Liz, I could be watching My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic right now. Now THOSE are some girls who are here to make friends.

And we’re off to the races with Lisa opening wine for everyone and talking about how much she drank on her cycle. The editors helpfully show footage of Lisa talking to a plant back in Cycle 5. Oh, to go back to those glory years! Anyway, Lisa says that since then she has been to “celeb rehab”. Wait, really? Huh, I guess so. Anyway, Lisa’s sober now, apparently, so good for her! Seriously.

Everyone gets packages from home, but Camille’s package is full of bills. Camille interviews that she’s 33 years old, modeling doesn’t pay like it used to, and she has responsibilities. Jesus, this episode is GRIM. What’s next?!

What’s next is that Kayla starts hyperventilating and vomiting everywhere after taking a bunch of prescription medication. JESUS! WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS TOP MODEL HOUSE?! It’s a legit emergency as cameras are dropped, producers rush in, and Kayla is whisked to the hospital.

Credits!

Kayla returns from the hospital at 2 AM. It appears that Laura went with her, since Laura is just that sweet. Turns out Kayla had a cardiac arrhythmia due to stress. Of course this means the show is now attempting to kill the girls when they’re just relaxing in the house and not just during challenges.

Speaking of which! The next day the girls go meet Jay, who tells them they’ll be auditioning for a part on CSI. That’s a pretty big deal, honestly. I mean, it’s no NCIS, but it’s not bad. (Speaking of which, Liz, did you know that goth girl from NCIS is America’s favorite televisions star? It’s true! And WEIRD.) Also, remember that cycle where the girls tried out for a role on Veronica Mars? Furonda got to play the role of Steve Guttenberg’s secretary.

The girls are taken to the set where Jay introduces the creator of the show, Anthony Zuiker. Man, what’s he doing here? If anyone in Hollywood has ‘fuck you’ money, it’s got to be this guy, and yet here he is on Top Model. Does Tyra have something on this guy? I’m just going to assume that’s the case.

Zuiker gives the girls 30 minutes to memorize a scene. Kayla takes a look and notes that “half the words are longer than my face.” This should be a good time. And hey, Kayla wasn’t lying, since at least one line has the term “gas chromatograph mass spectrometer”, which just has to be made up, right? Or maybe not. Who am I to disagree with Anthony “fuck you money” Zuiker?

And now, bad acting! The girls are doing a scene with a guy I assume is actually on the show (not being retired, I don’t watch CBS medical dramas), and how he doesn’t crack up at some of the stuff he witnesses is beyond me. Just a parade of anti-talent. Everyone is terrible, even my beloved Allison. As Angelea is up, she interviews, “I got the most talent up in this bitch, let me tell you,” which normally would be a cue for her to eat shit, but Angelea totally kills it! She pronounces all the crazy words right! The ugly ducking has become a beautiful butterfly! Bre also does well. Lisa is last up, and she totally sucks. By the end, Zuiker has clearly had enough of her.

Later, Jay and Zuiker tell the girls that Bre and Angelea were the best. So who wins? Bre! Zuiker notes that Bre has “class”, which is producer for “I do not want that hood bitch Angelea on my beautiful show.” Although to be fair, Bre is, objectively, really good looking more so than Angelea. Angelea is pissed.

Photo time! It’s a shoot for Express. Each of the girls will be playing one of four roles: the girlfriend, the flirt, the cool chick, and the socialite. Also, the girls will be posing with male models, who come out and introduce themselves. Angelea starts salivating. I’d say all this camera time would be an indicator that Angelea is going home, but we know how that worked out for me last time, so now I’ll just assume that the producers just love her.

Angelea is the socialite, and she says her story was a girl who was humble but then “moved to New York and became a real rich bitch.” Hey, even I’m starting to love Angelea. She’s tempered the craziness she displayed in her previous cycle, but she’s still a character. This is a pretty snoozy episode, and some of these girls could use more of her spark. Angelea kills the photo shoot.

Pictures, pictures, pictures. Bianca has a stank attitude, and tells Jay she’s the only real model in this whole competition. Jay responds in an interview with “Actually not, because you just missed the model boat ’cause I haven’t seen ‘model’ this whole competition.” Man, what? He immediately follows with “Ooh, that was harsh.” No, Jay, that was nonsense.

Camille doesn’t do well. Lisa does worse. I’m mentioning this because they’re your bottom two and I’m just going to jump to that because I’m having trouble staying awake. At judging, Lisa gives a lot of excuses for her acting and her photo. Ooooh, Lisa, don’t you know that Tyra HATES excuses?

Tyra’s got the photos. Angelea gets called first! Nice. As previously noted, Lisa and Camille are the bottom two. Camille is going home. Not a surprise, since Camille is boring, just like this episode!

Next episode! La Toya Jackson! All the Kardashians! And the girls must leap from a moving carousel!

Love,
Jeff