Liz! It’s a good thing I took a nap before watching because this episode was another snoozer!

We open with Bianca, complaining. In other words, we open with Bianca. Lisa’s having none of it, noting “You bully everyone and you think that you’re the victim right now?” +15 perception points for Lisa! Bianca gives another stank interview about how she’s a volcano and ENOUGH WITH BIANCA ALREADY. This has been this week’s edition of “Bianca is the fucking worst.”

Bre interviews that while she’s always got Bianca’s back, she still has to be her own person. We get flashback footage from last week of Bre shielding Bianca from the other girls saying “Everybody’s good! Everybody’s good!” You might wonder why Bre would back up and obvious bitch like Bianca, but never forget that Bre is half-crazy. She’s just a lot better at covering it up than Bianca.

Challenge time! The girls head to the beach to participate in a charity flag football game. Nigel is there with two model/socialites who have some sort of cause or something. I haven’t heard of either of them, and I can’t pretend they were interesting enough for me to learn. The girls are divided into teams. To pad out the numbers, Nigel brings in all the eliminated models. Some hugs are exchanged, and then we see or hear nothing from those girls for the rest of the episode. Seriously, halfway through the game I forgot the eliminated girls were even there.

Red team is Lisa, Shannon, Kayla, and Alexandria. Which eliminated girls were on the red team, you may ask? I have no idea, because the show didn’t tell me. You have to wonder why they even bothered. Blue team is Bre, Allison, Angelea, Laura, and Bianca. The girls suit up, and by “suit up” I mean “put on their regulation half-tees and bikini bottoms” because Top Model is nothing if not safety conscious. As he sees the girls, Nigel coos lasciviously, “Now we’re looking like football players!” Yeesh. YEESH.

Apparently we need YET MORE people involved in this game, and lo and behold, out come some embarrassed NFL players! Angelea’s bikini bottom magically drops to her ankles. Okay, not really, but she does pretend to faint. Methinks Angelea is a bit starved for male attention. The guys rattle off who they are and which charities they’re playing for. The wrinkle for the models is that whenever a special flag is thrown, they have to strike a pose for a cameraman on the sidelines. Oh, this is just too much. The girl with the best photo will get a campaign on Tyra’s website and some jewelry.

Football! Lots of running around and tackling, which results in a lot of bikini wedgies. Lots and lots of blurred butts. This is why the NFL doesn’t play in bikini bottoms, Liz! There’s a break for some photos, but let’s get back to the hitting! Lisa makes an impressive run and scores the first touchdown. Not bad! Running in sand is tough, Liz, I think you’ll agree. The blue team makes the board so it’s 7 – 7. One of the NFL scores another touchdown for the blue team, and they’re the winners. Nigel hands out two extra-large novelty checks to the two NFL players. I bet all these dudes got so much shit when they returned to their respective locker rooms.

Time to judge the best photo. Kayla is the winner! Aw, Kayla! She runs up to claim her jewelry, her blurred ass really playing up the classiness of this whole affair. Her shoot for Tyra’s website also includes a styling from Andre Leon Talley. Kayla arrives for her styling, and Liz… Andre Leon Talley, apparently pranking Tyra, the show, and the entirety of America, is dressed as Raiden from Mortal Kombat. There is no other way to describe his hat/robe situation. He is the thunder god and he is here to throw down. Kayla takes some pictures and then it’s off to Outworld to defend the Earth from the armies of Shao Khan!

Photo shoot time! Liz, the girls are shooting at Voyeur! You might remember Voyeur as the nightclub where those guys from the RNC dropped a fat wad of their organization’s cash. You also might remember Voyeur because you see it every day in your neighborhood. Jay Manuel is there and tells the girls that this photo will be a “good ol’ bitch fight”. Sure, I love the classic bitch fights of the old West. Jay says they will be posing with Coco Rosha, who is apparently a big deal model. I have not heard of her, but don’t hold that against her. The girls will be posing in pairs with Coco, staging a model bar brawl. I like this. It works for me.

Shannon and Bianca are partners, and they pretend they’re cool with each other when THEY TOTALLY AREN’T. The photos seem to go pretty well. Kayla interviews that being partnered with Allison is a hindrance, since Allison and her enormous anime eyes take great shots. When it’s time for pictures, however, Allison sucks. Allison is bad at emotions! The photographer asks her to scream, and she says “Aaah! I don’t know.” Jay is having none of this shit. Kayla thinks she did better than Allison, and she is right to think so.

Laura and Angelea’s photo is staged delightfully. Laura has to continuously fall out of frame onto cushioning, and Angelea has to latch onto Coco’s leg trying to stop her. Angelea is very nervous and lacks energy. She actually breaks down in tears in the middle of the shoot. Jay gives her a pep talk and Angelea mounts a big comeback.

We cut to Alexandria dolled up for the shoot, calling “I’m going to punch high fashion in the face!” Can I just say that Alexandria, so awful in her previous cycle, has actually been perfectly fine this cycle? It might be because she’s gotten so little camera time, but if she was being that awful she’d be on the show a lot more. Stay tuned for more on the exciting redemption story. Alexandria is with Bre, and Bre goes BONKERDOODLES. Every shot she’s screaming “NOOOO!” or “AAAAAAH!” or “CALL THE COPS!” in this obnoxious monotone. Coco turns to the photographer and says “She freaking me out!” Coco interviews that Bre was pretty out there. Coco’s such a class act that she doesn’t use the correct term to describe Bre: “grossly unprofessional.”

Panel time! Lisa appears to be dressed as Max Headroom. When Angelea and Laura come up for judging, Coco totally narcs to the panel about Angelea’s crying jag during the shoot. Yet somehow Coco turns it into a positive, commending the way Angelea came back and dominated. Sure, it’s a nice story, but kind of an up yours to all the girls who managed NOT to burst into tears in the middle of what they supposedly want to have as their job.

Judging! I’ll just take this moment to say that Tyra spends a great deal of time kissing Coco’s ass. Also, there’s no clear bottom two from my perspective. No one sucked that bad! Wait, I guess Bre acted crazy. So maybe Bre.

This week’s best photo is Dominique! Congrats, dudeface. Your bottom two are Bre and Alexandria. Bre is here because her craziness did not result in a good photo. Alexandria has just had average photos the whole cycle. So who goes home? Bre! Huh, that’s surprising. Bre immediately hugs Alexanadria, thanks the panel, and gets the hell out of Dodge. No encouraging words from Tyra for Bre! Tyra no-sells it and just tell Alexandria to step up. But now that Bre’s gone, who will protect Bianca from group beat-downs?

Next time! The girls design their own fragrance! The girls take photos from flatbeds driving around Hollywood Boulevard! And Kathy Griffin says “bitches”!

Love,
Jeff