Dear Frank,

So my history with romance novels is long, complicated and surprisingly personal — but it began at summer camp. The year I was 12 or 13, one of the girls in my cabin at camp received a care package from a friend containing a half-dozen paperback romances, and they were passed around during hushed nights outside or in, the books falling open easily to the naughtiest bits.

It was exciting and fun — I found sex on the page to be far less scary than the prospect of real sex with a human being — and even when I stopped reading them, I never lost a residual fondness for the genre.

Since those smoky camp days, the romance novel industry has undergone some major shifts, but none so big as the advent of self-publishing, which has allowed writers with followings to make more money from their books than they might with a traditional publisher — it’s such a huge shift in the business that it’s led me to explore self-publishing myself (I make significantly less from sales than most romance novelists, alas).

But one of the things self-publishing rewards is specification — which is why, when I heard about author Virginia Wade, who makes $30,000 a month from her self-published Bigfoot erotica on Amazon, I wasn’t terribly shocked. Amused, sure, but not shocked. Especially when I saw that she employs one of the self-published ebook author’s most common strategies — make the first taste free, have them coming back for more.

This strategy also made it possible for me to read Moan for Bigfoot, the story that kicks off Wade’s epic Sasquatch romance series, for absolutely no money. Given that “absolutely no money” was the price I was willing to spend on it, Frank, it worked out really well!

So, how does Bigfoot erotica actually play out? I sat down to find out! Bigfoot erotica! WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG.

Moan for Bigfoot has a beginning right out of a horror film — a bunch of young hot teenagers head out into the woods for a camping trip. (Future similarities to a horror film may yet occur, including the fact that I’m actually reading this thing.)

We’re trapped in the first person POV of a girl named (sigh) Porsche, who thinks more about her breasts in the first few pages than I’ve thought about my breasts in the last few weeks. Granted, my breasts aren’t perfect examples of “lady lumps” (real term she uses to refer to her breasts DAMN YOU TO HELL FERGIE DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL). Then again, there’s more to my personality than having a smokin’ hot teenage bod. Porsche, tragically, is not so lucky.

Oh, except Porsche does have one character trait! She’s super-horny! While initially she plans on banging this cute guy Chris who’s her age, he’s kind of giving her the cold shoulder. Fortunately, Chris’s step-dad Mr. Vandekamp is a MAN, and Porsche quickly figures out that he’s into her, so their first night he ends up fingerbanging her under a blanket by the campfire, and then later she goes to his cabin and they hardcore bone. (Hardcore being used in the traditional “full penetration” sense of the term.)

That’s right, Frank! A sex scene wherein none of the participants are Bigfoot! And we’re almost a quarter of the way through this story! Weirdness. This scene, to be frank, isn’t dramatically worse than anything I read back in my camp days, though a bit rougher than your average romance novel fare (hence the dividing line between erotica and romance, I suppose). It does also, unfortunately, contain the line of dialogue “Take Daddy’s cock, you nasty girl.” I apologize now for telling you about that.

The next day, Mr. Vandekamp (seriously, she calls him that once or twice during the previous night’s boning) is all “we made a mistake” and Porsche is not too happy about that, because she has now gotten a taste of what it’s like to be fucked by a REAL MAN, as opposed to a boy…

…I will take this opportunity now to say that, while I of course remain pure as the new snow until my wedding day, to the best of my knowledge a “real man” would not necessarily have sex with an underage girl, and would also not refer to himself as “Daddy” during said sexual encounter, and wouldn’t in general treat his partner like a vagina with legs attached. I mean, to each his own, I’m just trying to stick up for the men of the world right now. YAY REAL MEN.

The role of a REAL MAN will be played by Hugh Jackman today DON’T EVEN SAY IT YOU GUYS JUST DON’T EVEN BRING THOSE RUMORS UP.

Anyhoo, pretty much right after all this, Porsche and her two friends Leslie and Shelly get hit on the head and wake up in a Bigfoot cave, locked in a cage. If it seems like I’m glossing over that, Frank, it’s because SO DOES MOAN FOR BIGFOOT.

Seriously, Moan for Bigfoot is like, FUCK YOU, DRAMATIC TENSION, it’s time for Bigfoot now! Though, to be fair, we are now 35 percent of the way through this story, and we were promised Bigfoot erotica at some point, so really I guess this is just Virginia Wade giving us what we want.

I should clarify that there’s someone else in the Bigfoot cave, aside from Porsche and her two friends and Bigfoot. And that would be Bigfoot’s mother! She is an old lady who tells the girls that they are there to “entertain” her son. Bigfoot’s name is Leonard, by the way. Frank, I know you’d want to know that.

Also, Frank, I’m sure you want to know what Bigfoot’s penis looks like:

From within the tufts of matted hair, the creature released a huge pale cock that defied logic. It was riddled with intersecting veins and bulging on the end like a tennis ball.

EROTICA.

Bigfoot — or Leonard, I guess — then proceeds to rape Shelly, with some help from Mom — she lubes them both up after tying Shelly down, and during said raping holds a vibrator to Shelly’s…

You know what, Frank? I’m not sure you really want to know every explicit detail of what happens to these girls. Let’s stick to broad strokes (“broad strokes” whoops that slipped out) (oh crap “slipped out”). I will say, though, that Mom’s decision to, ahem, help the girls along during their encounters with Bigfoot is weirdly generous, given THE WHOLE RAPE THING.

Leslie is up next, and receives basically the same treatment as Shelly. Then everyone takes a break for dinner, and it’s supposed to be Porsche’s turn to be bound, gagged and taken — but Bigfoot has other plans! (I was going to call him Leonard, but C’MON it’s Bigfoot.)

Instead of just raping Porsche, Bigfoot takes her back to his place — another cabin! That’s nice of him. Even more nice of him: Instead of raping her, he follows in the proud tradition of House of Cards and “navigates the Panama Canal” so well she’s giving serious thought to consensual sex with him.

They don’t get to that right away, though — first, he asks her to, um, “powerwash the Washington Monument,” which she does. Then they curl up together in front of the fire:

I was snuggled in his fur, his heart beating against me. It was surprisingly comfortable being this close to a man-like animal.

Upon awakening, Porsche and Bigfoot make the beast with two backs (I had to use that one at least once, right?). Despite the whole giant-tennis-ball-cock thing, the experience is actually not too uncomfortable for Porsche! Way to go, Bigfoot’s dick!

The next morning, Mom makes Porsche go back into the cage with the other girls, but they quickly come up with a plan — manipulate Bigfoot with their sexuality into tying up Mom, fuck Bigfoot some more, and then once he’s asleep, reclaim their freedom. Literally, Shelly says “We could manipulate him with sex and then escape.”

I guess it’s true what they say — the simplest plans work the best. It literally takes just a few minutes of Washington-Monument-powerwashing for Bigfoot to be convinced to tie up Mom, and then all three girls and Bigfoot go up to the cabin to romp. Bigfoot even gives them booze! What a nice Bigfoot.

The three-girls-one-Bigfoot sexual encounter proceeds as planned, with Porsche actively excited about getting another turn at Bigfoot’s dick. Shelly also finds herself enjoying her time astride him, and Leslie even allows him access to her Panama Canal. As Porsche observes at one point:

This big, burly hunk of prehistoric creation was nothing more than a horny man with an enormous cock.

It’s a good time for all involved, including Bigfoot, who eventually does… I don’t have a good metaphor or simile for this, but you know what I’m talking about… all over the girls, and fall asleep.

Immediately, the girls flee into the woods in search of the rest of their party… but Mom and Bigfoot have caught up with them! And Bigfoot brought some Bigfoot friends, who claim Shelly and Leslie, leaving Porsche with Bigfoot, swept up in his arms and back into the woods…

And there Moan for Bigfoot ends! Well, the first part, anyway. There are like fifteen parts to this story, Frank, and from the accompanying author’s notes it seems like they are ACTION-PACKED. There are Bigfoot clan rivalries! More lady abductions! “A natural disaster will kill a Sasquatch!” All very dramatic.

The writing isn’t great, Frank, but Moan for Bigfoot isn’t the worst thing I’ve ever read. It’s not even the worse thing I’ve ever read and told you about. (That honor still belongs to Left Behind. The fact that I’d rather read Bigfoot erotica than Rapture porn should probably be the core of my online dating profile.)

I kind of wish there was more characterization, and some of the dialogue isn’t great, and I probably didn’t need that much detail about how coarse Bigfoot’s tongue is. And I doubt I’d have read this more than once, were it being passed around the campfire at Girl Scout Camp. But hey, Virginia Wade has found her niche in the world. She is making a great many people happy.

And how many of us, in this life, will ever be so lucky?

Love,
Liz