Category Archives: All the Spoilers
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “John Carter”
Dear Frank,
About a year or so ago, you may recall, I told you about the John Carter of Mars trailer, because (like many things I tell you about here) I thought it was pretty stupid. But for some reason I was cautiously optimistic about the film itself, based entirely on the fact that writer/director Andrew Stanton had made some pretty good movies already, and he seemed likely to keep a good thing going — especially because he was such a passionate fanboy about the source material.
Then, of course, the movie actually came out, and the reaction was literally mixed — to the point where I couldn’t really get excited. It has taken me WEEKS, Frank, to get through this movie and figure out what the hell it was about, and I wish I could tell you why that was the case. It just boggled me, you know? Boggled.
First realization, as I sit down to watch: It feels like it’s been a long long time since I’ve seen a movie with only one company in the pre-title sequence. Like, everything has like at least two production companies behind it these days — five, if you’re from Europe. But Disney’s the only company behind this movie. Which explains why they took such a bath on it. Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “She’s All That”
Dear Frank,
I don’t think my prom had a prom queen. Or, if it did, no one gave a shit. Personally, I went stag — well, technically, I went with another girl, because they didn’t sell tickets to prom, they sold two-person “bids” or something, and both me and my friend Evelyn didn’t have dates, but did want to go, so we split a bid and shared a San Antonio limousine service with a big group of friends and it was a pretty fun time.
[And by the way, points to my NorCal high school for never even raising an eyebrow over the fact that me and Evelyn split a bid, several years before that sort of thing mighta been a major news story. Though, to be fair, we never pressed the point by slow-dancing (and/or being in a committed relationship).]
So I enjoyed my prom, to a certain extent, but the lead-up to it didn’t consume my existence or that of my peers. (By “peers,” I mean the honors students, school paper editors and drama nerds who made up my core group of friends in high school — perhaps there were girls/boys who were deeply committed on that score, but for reasons that should be very obvious, they were not a part of my social circle.)
What this means is that the film She’s All That, the plot of which is entirely focused on which lucky 18+-to-play-younger lady will win the oh-so-important crown, is as alien to me as, well, aliens. Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Starlight Express”
Dear Frank,
It is time, my friend, to tell you the tale of the first musical I ever loved. A little ditty, penned by maestro of cheesy musicals Andrew Lloyd Webber, entitled Starlight Express.
If I recall correctly, my exposure to Starlight Express began with its end. When you were a kid, Frank, did you have to sing songs in recitals? We did, with our teachers drawing from an eclectic mix of pop music and musicals. I do not know what it was like to be a grown adult, listening to a bunch of eleven-year-olds singing Bryan Adams’ “Everything I Do, I Do It For You,” but I’m sure it was pretty memorable.
Anyways, when my third-grade class sang Starlight‘s big finale number, “A Light At the End of the Tunnel,” I liked the song enough to ask my parents for the original cast recording.
Because I am an old person, the soundtrack came on cassette tape. Two cassette tapes, and it, along with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles soundtrack, were often to be heard blasting from my clock stereo’s speakers for the next several years. (In case it wasn’t clear, Frank, I have AWESOME taste in music.)
The funny thing is, despite not having had a tape player for the last decade or so, I still remember large chunks of Starlight‘s lyrics, which I have been singing in the shower for the last twenty-odd years. Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In the “Roseanne” Series Finale
Dear Frank,
Did you read that piece Roseanne wrote for New York Magazine last year? If you didn’t, you should — it was really great! I mean, she has a very strong point of view on what kind of women are “good” for feminism and what kind aren’t, and the part where she takes credit for discovering Joss Whedon is probably interesting news to Joss Whedon.
But the part where she threatened a producer with a pair of scissors is a great deal of fun, and in general the account of how she seized control of the TV show with her name on it is inspiring. In a “boy, it’s probably for the best that you’ve moved onto growing macadamia nuts and running for President” kind of way. (Bitch be CRAZY, yo.)
One thing she writes about is the day when Roseanne, in its seventh season, dropped out of the Nielsen Top 10 rated shows and she could no longer get a table at the Palm. I bring this up because that’s probably about the point I stopped watching the show, for reasons I cannot recall. Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Speed Racer”
Dear Frank,
I’m still not sure yet what I think of the latest film co-directed by the Wachowskis, Cloud Atlas. I’ve seen it twice (once at a test screening months ago, once again this last weekend), and parts of it are really fucking cool, and parts of it are deeply problematic. There’s no doubt that when it comes to the making of movies, the Wachowskis kill it on a scene-by-scene basis.
But when it comes to a complete whole: Well, there are victories (The Matrix) and then there are less-than-victories (the other Matrix movies). Speed Racer, the Wachowskis’ 2008 big-budget well-cast adaptation of the classic Japanese cartoon, falls into the latter category.
(Stop shouting at me, people who really like this movie! I know you exist. We will address your concerns in a bit.) Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Damages”
Dear Frank,
There are people who watch a lot of TV in this world, and there are people who don’t — I’m clearly one of the former, but my level of engagement varies from show to show. There’s stuff like Doctor Who, around which I miiiiiiight go so far as to structure my social life (shuddup I do a podcast wait I’m not sure that makes it any better). And then there are shows I watch far more casually — yet do consume, do retain somewhere in the great dusty bankrupt Blockbuster Video that is my brain.
Damages is a perfect example of this — a show I have watched regularly since it premiered in 2007, and yet a show that has never had a firm grasp upon my imagination. I mean, I would recommend it to people, but I would recommend it as follows: “Do you like trashy John Grisham legal thrillers? Because if you do, you should watch Damages.”
But while Damages never pushed itself beyond the trashy legal thriller genre, the FX series (that later found new life on DirecTV) brought a new level of class to the trashy legal thriller genre, thanks entirely to its outstanding casting. Seriously, Frank, here are some actors who have appeared on Damages: Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In... 