Category Archives: Spoiler Alert!
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Pretty Woman” (Originally)
Ever wanted to find out what it’s actually like when Liz Tells Frank something? Liz Tells Frank LIVE begins! First victim: The Jessica Alba-starring James Cameron sci-fi series “Dark Angel.”
Dear Frank,
As you and I are both vague-to-huge nerds about screenplays and story development, I wonder if you’ve ever checked out the original script for Pretty Woman? There’s a real reason for me asking this: $3,000, as the project was called then, lays claim to a bit of interesting history for the film industry.
Here’s the story: It was heralded as one of the better-written scripts of the year, intended as a dark take on prostitution, drugs and whatever else sucked about the time period. But writer Jonathan Lawton’s rather dark take on a Hollywood Blvd. prostitute getting picked up by a wealthy businessman was then rewritten by script doctors Robert Garland, Stephen Metcalfe and Barbara Benedek for director Garry Marshall.
Marshall and his team then transformed the gritty tale into a light-R Cinderella-esque fairy tale, and made like, ALL THE MONEY. Like, ALL OF IT.
But everyone who I heard discuss this made the rewrite sound like a bad thing. The triumph of commerce over art, you know? So I wanted to find out for myself, and thus, this week I not only rewatched Pretty Woman in its final incarnation, but managed to Google up a copy of the original $3,000 script.
And HOLY SHIT, FRANK. WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST READ? Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Larry Crowne”
Dear Frank,
I have a pretty long list of things to tell you these days — like Orphan Black! I hear really good things about Orphan Black, Frank! — but I keep getting distracted by other stuff. You know, life, the universe, bizarre Tom Hanks movies…
I stumbled into Larry Crowne on HBO the other day while procrastinating some tasks, but had no plans to give it a single additional thought ever again until for some reason, I found myself trying to describe it to a friend, and was like, shit, this movie is WEIRD. So now you’re going to learn about it, Frank. Get excited!
Larry Crowne is the story of people rebuilding their lives in an almost completely conflict-free fashion. It is the story of a large cast of charming actors standing around and (for the most part) being pretty nice to each other. It is the story of a man finding freedom by buying a used scooter. It is simultaneously really strange and really boring, which is in its own way vaguely interesting? It’s a weird movie, Frank.
Let’s see if I can sum it up pretty quick.
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Orange is the New Black”
Dear Frank,
Man, Netflix is doing great right now. I didn’t, like, LOVE House of Cards, but it was interesting to watch, and from there the original series Netflix has been putting out have been on par with the network and cable television I’m addicted to…
Oh, except for Hemlock Grove. You LITERALLY cannot pay me to watch Hemlock Grove. I’d rather watch The Newsroom. And The Newsroom makes me MAD.
My point is — Orange is the New Black is great. What happens in it? Let’s go over the broad strokes! (I wrote “broad strokes” without thinking about the vast amounts of women and lesbian sex that are in this show. Hopefully, Frank, forgiveness might be found in your heart.)
“Star Trek: Voyager” Season 4: The Skip It/Watch It Guide
She! Cannot! Be! Stopped! Once again, Whitney Bishop is venturing into dark terrain — albeit dark terrain featuring a sexy Borg lady. Time now for Season 4 of “Voyager”! –Liz
I have a terrible confession to make. I didn’t like Seven of Nine.
She first appeared on the show when I was sixteen years old, and I felt she was about the worst thing Voyager had going for it. One of the reasons was, I will admit now, semi-petty: she was pretty, but she wasn’t just pretty, she was Space Magic Barbie, who had been dressed not only in a tight suit, but in a tight suit specifically made to corset her as prominently possible — and made absolutely no practical sense, to boot. Like, I understand how a plain bodysuit is a reasonably unfrivolous outfit, but really if they’d rescued a boy Borg instead, do you think they would’ve put him in a silver suit so tight you could see his balls?
And there’s nothing in the universe practical about those heels. Her core design was just so obviously someone’s masturbatory fantasy put on display to attract straight male viewers that I was uncomfortable as a young person, and I’m still more than a little uncomfortable now. (See also: Enterprise‘s Sex Vulcan — and boy, is that a show I’m not doing a Skip It/Watch It for. Or wait, here we go: just skip it.) Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank Stuff She Forgot About “Daria”
Dear Frank,
As a young lass, I’d always feel profoundly lonely when I would turn to television in search of a character to identify with and came up empty. I mean, as a white woman, things coulda been a lot worse for me. But when I was growing up, my hope for evidence that not fitting in wasn’t a terminal condition was filled with frustrations.
The one major exception: The animated series Daria, which ran from 1997 to 2001 and, even today, is a balm for my soul.
I like to think of Daria as MTV’s apology to women for that whole Beavis and Butthead thing: Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank About Our New Spoiler Warnings On Posts!
Dear Frank,
A fair note I’ve gotten over the last year or so (ever since the release of the first Liz Tells Frank eBook, actually) is that people — who are not you — worry about reading posts if they’re not already familiar with what I’m telling you about.
This is because they worry about spoilers. Personally, I very much understand this concern! I hate spoilers, if I’m not in the mood to be spoiled. Because being spoiled HE WAS DEAD THE WHOLE TIME is the worst.
If every Liz Tells Frank entry was like MoviePooper.com, that’d be fair. However, a common Liz Tells Frank misconception is that every entry is soaked in spoilers. Many are not!
Many are, in fact, specifically written to encourage humble readers who are not even you, Frank, to explore the subject matter. This includes the ever-popular Skip It/Watch It Guides — a much-appreciated public service (as far as my WordPress stats indicate).
Bearing all this in mind, a couple of weeks ago I enlisted the help of the vunderbar WordPress developer Joe Crawford to create a SPOILER WARNING system for every Liz Tells Frank installment, visible right at the top of every blog post! Look at the top of this very post you’re reading right now! Rad, am I right?!?
A quick guide to the parameters follows:
GREEN: Totally safe — which is honestly an indication that you should very much check out whatever’s being told. Because if I don’t want to ruin it for you or others, Frank, that’s a good sign.
YELLOW: Let’s do this metaphor-style — A few eggs get broken, but just a few eggs, enough to make a half-size omelette. You know, enough to whet someone’s appetite.
RED: You wanna know what happens? You’re gonna learn what happens. Because everyone seriously needs to know.
So, Liz Tells Frank now accommodates the world’s ever-present spoiler fears! Because it cares about your needs. It really does.
Even your needs, Frank. For realsies.
Love,
Liz
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In... 