Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In “Top Model All Stars” Ep 4
Liz, I could be watching My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic right now. Now THOSE are some girls who are here to make friends.
And we’re off to the races with Lisa opening wine for everyone and talking about how much she drank on her cycle. The editors helpfully show footage of Lisa talking to a plant back in Cycle 5. Oh, to go back to those glory years! Anyway, Lisa says that since then she has been to “celeb rehab”. Wait, really? Huh, I guess so. Anyway, Lisa’s sober now, apparently, so good for her! Seriously.
Everyone gets packages from home, but Camille’s package is full of bills. Camille interviews that she’s 33 years old, modeling doesn’t pay like it used to, and she has responsibilities. Jesus, this episode is GRIM. What’s next?!
What’s next is that Kayla starts hyperventilating and vomiting everywhere after taking a bunch of prescription medication. JESUS! WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS TOP MODEL HOUSE?! It’s a legit emergency as cameras are dropped, producers rush in, and Kayla is whisked to the hospital.
Credits! Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Millionaire Matchmaker”
Dear Frank,
I’ll just say this — sometimes, I tackle subjects for this blog because other people make me. And sometimes, I do it to myself.
Over the past few months, some ill-advised bouts of channel surfing have created within me a hate/fascination for the Bravo reality series Millionaire Matchmaker. Frank, this show is the WORST show I have ever watched multiple episodes of. It is about horrible human beings and the horrible things they will do and say just to be on television. I have seen at least six episodes and could easily watch six more.
The queen of these horrible people is a woman named Patti Stanger, who claims to be a third generation match-maker “with a 99 percent success rate.” (If I were to base that success rate on the episodes I’ve seen, I would put it at maybe 25 percent? If I’m being generous. If I’m being VERY GENEROUS.) She also looks just a bit like what would happen if Snooki ditched the Bump It and aged 30 years. Read the rest of this entry
“Star Trek: Deep Space Nine” Season 1: The Skip It/Watch It Guide
Hey, want to check out on the complete series? A guide to all seven seasons of “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine” can be found in “Liz Tells Frank: The Skip It/Watch It Guides,” now available on Amazon!
Friends, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine is now streaming live on Netflix and that is a BIG DEAL. For if you never watched the show, then you’ve missed out on television that was subversive and revolutionary for its time, eschewing previous Star Trek formula to instead push the limits of multi-arc storytelling in the sci-fi genre. Oh, and it essentially served as a training ground for Ronald D. Moore prior to his equally groundbreaking work on Battlestar Galactica. That’s right — no DS9, no Battlestar.
However, the problem with DS9 is that it WAS subversive and revolutionary for its era, but that doesn’t mean there wasn’t plenty of dead weight along the way. It takes at least two seasons for the show to really kick into gear, and in the meantime Lwaxana Troi shows up TWICE. In TWO DIFFERENT EPISODES. Letting someone watch the show as is could be considered an act of cruelty. Thus, the discerning television fan who wants to check it out should please consider the below recommendations. With the writer’s compliments.
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine Season 1: The Skip It/Watch It Guide Read the rest of this entry
Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In “Top Model All Stars” Ep 3
Liz! I’ve had a few beers!
First, a confession. I have occasionally watched this show with an impure heart. There have been contestants in the past whose presence I enjoyed not so much due to their personalities, but because I thought they were fine as hell. Unfortunately I’m just not into any of these All Star girls. I guess maybe Allison, but that’s more because I just like her personality, and that doesn’t really count. I don’t know if you’ve objectified many women, Liz, but imagining them as real people with inner lives totally ruins it. Now back to the action!
We begin with Allison confessing to Lisa (of all people) about how she feels more nervous this cycle than her last one. She sits in a confessional saying how hard it is for her to make friends. She does this entire confessional in some sort of kitty cat headgear. I love Allison and I will fight anyone who doesn’t. Read the rest of this entry
It’s the Liz Tells Frank Very Special Guest Star Anniversary Contest Spectacular!
Dear Frank,
It was upon this day, one year ago, that I first told you about a movie, TV show or book you didn’t want to watch. (It was Tron! Aw, Tron. Good times.)
To commemorate this auspicious anniversary, I reached out to some friends of LTF to help me out with the first ever Liz Tells Frank Contest/Giveaway/Whatever Language Keeps Me From Running Afoul of California Lottery Laws! These fine folk volunteered to tell me about a movie or video game I myself haven’t seen or played: Here’s the twist — our readers don’t get to know what I’m being told about. They instead have to deduce it themselves using only the provided summaries! And the first reader to successfully guess all three will win $20 in Amazon money!
UPDATE: The winner of the contest is none other than Jill Weinberger! Congrats Jill! This post has been updated to include the names of the things being discussed.
So, Frank, please enjoy the efforts of our friends — and here’s to at least one more year of this ridiculous, ridiculous blog.
Love,
Liz
Read the rest of this entry
Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In “Top Model All Stars” Ep 2
Liz! Makeovers!
But first, a correction from last week. In my general enthusiasm for Allison Harvard (even her name is great!), I said that her nickname was “Bloody Eyeball”. Not true! That nickname actually belongs to Short Cycle winner Nicole (who I also adored). Allison did not have a bloody eyeball, she was just fascinated by blood. An easy mistake to make, I’m sure you, and hopefully your audience, will agree. I don’t want to get hated on about this, Liz. Not over this.
Now on to this week’s episode, which was something else. Isis got first picture last week, did I mention that? Well, it’s true. Alexandria interviews that the audience hates her. The girls decide to play dress up (Allison is a kitty cat), but are interrupted by Tyra and a small goblin man with an indeterminate accent. Tyra introduces him as Martin Lindstrom, a “brand strategist genius”. He did some polling about the girls (what?) and is here to present them with a branding word they should use to represent themselves for this episode (and possibly the whole cycle, this was not clear). Liz, at the risk of hyperbole, Martin Lindstrom is a horrible little goblin man and he is everything that’s wrong with America. Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In... 
