Author Archives: Jeff

Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In “Top Model All Stars” Ep 10

Liz, I have made myself a rum and Coke to help things along. Let’s do this.

We open this episode by establishing intense, one-sided rivalries. Angelea wonders why Dominique got first picture last week when Angelea felt that hers was better. Angelea does not think Dominique deserves to have made it this far. Dominique is completely oblivious to Angelea’s animosity. Meanwhile, Lisa interviews about how the judges (correctly) fawn all over Allison. Lisa thinks Allison looks “dead”. Uh, okay. Lisa says she is the total package, and that she should win. You just might, Lisa! If you could win any cycle, this would be the one. Yes, I’m still predicting an Allison/Lisa final two.

No one has a secret rivalry with Laura, because awwww, Laura! Laura does get a bit of interview time to explain that Angelea seems to be having confidence issues.

Don’t forget that we’re still in Greece! The girls get a Tyra Mail telling them that they will meet with the judges tomorrow. The next day, the girls meet with Miss J. Miss J explains that there’s a TWISTEROO and the judges the girls are meeting are EACH OTHER. The girls will be criticizing (constructively, supposedly) one another’s walks and portfolios.

On Dominique’s first photo, Laura says “Your face looks amazing, but I don’t like your legs. Kinda looks like you’re fartin’.” Laura, y’all! And ugh, all these critiques are chopped up and edited into a big critique salad, cutting between all the girls, making recapping difficult. Laura gets up for some grilling by Miss J, and he asks which of the girls doesn’t deserve to be the winner. Laura, class act all the way, tells Miss J that even if her answer costs her the challenge, she would never say that any of the remaining girls don’t deserve to win. When it’s Allison’s turn to answer the same question, she too refuses to name someone. So does Lisa, probably since she knows Allison is her only serious competition and putting her down now would tip her hand. Read the rest of this entry

Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In “Top Model All Stars” Ep 9

Liz, this is not my only project tonight. I’ll try to keep it brief. Only six ladies left!

We open with Shannon admitting that she’s the only girl left who hasn’t won best photo. Hey, she’s right! She interviews that “thousands” of girls have emailed her to tell her she is their role model. Their role model in nonsensical underwear/bikini standards, I’m guessing.

The girls have lunch. The editors try and make it out like there’s tension between Dominique and Angelea, but I’m not buying it and neither should you.

Back at the house, Andre Leon Talley shows up at the front door, once again dressed as Raiden. I guess that’s just his regular day-wear. Or perhaps he REALLY IS RAIDEN. Anything is possible in this brave new world of ours, I suppose. He’s here to bring the girls dinner, and two “waiters” come in the front door, each carrying a stack of plates in each hand. The “waiters” mince about in the foyer until one runs into the other, knocking one of his plate stacks to the ground, shattering it. The “waiters” snipe at each other, and smash their remaining plates on the ground. They then dash past the girls and into the house.

Andre is “shocked”, but says that there is a country in the world where that is tradition. “Like in Greece! Where we’re all headed.” If you can imagine a more underwhelming introduction to the whole out-of-the-country trip, I’d like to hear it. Read the rest of this entry

Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In “Top Model All Stars” Ep 8

Liz, I’m filling this recap with links and you’re going to sit there and like it.

We open with everyone relieved that Bianca is gone. ME, TOO. Allison interviews that she is somewhat introverted. Maybe this will come up again, but probably not! I mean, this is reality television, not “lives mercilessly edited into a narrative” television, am I right?

Tyra Mail! What? Already? The Tyra Mail is a video message from Madison who is a YouTube sensation that I had to look up just now. She is cute as the DICKENS. Madison shows the girls how to use makeup for a bit, and then ominously says “Listen up, Aaaaaall Stars! My makeup lessons are a TREAT! But *I* really hope you can keep a beat! BYE BYE!” I don’t think I’m alone in thinking that Tyra should just cede the show to Madison. “Two booful girls stand ‘fore me, but I only have oooooooone photo in mah HAND.” You know it would be better, admit it. Read the rest of this entry

Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In “Top Model All Stars” Ep 7

Liz, I think it’s funny that none of the girls on this modeling show are as good-looking as Anya on Project Runway.

First, I know this is a day late AGAIN. I was home last night, but I also now own Batman: Arkham City, and who else was going to catch the phone booth killer? Mr. Jay? I DON’T THINK SO. I think we can agree that a 24-hour wait is worth the lives I saved in Gotham City last night, even if this episode turned out to be SUPER DUPER. Now let’s do this!

We open with Lisa crying about the elimination of her fellow Cycle 5 contestant Bre. She also notes that Bianca no longer has a bodyguard (hey, just like I did last week!). Back at the house, Bianca and Alexandria have a disagreement about who’s next in the shower, which leads to a hilarious Bianca interview where she says that she saw Alexandria’s cycle and really loved her, figuring she was just misunderstood. But now that she knows her, she thinks Alexandria is just as bad as advertised. Bianca disliking Alexandria lends credence to my theory that Alexandria is much improved this cycle. Bianca ends her argument with Alexandria by taunting “Call me when you become an all star!” which is hilarious for two reasons. 1) Alexandria is currently on a show with “All Star” in the title and 2) Being a Top Model All Star is not something that should be desirable or admired. Read the rest of this entry

Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In “Top Model All Stars” Ep 6

Liz! It’s a good thing I took a nap before watching because this episode was another snoozer!

We open with Bianca, complaining. In other words, we open with Bianca. Lisa’s having none of it, noting “You bully everyone and you think that you’re the victim right now?” +15 perception points for Lisa! Bianca gives another stank interview about how she’s a volcano and ENOUGH WITH BIANCA ALREADY. This has been this week’s edition of “Bianca is the fucking worst.”

Bre interviews that while she’s always got Bianca’s back, she still has to be her own person. We get flashback footage from last week of Bre shielding Bianca from the other girls saying “Everybody’s good! Everybody’s good!” You might wonder why Bre would back up and obvious bitch like Bianca, but never forget that Bre is half-crazy. She’s just a lot better at covering it up than Bianca. Read the rest of this entry

Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In “Top Model All Stars” Ep 5 (Part 2)

Liz, you might recall that my DVR cut out when I tried to review this episode the first time. But now the episode is up on the CW site, so here’s the exciting conclusion!

First let me say that BOY SHOULD I HAVE TORRENTED THIS. I only need to see the final 20 minutes or so, but the CW site makes you sit through ALL the ad breaks and they’re all just the same ads for CW’s other terrible shows, on a loop, forever.

Okay, we’re back. As I mentioned last time, the girls are dressing up as Michael Jackson at various stages in his career, and La Toya Jackson is there to give the girls advice. It sounds crazy when I type it. Bianca manages to overcome her earlier freak out and do very well. Even her nemesis Lisa says so. I should note that Lisa says this while made up for her shoot in a noticeably duskier hue. So they’re applying darkness as needed, I guess, which is… questionable? I mean, it’s weird. You have girls dressing up like MICHAEL JACKSON, so I think people are going to be able to tell what you’re going for without you having to dabble in blackface (or tanface). You know what I mean? Read the rest of this entry

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