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Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In “Top Model All Stars” Ep 8

Liz, I’m filling this recap with links and you’re going to sit there and like it.

We open with everyone relieved that Bianca is gone. ME, TOO. Allison interviews that she is somewhat introverted. Maybe this will come up again, but probably not! I mean, this is reality television, not “lives mercilessly edited into a narrative” television, am I right?

Tyra Mail! What? Already? The Tyra Mail is a video message from Madison who is a YouTube sensation that I had to look up just now. She is cute as the DICKENS. Madison shows the girls how to use makeup for a bit, and then ominously says “Listen up, Aaaaaall Stars! My makeup lessons are a TREAT! But *I* really hope you can keep a beat! BYE BYE!” I don’t think I’m alone in thinking that Tyra should just cede the show to Madison. “Two booful girls stand ‘fore me, but I only have oooooooone photo in mah HAND.” You know it would be better, admit it. Read the rest of this entry

Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In “Top Model All Stars” Ep 7

Liz, I think it’s funny that none of the girls on this modeling show are as good-looking as Anya on Project Runway.

First, I know this is a day late AGAIN. I was home last night, but I also now own Batman: Arkham City, and who else was going to catch the phone booth killer? Mr. Jay? I DON’T THINK SO. I think we can agree that a 24-hour wait is worth the lives I saved in Gotham City last night, even if this episode turned out to be SUPER DUPER. Now let’s do this!

We open with Lisa crying about the elimination of her fellow Cycle 5 contestant Bre. She also notes that Bianca no longer has a bodyguard (hey, just like I did last week!). Back at the house, Bianca and Alexandria have a disagreement about who’s next in the shower, which leads to a hilarious Bianca interview where she says that she saw Alexandria’s cycle and really loved her, figuring she was just misunderstood. But now that she knows her, she thinks Alexandria is just as bad as advertised. Bianca disliking Alexandria lends credence to my theory that Alexandria is much improved this cycle. Bianca ends her argument with Alexandria by taunting “Call me when you become an all star!” which is hilarious for two reasons. 1) Alexandria is currently on a show with “All Star” in the title and 2) Being a Top Model All Star is not something that should be desirable or admired. Read the rest of this entry

Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In “Top Model All Stars” Ep 6

Liz! It’s a good thing I took a nap before watching because this episode was another snoozer!

We open with Bianca, complaining. In other words, we open with Bianca. Lisa’s having none of it, noting “You bully everyone and you think that you’re the victim right now?” +15 perception points for Lisa! Bianca gives another stank interview about how she’s a volcano and ENOUGH WITH BIANCA ALREADY. This has been this week’s edition of “Bianca is the fucking worst.”

Bre interviews that while she’s always got Bianca’s back, she still has to be her own person. We get flashback footage from last week of Bre shielding Bianca from the other girls saying “Everybody’s good! Everybody’s good!” You might wonder why Bre would back up and obvious bitch like Bianca, but never forget that Bre is half-crazy. She’s just a lot better at covering it up than Bianca. Read the rest of this entry

Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In “Top Model All Stars” Ep 5 (Part 2)

Liz, you might recall that my DVR cut out when I tried to review this episode the first time. But now the episode is up on the CW site, so here’s the exciting conclusion!

First let me say that BOY SHOULD I HAVE TORRENTED THIS. I only need to see the final 20 minutes or so, but the CW site makes you sit through ALL the ad breaks and they’re all just the same ads for CW’s other terrible shows, on a loop, forever.

Okay, we’re back. As I mentioned last time, the girls are dressing up as Michael Jackson at various stages in his career, and La Toya Jackson is there to give the girls advice. It sounds crazy when I type it. Bianca manages to overcome her earlier freak out and do very well. Even her nemesis Lisa says so. I should note that Lisa says this while made up for her shoot in a noticeably duskier hue. So they’re applying darkness as needed, I guess, which is… questionable? I mean, it’s weird. You have girls dressing up like MICHAEL JACKSON, so I think people are going to be able to tell what you’re going for without you having to dabble in blackface (or tanface). You know what I mean? Read the rest of this entry

Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In “Top Model All Stars” Ep 5 (Part 1)

Liz, I know this is a day late. Sometimes people have Wednesday night plans. Anyway, it’s Thursday and I’m ready to rock. Plus I just watched tonight’s Community so I’m in a really good mood. Let’s see how long that lasts!

Shannon has worked out a phone privilege system based on random drawing, saying each girl gets 20 minutes. Bianca questions Shannon’s math, figuring there is not enough time for each of them. Bianca brings this up to Shannon in, I have to say, a completely nonconfrontational and reasonable (ie non-Bianca) manner. Shannon, when faced with a simple question from a fellow adult, cracks like an egg. She immediately surrenders her time to Bianca and beings tearing up, saying she doesn’t like confrontation. Bianca simply stares at her, dumbfounded.

In an entertaining interview, Bianca labels Shannon “The Crying Christian,” and notes that she knows people think she’s a bitch from her behavior on her previous cycle (yup), and hopes everyone realizes she’s blameless here. It weirds me out when reality show contestants break the fourth wall and are aware of how America perceives them, Liz. It’s like Bianca’s Animal Man or something. Read the rest of this entry

Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In “Top Model All Stars” Ep 4

Liz, I could be watching My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic right now. Now THOSE are some girls who are here to make friends.

And we’re off to the races with Lisa opening wine for everyone and talking about how much she drank on her cycle. The editors helpfully show footage of Lisa talking to a plant back in Cycle 5. Oh, to go back to those glory years! Anyway, Lisa says that since then she has been to “celeb rehab”. Wait, really? Huh, I guess so. Anyway, Lisa’s sober now, apparently, so good for her! Seriously.

Everyone gets packages from home, but Camille’s package is full of bills. Camille interviews that she’s 33 years old, modeling doesn’t pay like it used to, and she has responsibilities. Jesus, this episode is GRIM. What’s next?!

What’s next is that Kayla starts hyperventilating and vomiting everywhere after taking a bunch of prescription medication. JESUS! WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS TOP MODEL HOUSE?! It’s a legit emergency as cameras are dropped, producers rush in, and Kayla is whisked to the hospital.

Credits! Read the rest of this entry

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