Dear Frank,

Here’s the short version — this:

And this:

And, in what might be a first, a scene that is TOO HOT FOR LTF (but not too hot for me to link to).

But otherwise, one of America’s hottest stars? Incredibly celibate.

This I discovered after going to see The Bourne Legacy, a film I was looking forward to a great deal, and a film that I will only spoil a little bit for you right now…

He doesn’t kiss Rachel Weisz in it. Which, frankly, is BULLSHIT.

I mean, here’s the deal: He and Weisz are on the run from THE GUMERMINT, and it leads to a lot of super-sexy “on the run” scenes — one of my favorite sexy scenarios, if we’re being honest here. And Weisz and Renner clearly develop a romantic relationship, with a ton of super-meaningful looks and hand-holding and at least one hug… But nope, NO SEXY-TIMES FOR RENNER.

When the movie ended, in fact, I was super-confused — because while I’d definitely been sitting in the theater for over two hours, the movie wasn’t DONE YET. In part because of other plot-related things, but also because WHERE WERE THE SEXY RENNER/WEISZ MAKE-OUTS?

LOOKIT SO CUTE.

For serious, an oversight. And HERE’S THE THING!!!! As my friend Kristina and I walked out of the theater, I pulled up his IMDB listing. While, for the last ten years, the boy has made a business out of looking good shooting guns in movies, he has gotten NONE of the other kind of action in that time.

I mean, maybe Hawkeye and Black Widow got a little something-something going on, but not on screen. The moping of Tom Cruise and Paula Patton takes precedence over any romantic plays Renner might have in Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. He’s the bad guy and/or tragically doomed in S.W.A.T. and The Town; he’s very busy fighting zombies in 28 Weeks Later. And maybe Renner kissed Evangeline Lilly in Hurt Locker, but as Kristina put it: “It doesn’t count if you’re dead inside.”

Granted, there are Renner films I haven’t seen. Maybe he kisses an old-timey prostitute in The Assassination of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford? Or a skateboarding chick in Lords of Dogtown?

No matter what — looking forward, Frank, the future doesn’t look much rosier for Renner’s lips! Maybe that Hawkeye/Black Widow thing will happen IN 2015 (ugh such a long time to wait), but in the meantime what we have to look forward to is Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters next year (and GAWD I hope there’s no making out there), some James Grey and David O. Russell movies that could be a coin-flip, and… That’s it.

Frank, do you or anyone else know if he kisses a girl in Dahmer? Or his Saturday Night Live appearance? The big screen is clearly a wash for him, but as seen above, TV has been a little kinder.

Hi Jeremy! Hi.

I don’t know why I fixated on this, to be honest, except for this: Earlier this year, a play I wrote was produced, and because the play was basically a romantic comedy, it meant that two different sets of actors were kissing on stage, multiple times a night, two times a weekend for six weeks.

And it made me conscious of just how weird it must be for actors, the whole kissing thing. We take for granted watching people fall in love on screen, embracing passionately take after take for a paycheck (well, a paycheck and/or their passion for their art). But no matter how much passion you have for the craft of acting, it undoubtedly becomes confusing, the combination of the physical and the professional.

It’s probably one of the reasons why so many actors end up in so much relationship drama (well, that and the publicity) — you spend three months on location pretending to fall in love with someone, and undoubtedly some part of that can’t help but transfer to the rest of your life. (Though man oh man, that can backfire.)

The point is, I enjoyed the well-developed chemistry between Renner and Weisz, and was disappointed that I’ll have to wait for another Bourne film if I want to see more. Especially as Jeremy Renner, after years of slogging through bit parts, is finally having his moment, emerging as an unexpectedly charismatic leading man. Which is wonderful to see — but now it’s time to see if he’s up for a little lip-locking. GO FOR IT, RENNER! An eager nation awaits.

Love,
Liz