Category Archives: TV
In which Liz tells Frank about TV episodes or entire shows he’s missed.
Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In “Top Model All Stars” Ep 6
Liz! It’s a good thing I took a nap before watching because this episode was another snoozer!
We open with Bianca, complaining. In other words, we open with Bianca. Lisa’s having none of it, noting “You bully everyone and you think that you’re the victim right now?” +15 perception points for Lisa! Bianca gives another stank interview about how she’s a volcano and ENOUGH WITH BIANCA ALREADY. This has been this week’s edition of “Bianca is the fucking worst.”
Bre interviews that while she’s always got Bianca’s back, she still has to be her own person. We get flashback footage from last week of Bre shielding Bianca from the other girls saying “Everybody’s good! Everybody’s good!” You might wonder why Bre would back up and obvious bitch like Bianca, but never forget that Bre is half-crazy. She’s just a lot better at covering it up than Bianca. Read the rest of this entry
Frank Tells Liz What Happened In the “Twilight Zone” Episode “Steel”
Dear Liz,
So I know you saw the new Huge Ackman vehicle Real Steel last week, and though we haven’t yet been able to discuss it in detail, I’m very pleased to hear that it was 100% pure enjoyment! (Surprising no one, really, because how could a cybernetic pugilism film from the director of Date Night be anything less?)
Anyway, I’m bummed that I couldn’t join you on the trip to the ol’ robot ring, so I’m going to try to make it up here. I figure there’s only one thing that can retroactively enhance the Real Steel experience: READING ABOUT THE SOURCE MATERIAL!
One of the many Marx toys! Have you all of them?
Liz, though I still have trouble believing it, Real Steel is not an adaptation of Rock’em Sock’em Robots. Apparently it is actually an adaptation of “Steel,” a short story by the great Richard Matheson, originally published in 1956 (eight years before Rock’em Sock’em Robots hit the shelves)! The Los Angeles Public Library system is very stingy with its back issues of The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction, so I have not been able to track down the story. Fortunately, they made it into a Twilight Zone episode! Read the rest of this entry
Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In “Top Model All Stars” Ep 5 (Part 2)
Liz, you might recall that my DVR cut out when I tried to review this episode the first time. But now the episode is up on the CW site, so here’s the exciting conclusion!
First let me say that BOY SHOULD I HAVE TORRENTED THIS. I only need to see the final 20 minutes or so, but the CW site makes you sit through ALL the ad breaks and they’re all just the same ads for CW’s other terrible shows, on a loop, forever.
Okay, we’re back. As I mentioned last time, the girls are dressing up as Michael Jackson at various stages in his career, and La Toya Jackson is there to give the girls advice. It sounds crazy when I type it. Bianca manages to overcome her earlier freak out and do very well. Even her nemesis Lisa says so. I should note that Lisa says this while made up for her shoot in a noticeably duskier hue. So they’re applying darkness as needed, I guess, which is… questionable? I mean, it’s weird. You have girls dressing up like MICHAEL JACKSON, so I think people are going to be able to tell what you’re going for without you having to dabble in blackface (or tanface). You know what I mean? Read the rest of this entry
Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In “Top Model All Stars” Ep 5 (Part 1)
Liz, I know this is a day late. Sometimes people have Wednesday night plans. Anyway, it’s Thursday and I’m ready to rock. Plus I just watched tonight’s Community so I’m in a really good mood. Let’s see how long that lasts!
Shannon has worked out a phone privilege system based on random drawing, saying each girl gets 20 minutes. Bianca questions Shannon’s math, figuring there is not enough time for each of them. Bianca brings this up to Shannon in, I have to say, a completely nonconfrontational and reasonable (ie non-Bianca) manner. Shannon, when faced with a simple question from a fellow adult, cracks like an egg. She immediately surrenders her time to Bianca and beings tearing up, saying she doesn’t like confrontation. Bianca simply stares at her, dumbfounded.
In an entertaining interview, Bianca labels Shannon “The Crying Christian,” and notes that she knows people think she’s a bitch from her behavior on her previous cycle (yup), and hopes everyone realizes she’s blameless here. It weirds me out when reality show contestants break the fourth wall and are aware of how America perceives them, Liz. It’s like Bianca’s Animal Man or something. Read the rest of this entry
Jeff Tells Liz What Happened In “Top Model All Stars” Ep 4
Liz, I could be watching My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic right now. Now THOSE are some girls who are here to make friends.
And we’re off to the races with Lisa opening wine for everyone and talking about how much she drank on her cycle. The editors helpfully show footage of Lisa talking to a plant back in Cycle 5. Oh, to go back to those glory years! Anyway, Lisa says that since then she has been to “celeb rehab”. Wait, really? Huh, I guess so. Anyway, Lisa’s sober now, apparently, so good for her! Seriously.
Everyone gets packages from home, but Camille’s package is full of bills. Camille interviews that she’s 33 years old, modeling doesn’t pay like it used to, and she has responsibilities. Jesus, this episode is GRIM. What’s next?!
What’s next is that Kayla starts hyperventilating and vomiting everywhere after taking a bunch of prescription medication. JESUS! WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS TOP MODEL HOUSE?! It’s a legit emergency as cameras are dropped, producers rush in, and Kayla is whisked to the hospital.
Credits! Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In “Millionaire Matchmaker”
Dear Frank,
I’ll just say this — sometimes, I tackle subjects for this blog because other people make me. And sometimes, I do it to myself.
Over the past few months, some ill-advised bouts of channel surfing have created within me a hate/fascination for the Bravo reality series Millionaire Matchmaker. Frank, this show is the WORST show I have ever watched multiple episodes of. It is about horrible human beings and the horrible things they will do and say just to be on television. I have seen at least six episodes and could easily watch six more.
The queen of these horrible people is a woman named Patti Stanger, who claims to be a third generation match-maker “with a 99 percent success rate.” (If I were to base that success rate on the episodes I’ve seen, I would put it at maybe 25 percent? If I’m being generous. If I’m being VERY GENEROUS.) She also looks just a bit like what would happen if Snooki ditched the Bump It and aged 30 years. Read the rest of this entry
Liz Tells Frank What Happened In... 
