Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In “Top Model All Stars” Ep 5 (Part 1)

Liz, I know this is a day late. Sometimes people have Wednesday night plans. Anyway, it’s Thursday and I’m ready to rock. Plus I just watched tonight’s Community so I’m in a really good mood. Let’s see how long that lasts!

Shannon has worked out a phone privilege system based on random drawing, saying each girl gets 20 minutes. Bianca questions Shannon’s math, figuring there is not enough time for each of them. Bianca brings this up to Shannon in, I have to say, a completely nonconfrontational and reasonable (ie non-Bianca) manner. Shannon, when faced with a simple question from a fellow adult, cracks like an egg. She immediately surrenders her time to Bianca and beings tearing up, saying she doesn’t like confrontation. Bianca simply stares at her, dumbfounded.

In an entertaining interview, Bianca labels Shannon “The Crying Christian,” and notes that she knows people think she’s a bitch from her behavior on her previous cycle (yup), and hopes everyone realizes she’s blameless here. It weirds me out when reality show contestants break the fourth wall and are aware of how America perceives them, Liz. It’s like Bianca’s Animal Man or something.

Lisa, who’s dressed like hipster Rosie the Riveter, unnecessarily leaps to Shannon’s defense and Bianca is justifiably confused and angry. Voices get raised immediately, and there’s a hilarious shot of Allison and Laura silently fleeing the room. Lisa interviews that Bianca’s a bully (true, but not right now), and notes in an interview, “She’s scared of water? I’m the deep end!”, a sentence so stupid it goes into orbit, re-enters the atmosphere, and crash lands as brilliant. Bianca is unfazed, hilariously observing that “Celebrity Rehab 4, 5, and 6 are calling her name. I’m done.” I’m usually not a huge fan of the girls yelling at each other, but this was hilarious.

Challenge time! The girls head down the Santa Monica pier, where Mr. J surprises them dressed as a fisherman. It’s nice that they gave him a chance to cosplay. Mr. J says they will be participating in a runway show where they will have to step off a moving carousel. He says that this was done in Paris by Chanel in an effort to justify the show’s attempted homicide of these wayward girls. Angelea recalls the pendulum challenge from her cycle and dreads what might happen. Ah, the pendulums. That was a good one. The girls will be wearing clothes designed by the Kardashian sisters, those rascals.

In makeup, Bre commiserates with Bianca, and several girls interview that Bre is much cooler when Bianca’s not around. That’s because Bre is only half-crazy. Dominique interviews that the Kardashians are a huge brand, so this is a big deal. What sort of brand, leaked sex tapes? That’s how Kim got her start, right? I’m genuinely asking. Liz, don’t judge me on my lack of knowledge about the Kardashians.

Speak of the devils, the sisters are here to give the girls a pep talk. Kim says that their clothing line is for Sears. CLASSY. Classy clothes for classy dames. In an interview, Shannon is ecstatic about meeting the Kardashians, which is weird considering they are famous because one of them fucked on camera. (At this point I have to admit I just Googled Kim, and yes, Wikipedia says she “rose to fame” because she banged a dude on camera.) Wait, do you think Shannon just doesn’t know about the sex tape? Oh man, this episode’s already established how fragile she is. NO ONE TELL SHANNON ABOUT THE SEX TAPE. IT WILL DESTROY HER. The winner of the challenge will get to take their Kardashiclothes home with them.

All the girls interview about the difficulty of jumping off the carousel. DISAPPOINTING SPOILER: beyond a few stumbles, no one eats shit. Mr J. does mention that Angelea’s walk reminds him of somebody’s alcoholic aunt, so there’s that. Afterwards, the Kardashians say they couldn’t decide, so both Bre and Lisa are your winners! Afterwards, Mr. J asks Bianca who she’s mad at, and Bianca goes off on one of her patented “No one deserves this but me!” rants. Ah, there’s the bitch Bianca we all know and loathe! Amazingly, as Bianca is venting at J, Bre steps up behind her and literally shields her from the other girls, I guess to stop a surprise bumrush? Bianca is losing her shit.

Back at the house, Lisa, Shannon, Angelea, and Dominque discuss how crazy Bianca is, and how she should go home if she’s so upset. Bre eavesdrops and then immediately runs upstairs to tell Bianca, “They are forming a coalition against you!” because I guess this is Top Model U.N. “Let’s play! LET’S PLAY!” Bre shout-whispers. Bre’s glass is currently half full of crazy.

Photo shoot time! Jay Manuel tells the girls that for this photo shoot, they will be depicting Michael Jackson through the ages. I’ll just let that sink in. Laurel (my girlfriend, for anyone reading this who doesn’t know me personally HA HA GOOD ONE JEFF) wonders “Do you think they’ll have the black girls play the early Michael Jacksons and the white girls play the later Michaels Jacksons?” A shot of Allison being fitted for an afro answers that question.

Jay says that to portray Michael, they might need a little assistance, so he brings out La Toya Jackson. The girls flip out. Really? Well, Michael was the King of Pop, so I guess that makes La Toya the Dutchess of Pop? I don’t know how royalty works. I always though La Toya looked like what would happen if Michael (late-stage, scary Michael) and Janet had a baby. What do you think, Liz? ANYWAY.

Angelea endears herself to me further with this interview: “I love the whole Jackson family! La Toya, Rebbie, Janet, Jermaine, Tito, the momma, the daddy… everybody!” I love how she thinks the Jacksons are like the Berenstein Bears. Also, how she doesn’t consider Joe Jackson a total monster. Angelea, don’t ever change! La Toya encourages the girls to channel themselves through Michael. Sure, not weird at all.

Annnnnnnnnnnd then my DVR freezes up and skips to the end of the episode! I try restarting it to no avail! Then I check the CW website and this week’s episode isn’t available to watch yet! Sorry about that, Liz. Stay tuned for Part 2. To make up for it, here’s a deleted scene of Allison getting dressed up as Jackson 5-era Michael. It’s actually really interesting to watch this footage when it hasn’t been edited to ribbons. Everyone almost seems like people! THEY CAN SEE YOU, LIZ!

Next time: The stunning conclusion!

Love,
Jeff

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Posted on October 13, 2011, in America's Next Top Model, Other People Telling Liz Stuff, TV and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. Your DVR just ruined my life.

  2. It was weird. It was like when you get a bad scratch on the DVD and the player freaks out and skips three chapters, except the DVR skipped right to asking me if I wanted to delete the episode or not.

  3. It was trying to spare you. (The photos were good, though!)

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