Liz, I think it’s funny that none of the girls on this modeling show are as good-looking as Anya on Project Runway.

First, I know this is a day late AGAIN. I was home last night, but I also now own Batman: Arkham City, and who else was going to catch the phone booth killer? Mr. Jay? I DON’T THINK SO. I think we can agree that a 24-hour wait is worth the lives I saved in Gotham City last night, even if this episode turned out to be SUPER DUPER. Now let’s do this!

We open with Lisa crying about the elimination of her fellow Cycle 5 contestant Bre. She also notes that Bianca no longer has a bodyguard (hey, just like I did last week!). Back at the house, Bianca and Alexandria have a disagreement about who’s next in the shower, which leads to a hilarious Bianca interview where she says that she saw Alexandria’s cycle and really loved her, figuring she was just misunderstood. But now that she knows her, she thinks Alexandria is just as bad as advertised. Bianca disliking Alexandria lends credence to my theory that Alexandria is much improved this cycle. Bianca ends her argument with Alexandria by taunting “Call me when you become an all star!” which is hilarious for two reasons. 1) Alexandria is currently on a show with “All Star” in the title and 2) Being a Top Model All Star is not something that should be desirable or admired.

After commercial, Kayla and Bianca are discussing their strengths and weaknesses. Let me just quote a bit of it verbatim.

KAYLA: Your weakness could be… you could be portrayed as a bitch, and bitches never win.
BIANCA: IN WHOSE WORLD?!

Ha haaaaa! Fair enough, Bianca. I’ll go ahead and put a tally mark in your empty ‘win’ column. But Kayla was probably talking specifically about Top Model, and in that sense, she’s right. This was unequivocally proven in Cycle 7, when villain Melrose faced off against goofball Caridee, and the judges ultimate decision was, “Melrose, your runway walk was vastly superior, and your photos were very strong, but you are awful to be around. Caridee wins!” That was a good one. Anyway, Kayla is worried about sticking out enough in this pack of loudmouths.

Challenge time! The girls meet Nigel on the roof of the Roosevelt Hotel. Dear God, please let me stumble across a Top Model filming at some point. They’re all over my neighborhood, so this doesn’t seem like a difficult request. The challenge is that the girls will be designing their own signature fragrance. Very important to modeling! Nigel introduces a pinched-face minstrel named Ben Bennett, founder of some beauty company. He’s here to help the girls with their fragrances. Ben addresses the girls, and there’s no getting around it: Ben Bennett talks just like Lumpy Space Princess.

Let’s not talk about the 20 minutes I just wasted watching Adventure Time clips. Liz, just imagine a pinched-face minstrel talking in that voice and saying “We’re going to have you select three fragrances and my team will blend a fragrance just for you.” So they’re not totally in the woods here. And they’re off. Lisa’s fragrance is called “Neon” and it’s about fun, because that’s Lisa’s brand. UGH BRANDING TALK IT BURNS. Shannon’s fragrance is “Smitten” (not bad, actually), and it’s about purity. Lisa interviews that she’s not sure what Shannon’s brand is because MAYBE SHANNON’S A HUMAN BEING AND HER BRAND IS BEING A PERSON, NOT A BUZZWORD. Ahem. Lisa continues her once-an-episode habit of saying something theoretically sensible and actually completely crazy by noting “I’m not really sure what Shannon’s selling. But what she’s really good at selling is selling herself short.” Liz, please have you or your readers email me an explanation for that sentence, because I have no idea.

Angelea’s fragrance is called “Angelea” because HELL YEAH. Angelea smells her concoction and concludes “Dammit, I like it.” I am fully on Team Angelea at this point, if you’re wondering. Allison, dressed as Annie Hall, announces that her fragrance is called “Honey Blood.” This is the segment that keeps on giving. Ben Bennett’s face gets even pinchier as he repeats the name back to Allison. She says it’s appropriate for her. We flash back to Cycle 12 and Allison admitting that she’s really fascinated by blood. Well, it does keep us alive. Alexandria’s fragrance is Diamondatrix. Oh, that’s my favorite Japanese metal band! Alexandria takes FOREVER to put her fragrance together. There’s a ticking clock sound effect and everything.

Nigel tells them what their challenge will consist of. You ready for this, Liz? The girls will each have a station, and each station will have a bathtub. The tub will have various bath materials infused with the fragrance, and the girls will be in the bathtub, selling their fragrance to passers-by. There’s a shot of Allison glancing down at the ground as if she’s thinking “Oh dear God.” I hear you, Allison. I hear you. The “fans” will be scoring the selling, and the top girl will receive immunity. As the girls get ready, Bianca complains that Tyra would never roll around in a tub to sell her fragrance. She’s probably right, but this seems like an odd time to realize that this show is degrading. “When am I going to be taken serious [sic] as a model” she laments. Maybe when you figure out how adverbs work? A cheap shot, but hey, it’s Bianca. Lisa gets into it with Bianca, pointing out that you have to do your time, and if they weren’t here, someone else would be. True, and also depressing!

The girls are treated to a red carpet with fans demanding their autographs. It’s weird. Cycle 3 winner and actual Top Model success story Eva Pigford is there to interview the girls. Remember how Eva supposedly dated Queen Latifah? Eva talks to Laura, and Laura says her fragrance is supposed to seem like a natural scent. This seems as good a time as any to say that I had a dream this week in which I read an internet spoiler that Laura wins this cycle. You heard it here first! Sure, you may scoff, but you know who else people scoffed at? Cassandra.

What I’m saying is that I have literally been cursed by the gods.

The girls get in their tubs. Some of them lounge, while others, like Laura just awkwardly stand in them. Lisa shrieks at a group around her tub, getting them all to scream “Woooo!” Nigel is, as always, both repelled by and attracted to Lisa’s crazy antics. Lisa’s a total ham. One tub over, Bianca stands by herself, refusing to get into the water. Some fans chat with her, and one says “Why aren’t you in the water? Nigel’s going to make you get in there.” What business is it of yours, fan? Nigel does come over, but he only just splashes Bianca a little. LETDOWN.

I’m at 1,000 words and we’re only 20 minutes into this thing! I declare this episode a success. Time to announce the fragrance winner. But first, Nigel announces that the winner of the cycle will be the face of a new Top Model fragrance developed by Ben Bennett at Pinch-Face Industries. But tonight’s winner is… Lisa! Winner of the Top Ham award, surely. Lisa is safe from elimination. On her own behavior at the challenge, Bianca says she wouldn’t change anything but her shoes.

Photo shoot time! And it’s a night shoot on Hollywood Boulevard. The girls will be driving around Hollywood on the back of a motorcycle, and Mr. Jay wants energy, energy, energy! Jay says the girls should use awful reality stars as their inspiration, specifically Snooki or Nene Something. I don’t know this Nene person, and I’m not going to Google her. I’m sure Nene Googles her own name enough for everybody. The motorcycle is on a flat rig attached to a truck, so there’s precious little chance that one of the girls will be involved in a horrible accident. Sorry to dash your hopes, Liz.

Laura, in a super flattering wig, does very well. Kayla struggles, as she’s easily distracted by all the hooting and hollering the well-lit rig receives as it trundles around Hollywood. Lisa get Nene as inspiration, and doesn’t know who she is, either. Bianca actually helps out, explaining Nene’s personality (apparently Nene would never be caught dead on the back of a motorcycle). But then Bianca remembers that she’s awful and refuses to divulge further details. Since this episode apparently consists of every stop on the Ham Train, Lisa does very well yet again.

Let me just take a second to tell you that the dude they got to play the motorcyclist is having none of this shit. He totally no-sells everything the girls do as they writhe around behind him. The only thing that gets a reaction is when Dominique steals his headband and he mutters “I’m gonna throw you off.” Bring this guy back for every photo shoot, I say.

And now, PICKLEGATE. Bianca, knowing that Snookie loves pickles, requested a jar of pickles as a prop for her photoshoot. Shannon asks if she could use one, and Bianca refuses, saying if Shannon wanted them, she should have requested them. We then get a shot of Bianca prying the jar out of Allison’s hands, saying (in a nice way), “Sorry, Alley Cat, but I have to be a bitch to you, too.” First of all, HOLY SHIT ALLISON’S NICKNAME IN THE HOUSE IS ALLEY CAT THAT IS CUTE AS HELL. And secondly, we cut to an Allison interview where Allison, laughing hysterically, says “Bianca, what the fuck? I’m mostly just hungry.” Allison, man. The best.

Jay is skeptical about the pickles, and right off the bat he says that Bianca dangling the pickle out of her mouth is too raunchy. Over on my couch, Laurel says “We’re doing a classy Snookie photo shoot.” Jay and the photographer make Bianca ditch the pickle. In the midst of the shoot, a guy sprints alongside the rig, holding a finger in the air in triumph. “Oh, we got a fan running after you,” says Jay. Yeah, I’m sure that drunk dude was totally a huge Top Model fan. I think this show often confuses “fans” with “people who want to be on television.” Meanwhile, Alexandria and Shannon both stink up the joint. Not a big surprise. This photo shoot does not play to their strengths. Bianca predicts a double elimination.

Back at the house, Bianca is STILL going on about the bathtub. “Kanye West. The most candid, outspoken person, but you’ll never see him in a bathtub.” Yeah, but you’ll never catch Bianca writing a lyric like “You ever had sex with a pharaoh? / I put the pussy in a sarcophagus.” I don’t really have a point here. I just wanted to quote that line. Speaking of points, I don’t really see Bianca’s. I think she’s taking her brand word of “candid” and figuring that bitching about everything makes her the living embodiment of what the judges are looking for. I’m guessing that won’t work out for her. Before we head to commercial, Bianca shouts “Courtney Love and Kanye West! All candid, and all candid in different ways. Right or wrong?” Allison offers a timid “That’s right,” which leads Bianca to crow “Damn, I’m good! Ooh, I’m ready for panel!” Bianca just rested her case!

Panel! The girls enter the judging hall only to find Kathy Griffin waiting for them. Griffin does some bit about Tyra getting fired, but then Tyra comes out to confront her… look, this recap is long enough as it is. Kathy Griffin is your guest judge. Tyra blows it for me by pointing out that Nene is one of the Real Housewives of Atlanta. Damn, so close! No real surprises in the photo assessments, but then we get to Bianca.

And now, BATHTUBGATE. Nigel asks what was up with Bianca and the tub. She said she didn’t think it seemed authentic. She doesn’t want to be just a reality star, she wants to be taken seriously as a model. Tyra basically asks her “Then why come back here?” Bianca goes on about integrity, and says that Beyonce or Rhianna would never be caught dead in a bathtub. Yes, when I think of two celebrities that have never been on camera in a state of undress, I think of Beyonce and Rhianna. Nigel looks at the other judges like “Can you believe this shit?” Tyra layeth the smacketh down. “You’re not Beyonce, Bianca. You’re somebody trying to get somewhere. If I was you and that was the assignment, I would do it. I would do it and try and win.” Bianca pouts.

And now, a miniature play.

TYRA: And when we come back we’ll see who we don’t want to have in our motorcycle club anymore.
LAUREL: “America’s Next Top Old Lady.”
(pause)
LAUREL: That would be a great show!
JEFF: I would watch that show.

Elimination! Tyra confirms right off the bat that this will be a double elimination. Lisa is first called. I think this gif best represents Lisa’s success this episode.

Where the ham is this week’s challenges and Lisa is Ponyo. Liz, do you need me to tell you what happens in Ponyo? Fantastic shit, that’s what happens in Ponyo.

The bottom three are Kayla, Bianca, and Shannon. No surprises here. And the one who’s safe is… Shannon. Okay, sure. Kayla struggled for camera time and Bianca is awful, so I have no complaints. Kayla seems fine with getting kicked off. She seems to be in a good place overall, so that’s nice for her. Tyra tells Bianca that it’s “super duper duper” important to be humble and remember where you came from. Bianca’s exit interview is disappointingly non-crazy, but that’s okay because this episode was GREAT.

Next time! The girls star in their own music video! Game guest stars! And Allison can’t sing!

Love,
Jeff