Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In “Top Model All Stars” Ep 5 (Part 2)

Liz, you might recall that my DVR cut out when I tried to review this episode the first time. But now the episode is up on the CW site, so here’s the exciting conclusion!

First let me say that BOY SHOULD I HAVE TORRENTED THIS. I only need to see the final 20 minutes or so, but the CW site makes you sit through ALL the ad breaks and they’re all just the same ads for CW’s other terrible shows, on a loop, forever.

Okay, we’re back. As I mentioned last time, the girls are dressing up as Michael Jackson at various stages in his career, and La Toya Jackson is there to give the girls advice. It sounds crazy when I type it. Bianca manages to overcome her earlier freak out and do very well. Even her nemesis Lisa says so. I should note that Lisa says this while made up for her shoot in a noticeably duskier hue. So they’re applying darkness as needed, I guess, which is… questionable? I mean, it’s weird. You have girls dressing up like MICHAEL JACKSON, so I think people are going to be able to tell what you’re going for without you having to dabble in blackface (or tanface). You know what I mean?

Hey, that reminds me. Remember how famous Michael Jackson was, Liz? Do you think that anyone will ever be as famous as he was again in our diffusive internet age? Me, neither. It’s weird to think about. And now back to the show.

Dominique is “Smooth Criminal” Michael. I point this out because the extended “Smooth Criminal” video from Moonwalker was one of my favorite things in the universe growing up and I want an excuse to post it.

Yeah! I think that’s the only footage you’ll ever see of Michael Jackson wielding a tommy gun, so there’s my little gift to you. Also, I love when he shoots the guy and the guy makes a Looney Tunes hole in the wall with his body and Michael points to it like “That’s what you get!” I think this episode is really reminding me of how much I liked Michael Jackson as a child, and how I am sad that he’s dead. This has been “Jeff Tells Liz What Michael Jackson Meant To Him”.

Photos, photos, photos. Liz, I’d link to some more photos, but CW’s photo page for Top Model is a nightmare. Once upon a time they had a page for each model where you could see their whole portfolio, but now there’s just the one big pile of random photos, which doesn’t even include all the models’ shots for the week. If I’ve learned nothing else from this episode, I now know that I hate the CW’s website with a fiery passion. (Oh, I did find Allison’ photo, because YEAH ALLISON.)

After her successful photo shoot, Lisa goes down a line of girls getting high fives, but Bianca refuses to give her one. Shannon calls out “Rejected!” a line I think we can all agree is an accurate description of what Bianca just did to Lisa. Bianca reacts to this observation by saying that Shannon’s “soul is ugly.” Liz, I think we can all agree that Bianca is the picture of class.

Judging! La Toya is this week’s guest judge. When Lisa goes up, Talley reacts to Lisa’s photo with what I can only call disgust. Something about the shot bothers him on a fundamental level. Also, he calls Lisa’s panel look “Rosie the Riveter”, just like I did! But later on Tyra defends Lisa’s look as unique. Me and Talley = besties. Me and Tyra = enemies.

Elimination! Tyra tells the girls that this week they gave La Toya Jackson sweeping executive powers and let her pick the order of photos. Well, that’s odd. Laura is first called! Your bottom two are Angelea and Lisa, neither of whom are strangers to being second-to-last. Tyra lets La Toya do the honors of announcing who’s eliminated. La Toya lets loose a schmaltz parade about how her brother was all about love, and the long and the short of it is that no one’s getting eliminated this week. BOOOOOOOOO! I hate that shit. Lisa and Angelea are moved, and Angelea completely breaks down crying. In an interview, she says “I feel like somebody saved me. It was La Toya, it coulda been Michael, it coulda been Jesus. I don’t know.” I’d go with choice #1 there, Angelea.

Next episode! The girls play a violent game of beach football and pose with some model I’m supposed to have heard of but haven’t!


Posted on October 16, 2011, in America's Next Top Model, Other People Telling Liz Stuff, TV and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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