Category Archives: All the Spoilers
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Night of the Living Dead” (1968)
Dear Frank,
Happy almost-Halloween! The perfect time for a foray into that most classic of horror films, the 1968 “Night of the Living Dead.” I am usually a giant fraidycat during horror movies, but, fingers crossed, George A. Romero’s first foray into the zombie genre won’t have the truly scary stuff figured out yet.
Down to business. Serious scary black and white business. We start off with two young people who look like Brad and Janet from Rocky Horror. (Okay, they’re brother and sister, but that doesn’t matter much when it comes to “Rocky Horror” comparisons.)
Anyhoo, because they are young people and it’s the 60s, they’re whining a lot about parental obligations — specifically, having to come out and put a wreath on their dead father’s grave. When Janet admits to being a little creeped out by the cemetery Brad’s a dick and totally taunts Janet– okay, her name is Barbara. I know this now, because Brad has THE CREEPIEST LINE EVER. Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Left Behind”
Dear Frank,
The bullets I take for you keep getting bigger and bigger, but I don’t know how I’m going to top the first book in the Left Behind series, because this insanely popular global phenomenon (16 books! 25 bajillion copies sold! at least sixty souls saved!) is just… Just… Oh, I lack the words at this moment.
But let’s make something clear up top — I’m not anti-religion in the slightest. What I am is anti-bigotry, anti-ignorance, anti-hatred and anti-judgment (except when it comes to shitty media). This keeps me at odds with most contemporary Christian denominations, especially ones that seem to really enjoy reading a poorly-written Tom Clancy-esque rendition of the Rapture unfolding on Earth. Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Showgirls”
Dear Frank,
So, I know that you have, technically, seen Showgirls — once, many many years ago. But here’s the thing, Frank — to only watch Showgirls once is to not be fully aware of just how transcendent a piece of entertainment it is; understanding Showgirls requires constant vigilance and study.
Of course, I say this as someone who watched Paul Verhoeven’s boob-straganza at least six times since its release on Laserdisc, two of which happened in the process of writing the paper “Bitchy or Just Misunderstood? All About Eve, Showgirls, and Female Melodrama” while studying film at USC. (TRUE STORY. I got an A-minus instead of an A because I spent too much time making fun of Showgirls. Looking back over the last ten years, I have clearly not learned my lesson.) Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “The A-Team” Pilot
Dear Frank,
How weird is it that last week, two days after you said to me, “Liz, what happens in the 1983 pilot for the A-Team?” the show’s co-creator Stephen J. Cannell dies? The answer is that it is seriously weird, and makes me suspect you have secret psychic powers.
In tribute to the work of Mr. Cannell, we shall not mention once this summer’s feature adaptation of the series and instead focus on what matters: Bad-ass 80s-style action and adventure conveniently available on Hulu. Plus an important message: Smoking is cool! Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Tron”
Dear Frank,
Sometimes, the holes in your pop culture knowledge seem understandable — the world is vast and wide, and Dirty Dancing isn’t every young man’s cup of tea. But you haven’t seen Tron? Completely bizarre. I mean, sure, it’s been a decade or so since I saw it, maybe two decades… Okay, maybe I don’t really remember it at all. So I’m glad that you’re kicking my ass into watching it again, especially since Tron Legacy is looking pretty disco. (I am attempting to return, as we speak, to a time where the word “disco” meant “cool.”)
So first off, the first shot of Tron? I guess the Wachowskis didn’t just rip off your favorite French philosophers when they made The Matrix — we zoom through the title into code and hardware renderings, which then dissolve to good ol’ Flynn’s Arcade, your friendly neighborhood 1980s-era video game haberdashery. There, an unseen player is rocking a lightcycle video game — which we then zoom inside!
Because here’s where the Disney magic starts, Frank! See, everyone in this movie wearing nifty glowy costumes isn’t a person, but an anthropomorphized software program living under the totalitarian rule of the Master Control program, which either absorbs smaller programs to make itself bigger or forces less useful programs to compete in games. (This is totally not at all a metaphor for the Soviet Union.) Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In... 