Liz, I know this is a day late. Sometimes people have Wednesday night plans. Anyway, it’s Thursday and I’m ready to rock. Plus I just watched tonight’s Community so I’m in a really good mood. Let’s see how long that lasts!

Shannon has worked out a phone privilege system based on random drawing, saying each girl gets 20 minutes. Bianca questions Shannon’s math, figuring there is not enough time for each of them. Bianca brings this up to Shannon in, I have to say, a completely nonconfrontational and reasonable (ie non-Bianca) manner. Shannon, when faced with a simple question from a fellow adult, cracks like an egg. She immediately surrenders her time to Bianca and beings tearing up, saying she doesn’t like confrontation. Bianca simply stares at her, dumbfounded.

In an entertaining interview, Bianca labels Shannon “The Crying Christian,” and notes that she knows people think she’s a bitch from her behavior on her previous cycle (yup), and hopes everyone realizes she’s blameless here. It weirds me out when reality show contestants break the fourth wall and are aware of how America perceives them, Liz. It’s like Bianca’s Animal Man or something. Read the rest of this entry →

Liz, I could be watching My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic right now. Now THOSE are some girls who are here to make friends.

And we’re off to the races with Lisa opening wine for everyone and talking about how much she drank on her cycle. The editors helpfully show footage of Lisa talking to a plant back in Cycle 5. Oh, to go back to those glory years! Anyway, Lisa says that since then she has been to “celeb rehab”. Wait, really? Huh, I guess so. Anyway, Lisa’s sober now, apparently, so good for her! Seriously.

Everyone gets packages from home, but Camille’s package is full of bills. Camille interviews that she’s 33 years old, modeling doesn’t pay like it used to, and she has responsibilities. Jesus, this episode is GRIM. What’s next?!

What’s next is that Kayla starts hyperventilating and vomiting everywhere after taking a bunch of prescription medication. JESUS! WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS TOP MODEL HOUSE?! It’s a legit emergency as cameras are dropped, producers rush in, and Kayla is whisked to the hospital.

Credits! Read the rest of this entry →

Liz! I’ve had a few beers!

First, a confession. I have occasionally watched this show with an impure heart. There have been contestants in the past whose presence I enjoyed not so much due to their personalities, but because I thought they were fine as hell. Unfortunately I’m just not into any of these All Star girls. I guess maybe Allison, but that’s more because I just like her personality, and that doesn’t really count. I don’t know if you’ve objectified many women, Liz, but imagining them as real people with inner lives totally ruins it. Now back to the action!

We begin with Allison confessing to Lisa (of all people) about how she feels more nervous this cycle than her last one. She sits in a confessional saying how hard it is for her to make friends. She does this entire confessional in some sort of kitty cat headgear. I love Allison and I will fight anyone who doesn’t. Read the rest of this entry →

Liz! Makeovers!

But first, a correction from last week. In my general enthusiasm for Allison Harvard (even her name is great!), I said that her nickname was “Bloody Eyeball”. Not true! That nickname actually belongs to Short Cycle winner Nicole (who I also adored). Allison did not have a bloody eyeball, she was just fascinated by blood. An easy mistake to make, I’m sure you, and hopefully your audience, will agree. I don’t want to get hated on about this, Liz. Not over this.

Now on to this week’s episode, which was something else. Isis got first picture last week, did I mention that? Well, it’s true. Alexandria interviews that the audience hates her. The girls decide to play dress up (Allison is a kitty cat), but are interrupted by Tyra and a small goblin man with an indeterminate accent. Tyra introduces him as Martin Lindstrom, a “brand strategist genius”. He did some polling about the girls (what?) and is here to present them with a branding word they should use to represent themselves for this episode (and possibly the whole cycle, this was not clear). Liz, at the risk of hyperbole, Martin Lindstrom is a horrible little goblin man and he is everything that’s wrong with America. Read the rest of this entry →

Liz,

Okay, so here we all are. It’s the All Stars cycle of Top Model, but before we get started, let me give you a brief history of my experience with this batshit show.

Back in the fall of ’03, my roommate and I lived a life of solitude and we’d watch basically anything on TV, including the new modeling competition on the UPN network. We each picked a favorite girl and vowed we’d stop watching as soon as our picks were eliminated. My roommate picked brainy Elyse while I chose goofy wild-child Adrianne. We figured we’d watch for three weeks, tops. Much to our surprise, Elyse wound up finishing third overall while Adrianne actually won the thing. Plus the season turned out to be a minor reality show masterpiece. Who knew? Still, I skipped out on the next cycle and didn’t wind up watching the show again until Cycle 5, which was another gem. And I’ve been with the show ever since, to increasingly diminishing returns. Seriously, the last few cycles have been a snooze.

But now we’ve got ALL STARS, which should prove a bit more diverting, at the very least. Although this first episode didn’t give me much hope. To war!

We open the only way we possibly could – with an insane Tyra sketch. Tyra sleeps peacefully (in a log cabin!) until she is haunted by visions of herself doing terrible impressions of contestants past. And then suddenly the girls are there! In her bed! Yelling and being awful! So Tyra wakes, scream/sobbing “All right! I’ll do it! I’ll do an All Star Cycle!”

I think this sketch confirms what we’ve always known to be true: Tyra hates these girls. Obviously. I mean, each cycle brings a new challenge which borders on torture. The first challenge last cycle saw the girls being criticized for being unable to walk across water in inflatable hamster balls. That’s like holding someone’s head under water and yelling “Stop drowning!” Read the rest of this entry →