Blog Archives

Nick Tells Liz What Happened On “Survivor: Caramoan”

Dear Frank,

Another guest post! We are truly blessed. Loyal reader Nick really wanted to tell me about “Survivor,” and I cannot deny anyone the opportunity to tell me about stuff. It is, after all, one of life’s most unique pleasures.


Dear Liz (and I guess Frank, too),

SURVIVOR: CARAMOAN -- FANS VS. FAVORITESAlthough some may believe that reality TV is worse than getting an STD or having jury duty, I still feel compelled to write in about the latest season of Survivor: Caramoan — Fans vs. Favorites. Because quite frankly, it was a treat!

If you don’t already know, Survivor is a show where 16-20 Americans are put on an island to compete for a $1 million prize. They participate in rewards challenges, where they get food or luxuries that make their camp life easier — fishing gear, tarps, blankets, etc. Then, there’s an immunity challenge. The winning team is immune for the week and the losers go to Tribal Council where they have to vote off one of their own. Our gracious host, Jeff Probst, then grills them about how much they hate each other. If we’re really lucky that week, there’s tons o’ tears and drama and it’s beyond great. Read the rest of this entry

Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Dance Moms”

Dear Frank,

Today, by reader request, I shall tell you about something that I bet you wish you had never even heard of. There is this show on Lifetime, a show I’d always thought of as The Moms Who Scream At Each Other Right After “Project Runway”. But this show is actually called Dance Moms. And Frank, WHAT THE FUCK.

Going into this, I assumed that Dance Moms is like Millionaire Matchmaker but even more awful, because there are human children involved. FRANK, I AM A FUCKING PSYCHIC. I watched the first two episodes of this current season, which is about all I could manage without going on a murder spree. At least with Matchmaker, you know that everyone involved is a legal adult, which is not the case with Dance Moms. And as a result YIKES.

Dance Moms “documents” a dance team of young girls, taught and led by this crazy lady named Abby Lee, who spends a lot of time screaming at the girls and their mothers and, I don’t know, God? God is suspiciously quiet in response, but the moms occasionally shout back. And then there’s a road trip to some competition, and then the girls dance, and then there’s some more shouting. If you’re saying to yourself “This sounds like Sparkle Motion without any of the dark comedy or Mary McDonnell,” you would be completely correct! (Who knew Donnie Darko was a documentary?) Read the rest of this entry

Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Millionaire Matchmaker”

Dear Frank,

I’ll just say this — sometimes, I tackle subjects for this blog because other people make me. And sometimes, I do it to myself.

Over the past few months, some ill-advised bouts of channel surfing have created within me a hate/fascination for the Bravo reality series Millionaire Matchmaker. Frank, this show is the WORST show I have ever watched multiple episodes of. It is about horrible human beings and the horrible things they will do and say just to be on television. I have seen at least six episodes and could easily watch six more.

The queen of these horrible people is a woman named Patti Stanger, who claims to be a third generation match-maker “with a 99 percent success rate.” (If I were to base that success rate on the episodes I’ve seen, I would put it at maybe 25 percent? If I’m being generous. If I’m being VERY GENEROUS.) She also looks just a bit like what would happen if Snooki ditched the Bump It and aged 30 years. Read the rest of this entry

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