show begins. It’s really windy, which should make the wire portion fun. A generic Greek model goes first, and this runway turns out to be WAY MORE COMPLICATED than I envisioned. First, the girl steps out onto a runway that leads to the pool. Then the girl must swim across the entire pool, staying underwater as long as she can. I thought the water portion would involve some light wading, not like, “swim a lap.” No wonder Angelea was nervous. Then the girl climbs out of the pool and moves to the center of a circular curtain that raises up around her so she can change clothes and put on her wires. There are some lightning and thunder effects, the curtain drops, and the girl flies up and out a few feet on wires, then lands and walks the remainder of the runway. Also, the girls are wearing masks the entire time that really seem to impair one’s vision. Man! That’s rough! I mean, I kind of like it because I’m a sucker for Greek mythology stuff (even Top Model lip service to Greek mythology stuff), but it seems like 85% decathlon horseshit, 15% actual modeling. And I might be being a tad generous to the modeling on those percentages. The good news is that this runway is so bonkers, something totally has to go wrong.

Lisa is the first of our finalists out, and as she dives in the pool, her lengthy red wig gets caught in her mask and she gets turned around. She winds up making a hard right turn and surfacing on the wrong side of the pool. She reorients herself and swims to the correct side. She climbs out and prepares for the second half. BUT WAIT. Lisa then reveals that in part 2, she runs out of the curtain and a totally different girl comes in, dressed as a goddess, to handle the back half. WHAT??? This is not how I was led to believe this would go down. What the hell is happening, Liz??? Presumably each finalist will get a shot at each half, but why make the girls do the swimming half at all? Is physical prowess now a key factor in determining America’s Next Top Model All Star? Whenever I forget that Tyra is straight-up insane, she is determined to remind me.

Lisa dries off, changes, and gets ready for the goddess portion of her runway. She revels in the wire portion, but as she touches down, she interviews that the high winds are trouble. Her train whips around everywhere, but she makes it to the end of the runway. Then her #1 hit single kicks in (I forgot that part already!) and she parades the runway, sort of dance-walking and really working it. She does really well. The audience goes wild. If she takes the victory on this performance, I wouldn’t be surprised.

It’s Angelea’s turn to swim (Whyyyyyy??????), and she has to surface a few times (what with being a terrible swimmer and all), but she at least manages a straight line. She does her madcap goddess change, and also does some sweet dance-walking to her “Pot Ledom” number. Boy, Allison’s got a lot to live up to, what with not having dance in her soul.

Allison’s up for swimming, and she manages the entire length of the pool in one breath, because she is apparently part fish. After her goddess change, she handles the wires pretty well. Her actual walk turns out kind of awkward, since she doesn’t manage the wind. I’m not liking Allison’s chances here, Liz. At the end of the runway show, Lisa notes that Angelea seems really out-of-sorts. Seems like a really false commercial cliffhanger, but it’s actually crazy-ass foreshadowing, as we soon see at…

Panel! Things are incredibly weird right off the bat, as we’re suddenly back in Los Angeles and Nigel announces that after shooting was wrapped, the production team and the network learned information from Angelea that disqualifies her from the competition. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT???? Liz, they clearly had to RESHOOT THE END OF THIS CYCLE. Well this is certainly bananas. Also, Angelea really WAS her own biggest competition! I’ve decided that I’ll just live-recap the ending, and then Google the shit out of why Angelea got cut. You’ll learn things just as I do! But believe me, I find Angelea’s issues a far more involving mystery than who actually wins this thing. Laurel even theorizes that maybe Angelea won the cycle, which is why they need to reshoot. Guess we’ll find out! (If you absolutely can’t wait, skip to the bottom.)

Nigel explains that the producers thought it best to just evaluate Allison and Lisa, sans Angelea. Yeah, total reshoot time. Jay wishes Angelea all the best in her future endeavors, which makes it sound like Angelea has just been fired by the WWE. So, here we go! Lisa and Allison are your final two, just as I repeatedly predicted. And maybe they’ve already been through this judging once already!

Allison gets runway critiques first. Nigel praises her swimming, but points out that her walk is basically terrible. Allison did not work the wind! Lisa’s swimming gets panned, but her walk was tremendous. If only this was America’s Next Top Swimmer! ADVANTAGE: LISA

Commercial time! Allison’s is surprisingly engaging! Lisa’s is great, though. However, Tyra does not like Lisa’s commercial! She thinks Lisa was downplaying the whole thing. Yikes. ADVANTAGE: …LISA?

Cover Girl shot. Allison’s is pretty weak, honestly. This couldn’t possibly be her best shot. Lisa’s is wonderful. Across-the-board raves, including a quick perv comment from Nigel for old time’s sake. ADVANTAGE: LISA

Judging! Each girl’s entire body of work will be judged. Lisa has high energy, but Allison takes better photos. The judges point out that Allison has a particularly rabid fanbase. She’s like the Community of Top Model contestants. Nigel points out that Lisa is the total package. Tyra says she has been through hell and back. However, Allison did win the Extra challenge. Also, Game fell in love with her! (Tyra puts it in exactly those terms.) Tyra notes that Allison’s eyes are her greatest strength but also her greatest weakness, since they are so light-sensitive. A decision is reached!

Elimination/Crowning! Tyra says that the girls will now get to see the second half of their Modelland video. Possibly for the second time! Lisa and Allison certainly seem like they’re barely enthused. Anyway, the end of the video will announce the winner. And it’s Lisa! Not much of a surprise. Lisa is moved. Allison is graceful in defeat, just as you knew she would be. Lisa tells us that her confidence comes from a very vulnerable place. Hey, she overcame a lot of shit and I commend her for that. Congratulations, Lisa!

AND NOW THE DIRT ON ANGELEA. At the moment, none of this is verified. But the rumor is that Angelea revealed the final three on her Facebook, thus negating her contract. There’s even some talk that she actually won the cycle, thus necessitating the reshoot. That’s all just plausible enough to make sense. I mean, if she hadn’t originally won, why cut her out of the ending? I guess you’d maybe want to send a message about violating contracts, but reshoots aren’t cheap. I’m sure the entire thing will come out eventually, but man, imagine if Angelea actually did win! Everyone be sure and teach your kids about the perils of the internet.

In conclusion, this was an INDESCRIBABLY BORING cycle. I might be done with this show, Liz. If the all-star cycle is this dull, what hope is there for the future? But if this is my last cycle of America’s Next Top Model, I’m glad you let me tell you about it.

Love,
Jeff