Liz Tells Frank What Happened In the “Sarah Silverman Program” Episode Christopher Eccleston Is In
Dear Frank,
Netflix has been in the news a bit this week, which always leaves me a little nervous because many times (as you might have observed), what we discuss here is directly affected by what’s available on Netflix Instant.
For example, this weekend I saw that almost the entire run of The Sarah Silverman Program was now available, which made me happy because there is this one incredible episode of that show that I’d been wanting to watch again. But weirdly, Frank, when I put out the question on Twitter and Facebook of whether or not I should tell you about this one episode of The Sarah Silverman Program that happens to guest star Christopher Eccleston, there was not even the slightest amount of interest!
Now, if someone else were to ask me if I wanted to hear about this episode, I would say FUCK YES, because it’s incredible — so I can only assume that this is a sign that THE PEOPLE MUST BE TOLD. I cannot let them live in ignorance much longer. Read the rest of this entry
Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In “Top Model All Stars” Ep 1
Liz,
Okay, so here we all are. It’s the All Stars cycle of Top Model, but before we get started, let me give you a brief history of my experience with this batshit show.
Back in the fall of ’03, my roommate and I lived a life of solitude and we’d watch basically anything on TV, including the new modeling competition on the UPN network. We each picked a favorite girl and vowed we’d stop watching as soon as our picks were eliminated. My roommate picked brainy Elyse while I chose goofy wild-child Adrianne. We figured we’d watch for three weeks, tops. Much to our surprise, Elyse wound up finishing third overall while Adrianne actually won the thing. Plus the season turned out to be a minor reality show masterpiece. Who knew? Still, I skipped out on the next cycle and didn’t wind up watching the show again until Cycle 5, which was another gem. And I’ve been with the show ever since, to increasingly diminishing returns. Seriously, the last few cycles have been a snooze.
But now we’ve got ALL STARS, which should prove a bit more diverting, at the very least. Although this first episode didn’t give me much hope. To war!
We open the only way we possibly could – with an insane Tyra sketch. Tyra sleeps peacefully (in a log cabin!) until she is haunted by visions of herself doing terrible impressions of contestants past. And then suddenly the girls are there! In her bed! Yelling and being awful! So Tyra wakes, scream/sobbing “All right! I’ll do it! I’ll do an All Star Cycle!”
I think this sketch confirms what we’ve always known to be true: Tyra hates these girls. Obviously. I mean, each cycle brings a new challenge which borders on torture. The first challenge last cycle saw the girls being criticized for being unable to walk across water in inflatable hamster balls. That’s like holding someone’s head under water and yelling “Stop drowning!” Read the rest of this entry
Very Exciting “America’s Next Top Model”-Related News!
Dear everyone,
If you know me at all, you know that I’ve never looked down my nose at (most) reality television. But one of those shows I’ve never had much time to watch is America’s Next Top Model — which I hear is a shame, because each episode is full of drama, squealing, makeovers and LOLs.
So beginning this week with the premiere of ANTM: All Stars, Liz Tells Frank welcomes special correspondent Jeff Stone, who will be telling me (and all the rest of us) what happens in each new episode. Say hi to Jeff, everyone!
Jeff says hi back!
Jeff is an extremely funny writer and cartoonist who is also a huge fan of Top Model going back… Oh, man, I think he’s seen all the seasons. Not to hype it up too much, but I think this’ll be pretty good. So please check in later this week (maybe even tomorrow!) for the first installment, and in the meantime practice smiling with your eyes! (Like Tyra would want.)
Love,
Liz
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “The Expendables”
Dear Frank,
Today, as I sit down to watch Sylvester Stallone’s The Expendables, I am at a crossroads. See, as you know, I consider myself to be a feminist (in terms of the definition: “I don’t think women are inferior to men and I don’t think they should be treated that way”). But I also have a deep, deep affection for stupid action movies and their heroes. I admire the films of Jet Li. I thoroughly enjoyed the latest Rambo. If I weren’t a delicate, chaste lady who’s never even heard of a “touch hutch,” Jason Statham would be in my touch hutch. My point is, I am about to watch a movie that features nearly every major action hero of the last twenty to thirty years, a movie that has no chance whatsoever of passing the Bechdel Test, and I am probably going to enjoy it quite a bit.
The movie starts pretty fast — there are some dudes being held captive by some other dudes on a boat, and then another group of dudes — our HERO DUDES, let’s be clear, appear to try and save the hostages. Dolph Lungren (this movie’s cast really is unbelievable) ignores Sly’s “don’t shoot people to death” warning and basically machine-guns off the main hostage-taker’s torso; more shooting ensues! Oh boy do duders die, Frank. In heat vision and everything!
But then the hostage scenario comes to a stand-off that includes Stallone and Statham (guys I really do love Statham please don’t judge me harshly) negotiating over which guys they each get to kill. Don’t worry — all the bad guys get killed. Except one, who Dolph wants to hang as a warning to “pirates,” but Jet Li says “nope” with his feet and fists! Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In the “Star Trek: The Next Generation” Novel “Imzadi”
Dear Frank,
There are no shortage of embarrassing books on my bookshelves (as well as the auxiliary book piles) — books I brought from home because they were important to me at some time or another. And while we could argue about how embarrassing some of these books might be, I think there’s no denying that Star Trek: The Next Generation tie-in novels belong near the top of the list. On a junior high school level, after all, a Star Trek tie-in novel combines both Star Trek and, god forbid, READING. There are probably even some Star Trek fans rolling their eyes at me right now.
Here’s the thing, though — when I sat down to reread Peter David’s Imzadi last night, the first words I read, in big bold-face type, were “THE END.” And I finally remembered why I’d gone to the trouble, all those years ago, to cart a Counselor Deanna Troi/Commander William Riker romance novel hundreds of miles to my current home. Short version: TIME TRAVEL. Which makes Imzadi, actually, kind of awesome.
Imzadi is pitched as the story of how Riker and Troi, established as old lovers in the pilot of Star Trek: The Next Generation, first met and fell in love. But before we get anywhere near the sweaty jungles of Betazed (this book is pretty enjoyable, Frank, but there are certainly elements that will not escape mockery), we first go to see our old friend, The Guardian of Forever! Original series Star Trek fans don’t need me to explain what the Guardian of Forever is; for the people in the cheap seats, though, just know that it’s a big donut-shaped rock that shows all points in time, and if you jump through it at the right point, you can travel INTO THE PAST. Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In NBC’s Unaired “Wonder Woman” Pilot
Dear Frank,
Fan poster by ALilZeker on DeviantArt.
We gather together today to mock the pretty much dead pilot for David E. Kelley’s Wonder Woman, but let me be honest with you — I feel a little guilty about doing so. And not because I acquired it from “a friend” (ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies), but because making fun of something that has ultimately failed and will never officially see the light of day feels unfair. Nothing I will say in this post could possibly sting as much as the fact that NBC declined to pick this show up. Except, perhaps, for this observation: GOOD PLAN, NETWORK.
We open on a nice young black man discovering that he’s going to college — and then abruptly collapsing from a whole bleeding-out-his-eyes-and-ears thing. Yikes! And then we get down to business; specifically, Wonder Woman chasing a bad guy down Hollywood Boulevard. Action action action running! The guy is “superhuman,” a news reporter V.O. tells us, but so is Wonder Woman, and she also has a magic lasso to nab him with.
The cops come just as she’s plunged a syringe into Running Guy’s neck to draw some blood, and while she gets pissy about how Running Guy will lawyer up, she lets them take him into custody and then flies off in her flying jet. Like you do. Points so far for Tyra Colette Adrianne Palicki’s portrayal — while a bit pouty, she sure isn’t afraid of pushing the bad-ass angle.
Once Wonder Woman returns to the headquarters of Themyscira Industries (her own personal multi-national organization), we get the full scoop on The Many Lives of Wonder Woman. Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In... 