Liz! I’ve had a few beers!

First, a confession. I have occasionally watched this show with an impure heart. There have been contestants in the past whose presence I enjoyed not so much due to their personalities, but because I thought they were fine as hell. Unfortunately I’m just not into any of these All Star girls. I guess maybe Allison, but that’s more because I just like her personality, and that doesn’t really count. I don’t know if you’ve objectified many women, Liz, but imagining them as real people with inner lives totally ruins it. Now back to the action!

We begin with Allison confessing to Lisa (of all people) about how she feels more nervous this cycle than her last one. She sits in a confessional saying how hard it is for her to make friends. She does this entire confessional in some sort of kitty cat headgear. I love Allison and I will fight anyone who doesn’t.

Kristen Cavallari shows up at the house basically to tell the girls that being an awful person on reality television can be very lucrative. She’s right, of course, but that does not make this segment any less gross. Bianca asks how a reality star can remain famous without simply being on reality show after reality show (as Bianca is currently doing). Kristen says something about maintaining a brand, meaning she is in league with that goblin man from last episode and will be one of the first against the wall when the revolution comes. You heard it here first!

The girls are then whisked away to The Grove, but it’s raining. Ha! Nigel appears on The Grove’s useless streetcar to tell the girls that The Grove is the home of Extra. I did not know that, and that makes me hate The Grove even more, which I did not think was possible. Nigel lays out the challenge: the girls will be interviewed in teams by Mario Lopez, and whichever team embarrasses themselves the least will be safe from elimination this week. Ooh, immunity! A new wrinkle. Lisa and Bianca get to the pick the teams, since they had top photos last week. The team-picking surprisingly and somewhat disappointingly leads to no drama whatsoever. Lisa’s team is Alexandria, Isis, Angelea, Laura, and Dominique. Bianca gets Allison, Shannon, Bre, Kayla, and Camille.

Lisa’s team is put before Le Lopez, and Lisa is the first to be interviewed. Lopez asks if any press is good press, and Lisa says, and I quote “It’s a balancing act, and guess what, I got first place in balance beam WHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!” I should mention that after she says “WHUT”, Lisa turns to her teammates for high-fives, since she clearly just OWNED Mario Lopez in front of a small, waterlogged crowd at The Grove. The other girls field questions, and Angelea demonstrates surprising restraint. Lisa, I should note, high fives everyone after they respond to any question, so I guess it is a motivational tool.

Bianca’s team is up, and Bianca is not a good interview. Lopez asks Allison about why she would be here if modeling is not her top priority in life. Allison talks about how modeling has taught her so much and that it’s given her a better eye for photography and she nails it and I love her. Kayla is asked about freaking out around male models on her cycle, and she says she’s gotten past it, which is nice.

Afterwards, Nigel criticizes Lisa for her interrupting high fives AS WELL HE SHOULD. He also tells Angelea she was boring. There are some other critiques, but I can’t pretend they were interesting. Nigel picks Bianca’s team as the winners! Allison is safe! Plus, Allison wins the challenge overall, so she will be interviewed on Extra! TEAM ALLISON.

Back in the limo, Angelea is PISSED. She felt she conducted herself professionally at the interview (true) and that she shouldn’t be punished for that (also true, at least in a just world where producers were not relying on Angelea to produce some trainwreck television). Angelea refuses to act like a “hood ghetto bitch” (her words, I assure you) and says she knows how to conduct herself because she worked at a bank. “You think I was talking like this at a bank?” Probably not. Angelea says that she will speak up at panel. “You want a hood bitch? Watch!” she proclaims. Meanwhile, two producers high five, or so I assume.

Photo shoot time! The girls head to the studio, only to encounter three dancers on huge stilts. Jay comes out to let us know that yes, the girls will have to be up on stilts, and that they will be photographed in pairs, one from the winning team, one from the losing team. The girls get made up, and I am reminded that I very much miss former make-up guru Sutan, although I know he is doing fine elsewhere. Still, that guy was great. Angelea gets more interview time about being real and being herself, and my elimination sense is a-buzzin’.

Stilt time! The girls do get safety lines and spotters, so no one will faceplant. BOOOOOO! Camille is teamed with Isis, and gives a super classy interview about how it would be embarrassing for the transgender girl to have better pictures than the “actual, real woman.” The Classy Patrol has named Camille their “Classy Diva of the Week”. Meanwhile, Bianca is scared of heights, so when it’s her turn she runs to the bathroom. That’s two bathroom retreats in three weeks, Liz. Not too shabby! Anyway, she gets over it, but her shots are sucky. Angelea’s shots are shitty, too, and my elimination sense is buzzing so hard I can’t see straight. Also, I take back what I said about not being attracted to Allison. Afterwards, Angelea gets MORE interview and camera time, and if she’s not eliminated I will eat this beer bottle.

Judging time! Alexandria and Shannon’s picture gets raves. When Allison and Angelea come up for judging, Angelea asks to hold up. HOOD BITCH TIME! Just kidding, Angelea just asks Nigel what exactly he was looking for at the Extra challenge. Nigel says he just wants Angelea to let her personality shine. Tyra then goes off on a weird tangent about an SNL skit about Top Model and Tyra wants everyone to know she thought it was TOTALLY hilarious and she’s TOTALLY cool with it, but anyone with working senses can see she’s a megalomaniac nutjob, so let’s move on.

But we CAN’T move on, because then Tyra has to differentiate Allison and Angelea’s poses by nothing that Allison is giving a “booty tooch”. If you felt like garbage reading that term, Liz, imagine how bad I felt typing it. Tyra says “tooch” like 7,000 times. Anyway, Allison gave tooch, Angelea is toochless, and she is so going home I can’t even talk about it. During Lisa’s judging, Nigel asks “Do you ever take a picture with your legs together?” which is pervy even by Nigel standards.

And now, elimination. Allison is first called! I typed that before Tyra actually said it, so confident was I in Allison’s victory. When Allison goes up to get her picture, Tyra makes Allison say “tooch”. Allison has the good sense to be embarrassed. Bottom two are Isis and Angelea. Man, what did Isis do? Tyra notes that their photos weren’t the worst (the camera hilariously cuts to Kayla and Camille), but that one must be eliminated. Tyra commends Angelea for speaking up at panel. Isis is going home! WHAT. NOW I HAVE TO EAT GLASS. Well, shit.

Next week: A role on CSI! Kayla throws up! And I will be dead from internal hemorrhaging!