Category Archives: All the Spoilers
What You Need to Know About “Tron” To See “Tron Legacy” (Because the Original “Tron” Kinda Sucks)
When I told my friend Frank about the 1982 cult classic Tron, it took me over 1200 words to explain the story. 1200 words is a lot of words! Some might argue that is too many words!
But many people, I know, are currently sharing Frank’s predicament of wanting to know what happened in the original Tron, with the oh-so-shiny sequel coming out soon. Yes, sure, they could go watch the movie themselves, but a) it’s out of print, unavailable online and not airing on TV anytime soon. It is almost — GASP! — like Disney doesn’t want to you to see it! (Because it kinda sucks.)
So, for people who just want to know the bare minimum of plot necessary to enjoy Disney’s gorgeous-looking, Daft Punk-scored, 3-D IMAX extravaganza, here is a condensed version of What Happens In Tron! Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In the 1987 “G.I. Joe” Movie
Dear Frank,
About two years ago, just as casting was heating up for Stephen Sommers’ take on the 1980s boyhood favorite G.I. Joe, I had the sudden realization that I knew absolutely nothing about it. I mean, I got that they were some sort of military group and they fought against a non-geographically-specific enemy called Cobra, but um, WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT NO ONE’S NAME IS JOE? (I had other questions, but that was a big one.)
This gap in my pop culture knowledge has always disturbed me, especially since, when I tried to watch the Sommers movie, I was too embarrassed for everyone involved to last more than fifteen minutes. So when faithful reader Sarah asked if you needed to be told about the original G.I. Joe movie, dating from 1987, I leapt at the chance to improve the education of both of us. Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Flowers in the Attic”
Dear Frank,
So I can understand why you wanted me to tell you about V.C. Andrews’ Flowers in the Attic, because you probably have the same memories I do of seeing other girls read that book in elementary school and talk about how it was sooooo sexy but they wouldn’t tell you what it was about when you asked them at lunch because they were stupid bitches who can suck it. I mean, I’m assuming that’s what it was like for you. But now, having read the damn thing, I wish I could travel back in time and tell little Liz that she really wasn’t missing out on anything. Because, ugh. Ugh, this book. Ugh. Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In the “Family Ties” episode “A, My Name Is Alex”
Dear Frank,
Let’s establish something right up front — I never watched Family Ties as a kid and have no real knowledge of the show aside from the bare-bones premise (hippie parents have an ultra-conservative son!). But it’s a family sitcom from the 1980s; I feel comfortable about my ability to wade through it. And you’ve mentioned a couple of times that you wanted to know what happened in this one fifth season episode, which has always struck me as strange, so here we go!
“My Name is Alex” is a two-parter (that you can watch on YouTube), and starts off with a pretty funny scene between this kid Andy and his babysitter, who’s explaining that Michael J. Fox (it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to think of him otherwise) and his parents are at a funeral for MJF’s friend Greg, which leads to her having to explain death to a toddler. (It’s funnier than it sounds, Frank, I promise.)
Then the rest of the family gets home, and start talking about the funeral (this is all pretty en media res — nice stuff). MJF is dealing with the fact that he should have been in the car that killed Greg by going totally upbeat and manic; it’s actually kind of an incredible performance, because you can tell how close he is to breaking apart and aren’t I supposed to be watching a sitcom from the 1980s? Jesus. Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Ladyhawke”
Dear Frank,
TWIST! Change in plan. While I have seen Wall Street, your most recent request, and taken a great deal of notes on its specialness, I am also dealing with a crazy week at work, thus necessitating the use of a pre-written post on another of your requests. Oh, and this movie, man. This movie will fill the 1980s hole in your heart.
I mean, you never saw Ladyhawke as a kid? Really? I mean, sure, your mom wasn’t my mom, which means that your mom didn’t have a weird crush on Rutger Hauer and thus sat you down to watch this movie at least two or three times before you were 12 years old. But I’m still glad that I have a chance to fill in this grave oversight in your education. Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In... 