Liz Tells Frank What Happened In Some Stupid Katherine Heigl Movie
Dear Frank,
I’m super sick. This is how you know I am super sick — I just watched a movie starring this bitch, from beginning to end.
Ugh.
It was pretty bad. I mean, there were a bunch of really great character actors being wasted in side roles. And there were a couple of decent bits of dialogue.
But the movie basically consisted of Katherine Heigl being the perfect woman except slightly uptight, which means that she clashed with the super-cute but totally irresponsible guy with whom she was thrown into an impossible-to-believe situation.
But don’t worry — despite there being a much more suitable guy around, she ended up with the irresponsible manly guy who taught her how to loosen up. Because OPPOSITES ATTRACT, FRANK, AND LOVE BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE WHO ARE DRAMATICALLY DIFFERENT IS THE MOST NATURAL AND POSSIBLE THING.
Oh, and she sat in bubble baths a bunch. Whatever. Bitch.
Don’t worry, Frank. I’m watching old Mad Men episodes now, and thus I am feeling much better.
Love,
Liz
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Hell Comes to Frogtown”
Dear Frank,
So I should have written this post sometime during 2011, as it was heavily requested during the last round of open calls for what I should tell you about. It didn’t happen. You know why, Frank? I really didn’t want to watch this movie! But I got called out, and god forbid I quaver at the feet of any challenge. Even the challenge of a 1987 post-apocalyptic pseudo-comedy starring Rowdy Roddy Piper.
Thus, here’s this movie! The backstory: Apocalypse, of the nuclear kind. And there are dudes who make frog noises and they’re not allowed to have guns? I’m guessing they’re the titular frogs? I am mentally preparing myself for a great deal of literalness. Because, lest you think the title was some sort of fancypants metaphor thing, we establish right away that Rowdy Roddy Piper’s character is named Sam Hell. I bet at some point, he comes to Frogtown!
But first, he’s in jail, getting a bottle broken over his head for some sort of grievious offense against a dude’s daughter — I’m guessing it’s a SEXY offense? Oh, it totally is, because it’s just been revealed that the guy’s daughter is pregnant, which is a miracle in these barren apocalypse-y days, and is thus very interesting to the ladies of Med-Tech, some sort of government organization devoted to making more babies, because doing it naturally isn’t working out so well. This is delivered with all the subtlety and wit that you’d expect from a movie about giant mutated frog people, just so we’re clear. Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In the “House of Lies” Pilot
Dear Frank,
Show me the person who doesn’t like Don Cheadle and I’ll show you a liar. I mean, seriously, what could you object to? Do you not think that Boogie Nights is awesome? Was his performance in Hotel Rwanda TOO heart-breaking? I mean, sure, his accent in the Ocean’s Eleven movies is a little silly, but it’s SUPPOSED to be silly. C’mon now.
Thus, Frank, because I am a person of sense and taste, of course I decided to take advantage of Showtime’s generosity and sample the first episode of House of Lies, Showtime’s new dramedy series starring Don Cheadle. And not just because I love me some Cheadle — the supporting cast is also pretty good! Veronica Mars! Jean-Ralphio! Some random guy who I don’t recognize from other TV shows but doesn’t trip over himself terribly! Thus, worthy of 34 minutes of my time.
At least, I hope it is.
It’s worth noting that because what I am watching is a free download from iTunes, the episode is edited for content, which means lots of muted four-letter-words and censored nakedness. As a result, here is the tableau presented in the opening shot of this pilot: Read the rest of this entry
Open Thread: What Should Frank Be Told About in 2012?
Oh, what a year we’ve had, friends. We’ve laughed, we cried, we watched more Tyler Perry movies than anyone should ever really watch… It’s been a good time.
But 2012 beckons! And as per tradition, it’s time to ask you guys what horrors of human imagination should be entered into the public record. So respond at will! I’d ask that you be gentle, but I know you won’t.
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In the Anti-Choice Drama “Sarah’s Choice”
Dear Frank,
There was a sad article in Salon this week about how the savvy video store clerk is becoming an endangered species, replaced by algorithmic recommendations developed by companies like Netflix and Amazon. This article is depressing on a personal level, because I spent some formative years behind the counter of a video store, but also depressing because Netflix recommendations are FAR from accurate.
How do I know this? Because a movie called Sarah’s Choice ended up as one of my Netflix recommendations at some point. Now, due to the amount of RuPaul’s Drag Race and Star Trek: Deep Space Nine I watch, I’ve always assumed that Netflix thinks I’m a gay man with a crush on Dr. Bashir (which isn’t too far off from the truth). But somehow this anti-choice abortion drama slipped through the cracks.
A properly-trained video store clerk would never have let this happen. And more importantly, they would have never let me watch it, even for comedy purposes. Alas, I am alone. So let’s do this. Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In The CW’s “Nikita” (Sorta.)
Dear Frank,
Like most of Los Angeles, I came down with a bit of a cold this weekend, which means that I failed to properly deal with my Liz Tells Frank responsibilities. I accept my shame! (I also blame Speed 2.) But I did do what I usually do whilst lying in bed willing my body to get better — watch a bunch of TV! Specifically, the CW series Nikita, which recently became available on Netflix. And Frank, Nikita? It’s faaaaaaaaaab.
I mean, it’s fab in a very specific way — basically, it’s Alias, but without a lot of Alias‘s mistakes, and a far superior lead in Maggie Q. (Sorry, Jennifer Garner, but Maggie Q is THE BEST). I know there have been many other incarnations of this tale before (and that the La Femme Nikita series has a certain fascination for some folks), but with having seen both the French and American films and without having seen the TV show, I feel comfortable saying that this is my favorite version of the story. Frank, let me break it down for you in a nice vague way, with only one major twist from the pilot revealed: Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In... 