Category Archives: Movies
Frank Tells Liz What Happened In “My Neighbor Totoro”
Dear Liz,
First of all, thanks so much for asking me to tell you about something this week. This blog has filled my life with so much warmth and information, and your efforts to shine an edifying light on the underdeveloped corners of my pop culture soul continue to make me a better human being. I know you’re having a busy week, so the least I can do is pick up the baton for once and tell you about a Miyazaki movie.
Liz, like many of us who spent our childhoods in the 1980s, I experienced a deep, early love of cartoons. It started with the animated shorts on Sesame Street and reached its zenith with the arrival of The Muppet Babies, whose imaginative flights of fancy and media mash-ups were the highlight of my Saturday mornings. But like many of us, I gradually realized that most of the other cartoons I was devouring were totally terrible: derivative, violent toy commercials of the crudest hand-drawn sort. (For me, the breaking point was probably the day I recognized the imperialist undertones of The InHumanoids.) In many ways, the 1980s were the nadir of American animation.
Meanwhile in Japan, the 1980s were an animation renaissance, spearheaded by the formation of Studio Ghibli, the company formed by animator-auteurs Hayao Miyazaki and Isao Takahata. I’ve seen a number of Miyazaki movies, but I’ve actually never seen My Neighbor Totoro, so I’m very pleased that we’re sharing it for the first time together. Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Predator”
Dear Frank,
So, okay, you say that you’ve watched Predator, but I’m here to question whether you’ve truly seen it. For one thing, you never talk about it, and having just seen it for the first time a few days ago, I can tell you that I CAN’t stop talking about it. Maybe it’s been a while for you? Or maybe you’ve forgotten how incredible this movie is.
Also, I just checked with your girlfriend and she says you don’t have two penises. Given that this movie’s hypermasculinity caused me to GROW a penis while watching it (it is kind of weird having a penis, for the record!), and it seems unlikely that you were born without one, I can only assume that you have not truly let Predator into your heart.
So lemme tell you what happens in Predator so you truly understand. Some bad-ass Alan Silvestri music takes us into the jungles of… I dunno. Probably South America somewhere. It was the 80s, after all. And you know it’s the 80s, because here’s Ahnuld, ripped and youthful, accompanying his team of commandos off a helicopter and into a base.
Here, he meets Carl Weathers! And let me just get this out of my system now: Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Batman and Robin”
Dear Frank,
So as you know, I’m a very big fan of performance artist Lady Gaga, primarily because in the world of pop music, she’s the rare person unafraid to truly experiment. Like, I know there are plenty of people giving her shit over coming to the Grammys last night ensconced inside a translucent egg, but frankly I kinda loved it. Especially because she also came on stage inside said egg, basically making the red carpet a dramatic lead-up to her onstage performance, which is such a bold and interesting way of approaching the conceit of an awards show! Lady Gaga is so great.
Why am I talking about Lady Gaga, Frank, when (as the subject of this post clearly states) I am here to tell you what happens in the 1997 film Batman and Robin? Here’s the deal. We all know this is a terrible movie (Akiva Goldsman, even Fringe being awesome doesn’t mean I forgive you). But while other cinematic disasters I’ve told you about were failures because of a lack of talent or inspiration, that’s not where Batman and Robin falls apart. Batman and Robin is fucking terrible, but it’s fucking terrible because it was a bold attempt at capturing a certain spirit in film format — specifically, being a live-action comic book.
The primary problem, of course, is that the people involved have this completely childish idea of what comic books are — probably because the last time they read a piece of sequential art, they were actually children — and the entire movie is a fucking mess. But there is a part of me that admires the amount of risk taken here, the flat-out balls of trying something new with what was previously such a profitable franchise. The visual extravagance of this film alone could inspire an entire concert’s worth of Lady Gaga ensembles. In short: This is probably why I am not in charge of a major motion picture studio, but there is a part of me that would rather Hollywood make five flat-out insane Batman and Robins than one generic and blah Transformers.
Thus ends my defense of Batman and Robin. Let’s begin making fun of it, shall we? Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Battlefield Earth”
Dear Frank,
So remember that whole not-drinking thing I mentioned last time, Frank? Well, over the subsequent week, I decided that maybe instead of quitting drinking entirely for a month, I would instead work hard to practice moderation. I won’t lie to you — knowing that Battlefield Earth was on the horizon was a factor in that.
You might be surprised to learn, however, that I didn’t drink a lot while watching the film. That was due to some innate sense of self-preservation, knowing that if I did drink too much, I’d black out and forget what had happened, which would be a good thing in the long term but bad in the short term, as I’d then have to watch it AGAIN. Because OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD, Frank, I know that saying that Battlefield Earth is a bad movie is hardly a revolutionary concept, but I don’t know if I can fully describe how fucking terrible this film is. It’s really truly amazingly the worst. Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Madea’s Family Reunion”
Dear Frank,
First, an important administrative note: For a number of reasons, I have pledged to spend the next month abstaining from alcohol, which means that until February 7th, all Liz Tells Frank subject matter will be reviewed stone cold sober. Given that a refreshing vodka soda or two in the past has helped dull the pain of child incest and born-again Christianity, I anticipate full mental breakdown around Week 3.
Especially with friends like these! Frank, I have received some excellent suggestions of things to tell you about in the future, though by excellent I mean excrutiating. I’m taking the bull by the horns here, though — that’s the cliche you use when you decide to watch a Tyler Perry film, right? Right.
I picked the wrong month to quit drinking, Frank.
Madea’s Family Reunion is the first Tyler Perry movie I have ever seen (and will, hopefully, ever see). According to Laurel, Kara and Aimee, who came over to watch with me and said many funny things that I’ll try and include in this letter, it was not quite as randomly violent and batshit insane as Diary of a Mad Black Woman, the film that launched the Tyler Perry empire. But that turns out to be a very very high bar for crazy indeed. Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift”
Dear Frank,
So this week, we have a VERY SPECIAL REQUEST, from a VERY SPECIAL YOUNG LADY. Your girlfriend Lauren (whose many wonderful qualities are not limited to, but do include, being a vocal fan of Liz Tells Frank) asked me a couple of weeks ago if I would tell you about a certain movie which she adores — one you’ve apparently resisted watching with her? For shame, Frank. For shame.
Okay, to be honest, I also haven’t seen this installment of American cinema’s most enduring and popular car-racing franchise. But this is Liz Tells Frank and Liz Tells Frank is all about keeping an open mind. Or is it all about being snarky and dismissive? Hmm. One of the two of those, definitely.
Anyways, let us begin The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift (or, for sequel titling purists, 3 Fast 3 Furious), which opens with an introduction to the most American high school that ever was a high school in America. I mean, a bunch of football players slaughter a Indian pinata. The only way it could be more American is if they were simultaneously chugging high-fructose corn syrup and not voting. Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In... 