Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In “Top Model All Stars” Ep 2
But first, a correction from last week. In my general enthusiasm for Allison Harvard (even her name is great!), I said that her nickname was “Bloody Eyeball”. Not true! That nickname actually belongs to Short Cycle winner Nicole (who I also adored). Allison did not have a bloody eyeball, she was just fascinated by blood. An easy mistake to make, I’m sure you, and hopefully your audience, will agree. I don’t want to get hated on about this, Liz. Not over this.
Now on to this week’s episode, which was something else. Isis got first picture last week, did I mention that? Well, it’s true. Alexandria interviews that the audience hates her. The girls decide to play dress up (Allison is a kitty cat), but are interrupted by Tyra and a small goblin man with an indeterminate accent. Tyra introduces him as Martin Lindstrom, a “brand strategist genius”. He did some polling about the girls (what?) and is here to present them with a branding word they should use to represent themselves for this episode (and possibly the whole cycle, this was not clear). Liz, at the risk of hyperbole, Martin Lindstrom is a horrible little goblin man and he is everything that’s wrong with America.
Martin tells Lisa that no one trusts her, and her branding word is “daring”. He tells her to break all the rules. Oh good, we’re encouraging the girls’ worst impulses right out of the gate.
People think Sheena is sexy, but dumb. Her word is “unexpected”. Martin asks Kayla what separates her from all the girls. Kayla says “LGBT” and Martin says no, “the stuff about being lesbian” was “hip” five years ago and Kayla should find something else to define her. Kayla interviews that she really has no interest in doing that. And why should she?
NEW OPENING SEQUENCE OUT OF NOWHERE!
I actually think that’s pretty great. Hopefully you noted that Tyra tasted herself and then offered us some.
We’re back, Martin is still gross, and Kayla’s word is “free”. Martin turns to Shannon and says that people think she’s boring and asks if she knows why that is. Shannon says “Probably because on season 1 I said three lines and they were ‘I’m a virgin’, ‘I don’t drink’, and ‘I don’t smoke’.” Holy shit! WARNING: THE SHANNON-BOT HAS BECOME SELF-AWARE.
Some more words are handed out but I don’t want to talk about them unless absolutely necessary. Martin gets to Angelea and says that when people were asked what type of product could they measure Angelea by, they said shoes. But not just any shoes – cheap shoes. Liz, I am going to call Angelea “Cheap Shoes” for the rest of the cycle. Also, what kind of question is “What type of product would you measure this person by?”?! The hell kind of polls did this guy conduct? I think he’s a war criminal. I just get that vibe.
Bre’s branding word is “girlfriend”. I bring it up now because it comes up later.
Alexandra’s feedback is that everyone hates her. Martin actually says “People think you are so annoying. Because you say a lot of things and quite often there’s no value in what you’re saying.” KABOOM! Alexandra interviews that her fans think she is annoying. I don’t think she knows what ‘fans’ means.
Bianca gets “candid” as her word, and interviews that she figures that means she shouldn’t hold back anymore. ANYMORE?! And sure enough, as soon as Martin’s gone, Bianca starts acting out and picking fights over nothing. I might hate her more than Alexandra? No, I definitely do.
And now it’s time for MAKEOVERS! And who should introduce them but special guest Ashlee Simpson? In a hilarious bit of business, only Laura seems to recognize her when she first comes out. Ashlee Simpson is also here to talk about branding, because I guess this show hates me personally.
Makeovers! Sheena is nervous because last time clumps of her hair fell out. Valid! The Jays describe the makeovers, while Ashlee Simpson vapids about. Alexandria gets short hair, and it looks great. It’s so good it nearly cures her bitchface. Cheap Shoes also gets a nice cut. Bre whines about her cut, eventually breaking down and fleeing to the bathroom, where she tells a producer she wants to leave. She eventually relents, noting “The only way that I can really own being a Girlfriend is if I’m a girlfriend to myself.” Sage advice. Sage, sage advice. She says she looks hideous while all the other girls look great. Also, PS, BRE’S HAIR LOOKS SUPER CUTE HOLY COW.
Then the Jays come in and start passing out sickly-looking Pink’s hot dogs. What is even happening? Am I dreaming? Am I dead? Are the girls dead and ARE THEY IN HELL? Oh, apparently the photo shoot will be Pink’s related. The girls will need to create their own Pink’s hot dog, and the winner will be featured on the Pink’s website as the creator of the America’s Next Top Model Dog. The girls might still be in hell, Liz. There’s no way to know for sure.
Cut to the girls assembling their hot dogs and then getting their photo taken. Jay say the the girls must sell themselves, the hot dog, while eating the hot dog, as well as keeping their brand in mind. Laura does well, smearing chili all over herself, then threatening to hug Jay. Jay says he would kill her if she did that. She says “Exactly.” I think Laura has figured out that they’re all dead already. Meanwhile, Bre is STILL bitching about her VERY CUTE HAIR. Kayla struggles, and Laura notes that it’s difficult to make a hot dog “gay and lesbian and free.” Laura’s making a lot of sense, Liz.
Judging! The guest judge is Ashlee Simpson. Nigel’s hair is sticking up and approaching Wolverine levels. The judges really focus on the branding words, making me hate them. Laura’s picture gives Nigel a boner. Isis totally struck a dude pose. Lisa has an open mouth full of food in her picture, but the judges love it, because class is out the window this cycle. Tyra warns Allison not to be too cute. Wouldn’t want that! The judges wonder why Bre is more reserved, and Bre confesses that she can’t give them 19 anymore. She’s a veteran of the Top Model wars, Liz. She’s seen things.
As we head to commercial, Tyra says “We will deliberate and when I call you back I will announce which of you is eliminated… again.” I cackled, I admit it.
The judges deliberate, and at the end Tyra whips out some shears and shaves Nigel’s head. Good call, Tyra! That’s probably the only time I’ll type those words all cycle, Liz, so let’s savor it.
Elimination! Lisa is first called, followed by Bianca. Allison is safe, so I’m happy. Bottom two are Sheena and Kayla. The judges think Sheena’s photos are bad (yup) and that Kayla didn’t represent her brand word enough (gross). Sheena is eliminated. Whew!
Next episode: Mario Lopez hassles Allison! Also, stilts!